Sadness knows no boundaries

4 moths plus have passed, wow... what have happened to me these 4 months? One good thing is I passed my final paper, the FYP. I was unlucky that my group of 4, which at first looks like a good group and I was so glad to be in it, suddenly changed into a 2 person group. 1 of them wanted to stop studying because of 'no money' or 'no mood to study anymore', whichever his reason is. The second is the girl accidentally failed her paper, which resulted in her cannot taking the FYP (shit!). Anywaaaay, fortunately the girl decided to help us in finding ppl to act in our short movie, which changed AGAIN due to the lack of ppl suddenly. People used 6 months plus to plan and shoot. We used TWO, boy... that was the shit!

To make matter worse, the 1 person in my group, was feeling 'down'... somehow 'cocky' imho. Why? Because he 'dares' to talk back to a lecturer, which is NOT good, no matter how shitty the lecturer is. Finally I realized he don't care if the project fails or not, because he doesn't NEED to get the adv dip as he got jobs already. Then Why The Tuut You Took The FYP In The First Place, You Dimwit!!??!

Fine... I take it all in. It all boils down to me. If I dont push it, the FYP is as good as D.E.A.D. And I dont want that to happen as it will waste another year of my life. So F*** that shit, I tried to push and push. Done most of the job myself. Finally passed up the video to the lecturer. I was f**king scared that I will fail, cause I honestly feel its a piece of shit myself. But like a beam of light from the heavens, the lecturer and other ppl from outside who came to judge, didn't really tuut my movie that much! And in the end, we PASSED!!! My God... that was one of the happiest day of my life, I tell you! Can't believe it... and to make it better, the girl who helped us, the teacher planned to give her a pass too. Congrats!! It feels so good when your hard work finally pays off and helped a person on the way too, haha...

Back to what happened just now, 29th of June. It has been a long time since I meet my Tarc friends. They were busy, I was busy with Magic, so it kind of stretched to a month or 2 since we meet. These few months have make me miss her so much, as usual. But finally when we meet, the bomb fell on me. Yes... the thing that I feared most has finally arrived. YL is planning to get married.

I... was... stunned...... It felt like... my world suddenly turned black. The love of my life... finally getting married. Although I know it would happen, but when it really happen... it really takes a part of my life away. One of the saddest moment in my life, yet I have to pretend nothing has happened and chit chat with them all the way that night. My heart was weeping... my mind is confused... my soul has shattered... my feelings has fall down, deep into the abyss..... It was a night where I thought I can see her again. I did, and it turned out to be the night that I will forever lose her from my heart. YL, I love you... and I hope you all the happiness in the world with him. If he ever makes you cry, I will find him. And I will kill him...

Words can't describe how much pain I am suffering right now. My tears are dry, I could not weep... why? Am I still self denying this fact? Is the pain so big, that it strikes me with too much of an impact that I feel no sadness anymore? No... the sadness is still there, but it is not bursting out... yet. I dont know why, but I have accepted this cruel fact. Now all I want to do is do well in finding a job and forgetting her, which undoubtedly takes a very, very, very long time. 13 years of love... how long will it takes to disappear? I am scared to think about it anymore. I don't want anymore tears flowing for a person who doesn't love me, again. I really will... miss her....... Goodbye YL, my love.............................

Life is still sweet, not as dark as I thought it would be...

Ah... today I feel so relieved after lifting that one ton guilt in my heart. I did the most terrifying, ok... maybe only for me, thing there is... to tell my parents I failed my FYP and I need to wait another year to resit and graduate my Advanced Diploma.

It's my fault for trying to do the impossible... to do a hand animation entirely by myself, when I am still noob in drawing animation characters properly. I was very sad and my heart was so heavy, my head filled with ache... what can I do!? Nothing... I tried my best and in the end shoot with a machine gun by that bastard Aaron n even the damn Bern shoot at me, with silly questions like 'what did you learn all this while in multimedia?'... It was damn sarcastic and I was already shivering from doing presentation, so I just shoot whatever my mind can think while smiling to keep a positive attitude. Then the damn Aaron says I am not taking it seriously... F**K?! So what do you want me to do? Cry and beg for forgiveness in front of other students?!? I keep my head high, smiling... but deep inside the scars were deeper than the depths of Hell.

But now I feel so free... so happy, with no more worries or guilt. F**K them, I don't need to see them anymore... until next year. I will stay positive like what my parents want me to be. They encouraged me and say its alright, try again next year. I know they are sad cause I already wasted so much of my time studying, but I will start working next year. I must leave my nest and try to flap my wings into the dreaded world below. Even if I fail, at least I tried... I must.

Last Sunday was also a happy day because although I went to Submit, I did not join the tournament (my bro did and he lost). So I smsed YL and CMing if they want to come out for lunch or something, and they agreed. So the 3 of us had lunch and went for window shopping with YL... it was fun, cause I got to hang out with YL, ahhh :)

Problems getting solved, heart getting less frustrated...

Ah... this week has been quite a good week for me. First of my assignment which cannot find group members because of the b***h YC paid off when Bernard, my lecturer, actually remembers me well and is a understand person. When I asked him if I could make my group into 7 person (actually 6 is max), he thinks about it and then said 'err... okla, but the workload must be sufficient for 7 ppl). Yay! Then I tell my friend to tell YC, which she shows 'bad' face of not happy... which makes me even more happy! Wakakaka... In your face B***H!!! Steal my group member and still not happy when I join back with them, you are such a selfish pig you damn a**hole!

Then for my FYP, I suddenly have no members because they guy I should team with suddenly jump ship and wanted to do webpage design with my other group member. This time I did not feel angry nor wanted to jump ship with him because webpage is totally not my call... and he is more buddy with the other guy, so I understand if he joins him more than he joins me. So being solo, I thought of doing animation, cult animation, for my FYP. When I presented my idea to the lecturer, he was impressed and asked me to go along with it. But he warns me I need to make a creative character and storyline to sell the idea well, then I may even sell it later when I'm in the working world... wow, cool! haha XD

Two good news... I could not ask anything more. YL did not reply me in my FB that day... thus it must be unimportant for her to pm me in the first place. This semester I maybe too busy to even think of her anymore... a good thing I suppose. Time... all I need is time. ~END~

FYP has ended... and maybe a friendship too

Finally the FYP has ended... A lot of effort are put into it until I really no time for DOTA or yamcha with my friends. The sad thing is I feel like my group doesn't like me very much... maybe I'm not their 'group'... maybe I'm too old for them... maybe my style is not the same as theirs. Whatever the reason is, there are ups and downs when doing the FYP project and I am happy with the outcome.

Doing the exhibition for 2 days there was some lecturers and even the Head of School who came to our booth and said that our assignment was very interesting. It is a documentary on God possession and some other festivals in a temple. They said that we should try to send it to Astro or Discovery Chanel and sell our documentary if we fix it a bit more, haha... Or at least send to FINAS to get an award which will greatly help for our portfolio later in the working world. The HoS asked us to send a copy so the school can use it for other students to watch and learn from our documentary... cool!

Bad thing is when I was doing the documentary with my group... it was a harsh week, all did not get enough sleep and keep doing the video non-stop. I did my part, and went home to wait continue doing my part on one night. So, to relieve tension and make a joke, I wrote in my FB 'People who do not get enough sleep sometimes turn into monsters... haha'. It was a fun remark, any right minded people can see that...

BUT Miss LG didn't! She badly commented me back, saying how they become monsters but other ppl so good can go back home and sleep... -_- Ok... I went back to wait for HER part to finish, what is the use of me not sleeping AND doing nothing!? Keep shoot me, say me should not call her monster, this and that (I DIDNT even wrote her NAME). So I just take it all down and jokingly brush it all off cause I don't want to make a fuss about it. But it doesn't end there.....

She so childishly COMPLAIN to another group member, the eldest person in our group (woman in her thirties). Then she go scold me in SMS and said I should remove those remarks. WTF!?! I was damn pissed... no one would be so CHILDISH and whine about these stuffs except HER! I was even busy doing the FYP that night, which in the end only slept for 3 hours. So I disable her FB to see my posts and I wrote in FB 'Here I am, busy doing my FYP... but I got scolded for a joke I make. What is this world coming too?'. I know she will see it somehow, cause she is a BUSYBODY.

And saw the message she did... through her sis's FB. So we debate and debate, she still thinks she is not wrong for being 'close minded' and said it was my fault for joking it. FINE... so I stopped the msg-ing inFB and continue to do my FYP. Later she totally blocked me in FB too, wahahaha...!

Sighhh... am I supposed to be happy or sad that this relationship turned into such a bad state? She never knew that ALL this while, I am ALWAYS on her side no matter how wrong or bad she is... cause I F**KINGLY like her. She thought I'm bad and evil, with some bad propaganda behind. FiNe...! If you think I'm such a BAD person, then go ahead and ignore me. I don't need a close minded girl like you as my friend..... To think that I sacrificed so much for her, argh... what a FOOL I am!!

Goodbye LG... I hope you will continue your studies in Kampar, so I won't have to see you again. It only pains my heart to see you......... only mine...

Going for Johor!

Finally, an outstation trip... after so long! (blame Daniel for not organizing the PD trip after so many times talking about it) This trip was meant to be a case study... an assignment. We are doing a documentary on a temple in Johor. EChun took some videos of the place earlier... and I tell you, the place looks soooooo nice! It's beautiful, colorful... the perfect place to relax and get away from city life. And in the video if I'm not wrong, it looks like the temple is near a beach or kampung, something like that. Good! I can relax on the beach when I feel like it... IF I can la, haha..... XD

Whatever it is, I will not let LG make my mood down for tomolo (or today, since it's 12.16am now). I will be the director AND project leader... so I must do my best and BE the best! Yaataaaaa...!!!!! ^O^

P/S: I will try to get more pics to let you guys see how pretty the place is... XD

Damn tulan!

Shit! F**k!! CCB!!! I can't believe it... I have been neglected and conned into joining Robin's team for FYP! At first we agreed to discuss everything together, to be fair to everyone. Suddenly in today's meeting I found out that they already made up a story, and he even picked the position for everyone... which left me the worst position! F**k man!!! At least I was the Director of Photography in Muni's group... now I am just a f**king Director of... Casting!? Shit, shit, SHIT!!!!!

Damn I'm pissed and feeling regretful... I trusted the wrong person. Now I have to pay the price and work with THEM for FYP, damn damn! Argh... what did I do to deserve this!?! I shouldn't be so innocent and gullible... I should have seen through his fox skin!!! DAMN IT!

The name list have been submitted... should I continue on and live like nothing's wrong with THAT group for FYP!?! Or should I jump ship now before it's too late... but most of the group is occupied now... argh!

Really regretted my actions... sigh, sighhhhhh, sighhhhhhhhhhh!