Stressed and lonely

As I wait here aimlessly in front of my computer for the arrival of my new LCD TV (yeah, finally changed my old 10++ year TV!), I start to think what am I doing with my life. Up until now I still feel pressured by the damn FYP because my supervisor ask me do this and when I present to a panel of lecturers, they rejected it. Mostly is my fault, cause now only I realized my storyboarding skill sucks... sigh!

Still hanging, dunno what to do... sms lecturer but no reply. I feel like giving up in this fyp... but its my last sem, I should finish it and start work... too old to still studying, sigh...! So to relieve myself from all this stress I turn to Magic... it can help me release tension, use some brain power and at the same time maybe profit from it. But all are too busy with their own work so I can't test my standard decks myself. Another dead end, sigh...!

So sien and tension I am that I have no time to think about love at all... unless somehow my mind wonders there again. YL... yeah, she can't seem to disappear from my mind no matter how hard I try. Then I read some quotes which fits me perfectly. It says 'You are not giving up in love but trying to move on' and 'I feel happy to love you from afar when I know I could not get your love'. It looks like I am not the only person in this situation, where I love her so much but people see me as silly to still cling on in this love. Ya, I know she won't love me but I just couldn't stop loving her from afar... it's too irresistible, the hope is undying, I feel happy whenever I think of her... you can say it's like a drug. A mind drug that makes me feel happy and sad... but the only feeling that I will never let go... the feeling of being alive.

I have a bad vibe that I will not able to graduate again, sigh... f**k it, let me end this misery now!

Damn him!

Ah... these few weeks have been good to me. All I can do is rest, hang out with my friends, relax... nothing to worry, nothing to stress about. I am shifting my gear into 'lazy mode' at full drive because I know the next last sem will be very hard, full of despair and hatred. And it's all because of that damn emo noob younger than me lecturer, curse him... curse him with all my hatred and pain~!

Nothing can be done now but wait... and think of new ideas. I have thought of making my fav trading card game as my FYP, but I doubt it will get approved because the lecturers want something more... something 'new'. FCUK them... are we doing OUR fyp or THEIRS?!? Why do our last fyp has to be in their criteria when what we are going to work in our future depends on it!? If they pick what we do as out FYP, it means we are going to work in that field too, because our last FYP portfolio is what we are going to show to our future boss!!! Damn fcuk up system... I will surely complain after I graduate. Lecturers are there to guide us, not to force us! Curse them... curse him!!!

Argh, dont care anymore... I will try my best, if fail then fail la. At least I got a reason and not being blame for stopping half way anymore. The tension and expectation from everyone on me is building up, and I am going to explode and die soon because of it... I'm really not as strong as I thought I would be, sigh...

Long time absence part 2

Wow... after reading, I realized I was really emo in my last post, lol. Maybe it's what I have been keeping inside and not letting it go for a long time. Stress... everyone have it, and I released it here (games only help me soften it). Here goes part 2~!

Girls... actually I don't really miss anyone when I am busy, no time to think of love. This Monday I started to be free again. So I asked 'D' how was YL, since he sometimes find them for yamcha. He told me a story where YL saw a man from behind while they were yamcha-ing, and thought it was me. o.O'' I was stunned a little. One part I was happy because she 'somehow' thought it was me... another part was me scolding myself again, saying 'Hey, don't get any bright ideas here buster!'. It was a short lived happiness, but I know it meant nothing... and down to earth I fell, again.

YL... I think 50% of all my post in this blog are related to her, lol. I know I couldn't get her yet I still cling into that tiny winy hope that I could. I wish her to find a good boyfriend asap but I know that day will then be the saddest day in my life. I say I don't miss her but everyday I think of her. Yup, still sick... Oh well, I have been sick all these while, might as well get sick till I die? Haha...

Old news... like what I said, finish study and work. No money to love, no ability to love. G'nite YL, sorry I couldn't celebrate your bday (past)~

Long time absence

Wow... in a flash of an eye, it has already been 2 months plus that I didn't update my blog. Busy is the only word I can use to describe it. So SO soooooo busy with assignments until hardly have any time for games, not to mention yamcha with YL them. Yeah, I miss them, but what can I do? Some more cannot always drive there as I no more working as intern, parents start scolding liao. Sigh...

Life has not been easy for me these past 2 months. Friends are tested... non remain true until the end. I got a small group of friends, consisting of 4 of us... but the bond is so fragile, I feel it could be swept away whenever I do a 'mistake'. Very sad, but no choice... I must see this finish till the end.

I feel weak, depressed and tension. The kns lecturer keep giving me pressure... one time he wants this and suddenly he wants that. I am afraid that I will fail my FYP because of that sucker. Sigh... I hope I can pass and not waste another year doing nothing. Fu*k HIM!!!

Games... I indulge in it to make myself forget all the misery of this world. If not for games, I would have gone psycho a long time ago. No love, no true friends, my mind keep thinking of negative stuffs... maybe loneliness has really taken its toll on me. How long more can I stand it, I wonder? No... I must go on. For my parents... for myself!

Feeling sleepy, to be continue...

One more weekend full of Q&A

Yesterday I thought of going to yamcha with Daniel as it has been a routine for our gang to yamcha every Sat, but he said he was sick. Then suddenly he called up and said he was on the way to find his gf, which is more sick than he is. Why don't wait for me!? Then I don't need to waste my petrol going to USJ so far, which then lead me to 'kena' from my parents for driving so far just to yamcha. Sigh... maybe he was desperado and speedy Gonzales, haha...

Raining freaking heavy, I drove to Murni and ate with WingC and Jimmy. They suddenly tell me the bad news in which YL will be super late and may even cancel coming as she's on the way from Bukit Tinggi (French Village that place). I don't mind actually, but it kinda sucks coming so damn far just for a dinner, haha... While we are eating suddenly KH called Jimmy and said he was at Taipan already. So the yamcha is still on, and we went there.

KH still behaves like the KH I know, just that less 'tuut' me on stuffs which I REALLY don't like to hear, even if it was meant as a joke. So that's considered an improvement that I can accept, haha... As we were talking and playing with the IPad & IPad2, YL called and said she was coming. I don't mind if she comes or not, but more is always merrier, haha...

Then when she comes, dressing all pretty like that (maybe because a guy she fancied was also with her to BT), my heart skips a beat. WTF!? I told myself not to love her anymore and here my heart feels all squishy again... argh! Time... I need more time and avoid seeing her, then I will be cured... maybe, haha. She sounds happy when we teased her a 'special' person went to BT with her. My brain is saying 'yes, good for her!' but my heart feels a 'sting' when her face looks happy by it... Argh, FML~!

Anyway, we were discussing a lot of stuffs... and there was a part which involved me, on the topic of being too 'honest' again. Yeah, I realized being too honest sometimes hurt ppl too... which I didn't really noticed until people told me that. Cause honest is the best policy~! For me at least, haha... Taking their advice into consideration, I think I should sometimes hide the truth... just for the better between me and the person I talk to, in the future. But still I will be as honest as possible, cause honesty is my middle name~! Wakaka... -_-;

Tomorrow starts school again... and I need to find a lecturer to request if my group can exceed by 1 person or not... else I will be groupless, again. F**K IT, I hate moments like this the most!!! FML...

Love partner

Last weekend I went to Darren's wedding in Jalan Imbi with my bro, the two D's, Sum and his gf, WL, Dioz, Edmund and Wee. It was a happy and fun day. The food was ok... some quite bad because of the flour they used.

What kept me thinking is... am I ready to love? Yes, its been a long time since I loved YL... but if someday if I were really to have the option to woo her, will I do it? At first I would definitely said yes... but now, when I really took some time off and clear my mind to think... the answer is 'I don't know'.

I guess its because she's not the type of girl I really wanted as my wife. Her attitude is quite rough while I wanted a really gentle and cute girl. She is not romantic while I wanted a partner who loves the small and special things I do, just for her. YL... I think she should find someone who loves her more than I do. It will not benefit me or her if we were together, thus I should just forget this dream and be a bachelor for life... or until I am fit to love.

My mindset now is still too young... too naive. No it is not affected by the environment I'm in but it's just my natural characteristics. Somehow I like being 'nice', although most of the time I will be used or bullied by others. But sometimes the stress is too great for me to bear, and I will turn evil... but mostly in my thinking or talking but I do not make any movement for revenge or pay back. Yeah, I'm weak and a coward... why do I let people trample over me yet I do nothing to stop them? Maybe it's because I look myself down too much that helping those 'evil' people seems like a responsibility to me. Stupid and foolish... that's me, haha...

21/5/2011

I feel more and more tired of life. Again I'm having the same problem of finding a teammate for my assignment. &#)*&)*$! I know I am not weak but my communication skills must really sucks until no one wants me in their group. What I hated most is some bitches who only think about themselves but never think how I will feel when they took away my group member, leaving me alone. It's the f**king YC, MC's good friend. It's not the first time she did it, yet I forgive her and even help her pass her car sticker form that day. I should have throw her paper away so she can't apply for a car sticker this sem... that selfish pig!

All are selfish... only 2 person or 3 really treated me as a friend in the whole class. Yes, when they ask for your help they will smile and talk with you nicely. But when it comes to you needing their help, they quickly dodge you faster than a speeding bullet. Wow... humans are pathetic sometimes. I hope one day all the selfish ppl in the world will die of a disease or an act of God, even if it includes me. I don't want to see the world continue being tainted and effecting our future generations... DIE, SCUMS!!!

Feeling down

Tomorrow is the last day of my intern in FNM. I will miss FNM... the nice people (some)... the slacking... the new stuff to learn... and most of all, the freedom. Now that I don't work there anymore, my parents will sure complain everytime I go to PJ area, cause my place is too far from there and waste a lot of petrol. It is not nice to hear them complain not enough money once, and if they keep repeating it everytime I go out, it would be worse. Mom just now also called, and told me not to 'belanja' my collegues so much food tomorrow because it is last day... again say no money, sigh! Feeling so down because of that... argh!

It's not I want to blame anyone but... becoming a human is so hard. Sometimes I wish I am 'nothing'... no need to think and feel... no need to suffer and become sad. If I suddenly become rich, all of these will dissapear. I can start a small cafeteria and enjoy my life there. If my friends are free, they could come and visit me and I will buy them drinks... haha. No luxury without sufferings, huh? Just dreaming... XD

I am already confused now... what more when I have a gf? It will become worst! Lucky I'm still single now... but I hope to see YL (who just came back from Bangkok today) this weekend~! ^^

Emo oh emo...

Sigh... lately feel so emo. Hate this feeling... but can't stop this feeling. Sadness falling on me like tears from above, can't run no matter where I go. Starting to feel demotivated although pretend to be strong on the front lines... Feel like just give it all up and leave this sickening world.

No I'm not lovesick... I'm just having a serious case of demotivation. Why? Because of THEM... my so called friends/ coursemates/ group members. I shouldn't be saddened by these couple of fools that think badly of me, for things I did not done to them... which I don't know why they still doesn't accept me as a 'real' friend. I did not kill their parents, nor did I do anything bad to them. I tried my best to be a good director, always giving a helping hand eventhough they didn't ask for it, be as friendly as I can... but still they treat me nothing more than a... 'person to work with', ONLY.

FML... fML... fmL... Fml...FmL...fMl...FMl...FmL...fmL.....!!!!!!! I am so weak to be disturbed by these petty people. I should ignore them and continue on with my life. In the future, I will not meet them anymore nor will I treat them as friends... as what they do to me now. Revenge is sweet, but it is not of my choosing. Like karma, I will do to people what they do to me, good and both alike...! Do not think I will be so kind and stupid enough and forget all of these things in the future. The fire will take a miracle to perish... the fire of vengence.....!!!

It's really sickeningly sad to see the girl I once love and would always be there for her... now treats me nothing more than a monster. I wish I never knew her... I wish I would not see her anymore, as every glimpse makes the hatred gone and comes back even bigger in the end. Why cant I tear out my heart and remove her image from it!? Why can't I go into my brain and destroy every memory I had with her!? Why is it so F**kingly pain in the inside that I couldn't do anything to erase it!!?! WHHHYYYYY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

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..... FML

Love... a blessing or a curse?

This couple of days see my bro keep on emo-ing because he broke up with his 'most loved' girl in his life, the girl which is now studying in the same class with him. On one side I pity him... because I would hurt deeply too if I broke up with the girl I love. On the other side I think that it is his own fault... for 1) having two gfs 2) did something which made the girl feel 'susah' to be with him. His emo-ness is really bugging me... ><

Yes, I hate players... who play with ppl's heart. In my opinion there is no 'sharing' love. You either love one, or you love none. More than one means you don't deserve to be loved... cause you're greedy. Greedy for food is ok, greedy for love is despicable! (I mean lover's love)

I have been super busy this semester until rarely update my blog, thus meaning I have no time for love either... haha. Maybe it's a good thing, since no love = no headache/ heartache. Yeah, once a while when I meet back YL, I do miss her... but meeting up with her and just hanging around her makes me very happy liao. She's getting prettier and prettier too, haha...

So busy I am at school that I even rarely meet LG. The longest time I spend with her this sem is when I celebrated my bday with her and on the showcase day, which she dressed up very uniquely. Ya, my love for her nearly becomes 0% liao (I think). Time really heals I guess.....

So next sem will be my final sem, then I will finally get my diploma liao. FYP, or final year project, isn't going to be easy. I want to produce a video that is way better than the successful MV that we did this sem. To produce a masterpiece, you gotta work your guts out. No hard work = no good work/ a normal work. I want to make ppl's eye pop up when they see the video, than stand up and claps their hands while screaming 'fuuyoo!!!!'. The feeling = PRICELESS! XD

Busy like a bumble bee

Argh... this whole week really busy like siao. Tuesday went to gym at TARC for the first time with Robin and Patrick, but then it turned out I am the noobest there (expected). Get tired too easily, even stretching my hands too long feels pain. Maybe I overdid by taking weights too early and accidentally dislocate some muscles... causing pain. But the day after that woke up like a zombie... not enough sleep and tired all over, ouch!

Wednesday went to do recording at Muni's dad's clinic. His dad was a very polite and a gentleman, totally the opposite of Muni... I guess sometimes too much of rules makes ppl rebellious. Had fun taking pictures, sound and videos in the clicnic. Then went to the Tesco nearby and continue recording sounds with the video recorder. It was again crazy, as we had a trolley race... LOL. While we were doing recordings they were some police nearby looking what are we doing. Lazy bumps... sittingt there and not scouting around, policemen nowadays... sigh! Then went back to Muni's house, which is big since his dad's a doctor.

Took LRT and went back Wangsa, buy a RM10 bag for Wei Ming's bday. Plus 4 piece of wrapping paper that cost RM1.50 each, me and Robin each paid RM8 for his present. After finish wrapping, we went to the tea house in GK where we ate cakes, lunch and have fun with the gang. Took some pictures too... hope can upload it later here, haha. Although it was really painful for my wallet, these things is what made me feel that studying in TARC is the best! ^^

Yesterday yamcha with Sum, Daniel and David... almost 2 weeks no yamcha liao, if I not mistaken. Dont say yamcha la... these 2 weeks I only played Dota for less than 5 times! Record la, siao... -__-'' So busy, argh...! Sum and David were playing Magic, which I havent touch for ages. If I weren't busy with assignments I would have taken out my Magic cards and tune it, haha... maybe next time ><

Today early woke up and felt sick... so decided not to go school. But later need to go again for group discussion at 1pm! Walao weh, one day cuti also cannot... really got time to die, no time to sick!! X_X

Love updates: Since I was so busy, have less time to think about love liao... No use thinking about love too, since LG and W hates me... and CK a little bit. Friends also hard, love is totally out! Maybe it's my fault... for being too friendly, it made me look desperate? Too friendly scares ppl, I know. So I won't bug LG, since a LOT of ppl will bug her everyday. When in the tea house one of my friend asked 'Eh, no one asked LG come ah?'... Then I also thought 'Eh, yahor...". If last time sure is me, cause I want to make her communicate more with her classmates. But now no more... I am not her guardian, and she is not my angel. Goodbye LG, I know you will have a better life without my presence.....

~Penyek kau, emo! >0 Penyek! Penyek! *Penyek* X_X~ XD

It's a dangerous environment

Ah, finally did what I don't want to do the most... to make my blog private. Terpaksa! Because I thought my classmates wouldn't be so com savvy... suddenly I heard W go and googled a teacher's email and find out a lot of personal stuff about him. So, being scared, I tried on my own email... walao! Really kena this blog. I tried and tried but no other way to change it. So to not cause any more trouble, I decided to make it private... for the time being, or until I find a solution.

The tension between me and W is getting stronger since MC told me her 'doings' that night. I totally don't want to talk to her, unless absolutely necessary. Weird thing is another friend of mine asked me 'why is W so like... anti-social now?'. I did not know how to answer him. I asked him who told him that, and he said LG also felt that way. Oh, really??? I doubt it's my fault, so maybe it's she getting more 'sucked' into the Anime world so she doesn't think interacting with ppl is important. Since she would abandon her friends for success, I'm sure that she won't live peacefully in the future... Muahahahaha!!!

CK too... I only talked to her once in school this week. Maybe she didn't know that I knew she talked bad about me... maybe she didn't know that I was deeply hurt by her actions as I treated her so nicely everyday... Whatever the reason, I don't want to continue a friendship that is not... giving me a good feeling.

This week although my heart was still deeply sad, I did forget the pain once in a while when I hang out with my new 'group'. Including me it consists of 2 Chinese boy, 2 Indian guys and 1 Chindian girl. Somehow a 'half Chinese, half Indian' group, we had a lot of fun doing stuffs. I was actually the total opposite of them (they curse, they smoke and they are cool) but somehow I was accepted in it, which is a good thing! We did our first sound recording yesterday, and we had fun doing it... very much. Can't wait to do the mega project later, which is the music video. We can do it, and we will squash W's group to the ground, into a pulp!!! YEAH!

Lately there is no more love in my heart... maybe that's why every step I take feels heavier these days. LG hate me, W despise me, YL just treats me like a friend... only friends and games to keep me happy, to keep me moving forward in times of down. Sigh, sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart... this world is better off without it.

A shine of light

Yesterday was a glorious day... a happy day. One of my classmate who wanted to shift class wasn't granted permission. Luckily I asked to group with him since last sem, so he asked if I wanted to join his group. Yes! Just what I wanted... a group who is hardworking and talented... and most of all, they wanted me to join than me asking (which feels like begging) to join. They did a good job in video editing last sem, which is perfect cause we will be making a lot of video productions this sem.

Yesterday went for lunch with them. The dude was very funny and friendly. I was even more happy when he joke with another friend, saying that I'm a good class rep and he's not (Robin). Although it was just a teasing, that's the first time anyone said it to me. Guess that I value a little bit of 'praising' for all the shit I went through as a class rep. No one appreciates and said thanks... so joking about it is the best thing I could ever receive.

So W went off the hook... I did not do any 'vengeance' on her although I'm still hurt and mad at her for abandoning me just like that. This sem I will definately treat her colder and harsher... no more mister nice guy. Ignoring her seems to be working fine... for now. She will be the last place I turn for help, and the last place I will offer any help. Fair, right? >)

Ok... new semester will officially start soon... that means projects and assignments will come rushing in like mad cows very fast. No more time for love or affection or whatever crap people wants to say it or 'label' it... As long as I know it's true, I don't need to do any explanation to anyone. Like what Bon Jovi sang... 'IT'S.. MY..... LIFE!'

Pissed and sad

T_T .....kaerb GIB a ...kaerb a deen I

!!!!!!!!HHHHGRA ?!smes erom 2 rehtona rof niaga reffus ot ereh I mA ?!neppah ot denitsed lla siht sI .niaga dna niaga ,desu gnieb ylno si taht per ssalc 'ydobon' eht gnimoceb ,dniheb gniyats naht setamssalc rehto ym htiw deniamer evah dluohs I ?!ssalc tihc siht otni em tup ynitsed did yhw ,nmaD .setamssalc-xe ym htiw SC fo emag a gniyojne ...yppah os saw I ,devirra 'niap' eht erofeb yadoT

!!!...ahahahahauM .dias elpoep emos sa ...teews si ecnaegnev fo etsat ehT .rettam t'nseoD .....?reh ot detcartta ecno saw I esuaceb ti sI ?traeh ym ni emalf ereht si yhW .reh erongi tsuj dluohs I ?!?live os otni em denrut ,tnedicni diputs eno ,lrig diputs eno tel I nac woh ...tihS

!!!!!enim ot did uoy tahw ekil tsuj elbaresim efil uoy ekam lliw I ,hc**B tnarongi gnik**F !!!ahahahahah ...ti od erus lliw I neht ,rewop eht evah od I fI !!!ahahahahaum ,puorg reh otni yug yzal repus rehtona tup dna ...puorg reh gninioj ton si rehtonA .spuorg rehto gninioj ton fo ytip fo tuo puorg reh nioj dna 'loof' eht gnieb si enO .tfel noitpo 2 ylno s'ereht ,reh ta dessip gnik**f ma I dna ...tols ytpme eno evah llits puorg W ecniS

!!!ees dna tiaw uoy tsuj ,yad eno sleef layarteb woh fo 'etsat' a uoy evig erus lliw I ...elpoep etalupinam ot woh wonk ylno ohw stoidI !denrob saw I nehw live denrut evah dluohs I ...doog gnieb tihs os si tI ?!sdneirf doog dnif ot drah os ti si yhw ,live dna ekaf gnik**f os s'tI .em tuoba nmad a evig t'nod yeht ,gnikcip puorg revenehw tub ...pleh deen yeht nehw em ot emoc elpoeP .ti htiw ko m'I 'dneterp' ot evah osla I emityreve dna ...rehtona ot maet eno morf hctiws ot evah I tnemngissa puorg emityrevE ?stnemngissa laudividni evig srehcaet eht t'nac yhw ...tihS

!!!**uF ,kc** ,k**f .....das dna dessip repus m'I !wollef yzal rehtona htiw thgif neve t'ndluoc ...per ssalc a sa ,em dna ...maet eht rof hcum os did I emit tsal ehT .dessip m'I nmad ...hgrA !!!detnawnu ...os leef I naM .em gniksa naht rehtar ...maet reh nioj ot ,em naht yzal erom si ohw ,maS ksa ot derac W gnik**f ehT .smaet oiduA dna oediV aidemitluM eht rof xis fo spuorg ni seman rieht ni etirw ot repap eht setamssalc ym ot dessap I nehw yad eht si yllanif yadoT !!...em rof yad das ,das rehtonA !......hhhhhgiS

Fifth semester is coming soon...

Aihh... the new sem is coming soon. Usually I will be happy and can't wait for the new sem to start... the anticipation and waiting is a good thing. But this time I do not feel it anymore... it's actually sad and depressing. It's because I need to find a new 'group' when the sem starts.

The feeling of loneliness and confusion is bitter without a group to hang on to... I feel totally lost in the pit of abyss. No, it's not because I need a friend to cling on to. It's because I want to help them... as much as they help me. I will be happy in this mutual relationship... but now without a 'group', where am I to go?

I didn't know this would have such an impact on me... why should I care for people who doesn't care about me? Maybe it's because I put too much faith and hope on them... that they will do their best for me as I will for them. This trust is broken and I am deeply saddened. Why is it so hard to find true friends that will go through ups and downs with you in this world? Is true friends even harder to find than a needle in the hay?

Four more days to go... and I doesn't like the feeling at all. I wish to change class and forget all those so called 'friends', but with the class rep responsibility on my shoulders... I feel it is an irresponsible act. I must stay strong and face this challenge once again. I remembered last time when I have to change from one group to another in order to do group projects... and it was a terrible feeling. It is not that I am 'unwanted'... but I am the so called 'reserves', only picked because no group to join in. Now I felt what MC felt last time, when W didn't want her in her group. Hey, now W is DOING it to me! F**K her!!! >0

Forget it... like Eminem said 'You selfish B**ch I hope you F**ked in Hell and Shit!'. All I can do now is regret, learn and continue on with life. And even though I'm so mad, I still wish her Happy Bday yesterday... Damn! I'm like a good guy trying to be bad but gone all wrong... Shit! Shit!! Shit!!!

Hahahahaha..... Going to be crazy like Daniel liao, roflomgbbqsauce.....

Just 'friends'

Sad... Last semester was an enjoyable one. Why? It's because I thought I have found a group to hang out with... A group to share happiness and sadness together... A group that will do our work together... Truly one 'group'. But alas, all was fake and momentary. W just told me that next semester she don't want to be in the same group with me anymore. Why? I dont know why... Maybe she doesn't think I'm useful enough. Maybe she wants to try out new members. Whatever the reason is... I'm sad that she doesn't involve me as a 'part' of the group anymore.

Sigh... I know these things happen to many people, including me. I should not mind, care or keep it in heart that I doesn't belong in 'that' group. If they doesn't appreciate me, why should I do the same to them? But still I'm saddened... it's because I treated them truly as my best of friends, but did not received the same back. We are just normal 'friends'...

But I will stay strong! If they are not my true friends, then I shall keep finding for the ones called 'true'. I will not do anymore silly moves like help them do their assignments, when they are not in my group. I will concentrate more on myself and MY group... helping people nowadays is just a waste of time and energy (to most ungrateful people). Why am I so silly and stupid to always offer help to people, when I can't even help myself first?

Kindness... it's a trait I should have thrown out the window years ago. It has given me little help but mostly pain and misery. When can I become a 'normal' human being... a smart one... which only do what that is needed to be done, not any more or less... in order to take care of myself first? I must... I MUST LEARN TO SAY NO!!!

Another outing with LG

Thursday night I went out with Daniel, his bro Kevin and LG. It was a bit weird that LG is following us out, since it was actually to help Daniel buy his backpack bag. So after fetching LG around 9pm, we head over to One Utama. During the whole trip I was talking with LG at the back seat.

Then reached One Utama, it became me and Kevin talking most of the time, while LG listens and Daniel chatting with Eve who came to pass Daniel his lenses that Jessie Tan borrowed. Daniel bought the expensive backpack which cost nearly RM400. When Eve left later, it became LG talk with Daniel and I continue chatting with Kevin.

So we went for yamcha. The conversation was still the same... and sometimes I listen to what they say (LG and Daniel). Somehow I was a bit sad (or maybe jealous) cause what they talk are always those serious and love related stuffs, which doesn't involve me. Talking with Kevin made me realised that as we grow older, our life becomes less fun due to love, work and life. True... yet sad.

Then on the way back I did not talk with LG anymore... It was all LG and Daniel talking, while I listen to the radio and enjoy the sceneries outside the window. The ugly green monster is consuming me, but I hold it back. As we approach near to LG's place, Daniel offered to walk her back, so I didn't need to do that too. It would be better if Daniel do it too.....

So why am I still feeling this way? Is it because the feeling is still there...? One big weakness is I couldn't forget so easily, it takes a long time to totally forget that feeling. This holiday will be a good time to heal myself... and next sem, I vow not to look at her or even go out yamcha with her anymore. She likes another guy and it's time for me to wake up from this dream.

One thing I learned from Kevin is guys are egoistic, they like to sacrifice themselves to make girls happy although it will make them suffer in the end while girls are self centered... they love all the attention but only chose the best for themselves.

The end of sem 4 is coming

Hmm... donno should I be sad or happy. Yes, the end of semester is coming... I will be doing my last presentation tomorrow, then wait for next week Sat to take one exam only (English), which should be a walk in the park. Then I won't be able to see my college friends for 3 weeks + -.....

Doing this final assignment with W made me felt a bit guilty and sad. It's because I did not have a laptop, and all of them went to W's house to finish the assignment... and all I could do is finding sounds/editing them and pass to W through MSN. Also searching for some ingredients from the supermarket.

What I did, was it sufficient for the flash assignment that they did for the whole night without sleeping, until 7am? Guilt is consuming me... and I don't know if they think I'm worthless in this assignment. Thought about finding another new group next sem... if they really don't find me helpful in the team. Sigh... why am I doing this to myself? They don't really think that... do they!? >.<''

Argh... watever! Really need to stop making my ownself miserable by thinking too much... T_T

First opinion of LG from another friend who is in the same class

Me: So what is your opinion about her? Tell me honestly, I won't be mad one...

Dak: hmm... if she go make make cut cut her hair

Dak: n go treatment face...

Dak: I think pretty

Dak: I think she's the type that don't care about the appearance

Dak: like very cincai one...

Me: ya, I also donno why I like a so cincai girl...

Dak: ...

Me: .....

So, another failed attempt... further proven from a friend's statement that my 'requirements' are not high, but STILL.....

Sigh, why can't love be easy like the good old days? Why must human suffer with love? Why do people choose to love when they know it brings more pain and misery than happiness in the end? Why am I one of them too!?? Why... WHy... WHY!?!

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Because man are weird, that's WHY!!! 

Fed up being the 'driver'

Today really a busy and kanasai day. Wake up early morning, send mom to LRT and then buy food for my bro and myself. After that send aunty to clinic, where she suddenly vormit this morning.

Finally reach home, thought can rest... suddenly bro call me to send him to LRT again, cause he want to go out with friends. Kns, some more wants me to fetch him when he comes back! Then I also need to fetch my mom also leh...!? One day become driver how many times!!?

Damn, being too free at home is also not a good thing, cause you're expected to do everything else! I can't wait to continue my studies... -_-

Dear Diary... #1

I enjoyed chatting with her through MSN although I know I shouldn't. When suddenly the computer was switched off, I panicked and switched it on immediately... hoping to continue the conversation with her. Yes, I'm still sick... so what? Kill me noW! >.<

Yes, I'm a fool...