The new beginning

Weird... the first person who cared and asked what makes me sad last night was Robb, a fellow magic player, rather than my other close friends. Maybe they didn't know it... or didn't care, I don't know. The sadness is still lingering inside... sometimes I have flashback of how it was we first meet. Sometimes the feeling of regret comes back. But I somehow manage to keep it all under control... which I couldn't, the last time when I was courting YLin. Is it a sign that I have grown up... or is it a sign that my feelings is not so strong for her anymore?

Last night I heard she will be marrying him 'behind closed doors'. WHAT!? She... and she agreed to that!?! Argh... that is so... not right! She deserves better than that. She deserves a wedding banquet, where she will be the main attraction of that night, her night. People will be able to see her in the most beautiful dress she will ever wear in her life, her wedding dress. But... but now all of that is not done, and she doesn't mind of that at all. A part of me is angry at the cheapskate boyfriend... but another part of me is in love with her even more, because there is rarely a girl who will do that for her future husband. She is so 'cincai', it makes me love her even more. Haha... what a joke. I didn't know she will be so 'cincai' till her wedding also like that. Way opposite of Daniel's gf, I must say... which is spreading like a 'disease' among girls nowadays, sigh.

But I can't blame 100% on her... cause the 'bf' is also like that. So 'cincai' and anti social (even more than me) that we haven't seen him even ONCE. Maybe not even after she is married! So the love of my life's husband is a 'geek'... sad but actually I don't want to see him in person either. It may make me hate him even more, even though I never seen him before, lol. I heard he's not that good looking either, so I REALLY have no intention of seeing him.

I hope and pray to God that I will at least be able to see her wedding pictures, where she will be the most beautiful princess in her life... and mine. I don't care if it sounds weird or desperate, it is my way of admiring her beauty for one...last... time, before she is officially someone's else wife.

But after all these years of loving YL secretly from the shadows, there is somethings that I learned. I learned that people can still be happy watching their love one having a happy life from afar, even for many many years, and it doesn't happen only happen in movies or mangas. I learned to be stronger, for myself and for her, even if she doesn't know or care about it. I learned that love is something that could be so beautiful like a diamond, so ugly like a witch and so 'cincai' like... YL. I learned that it is ok to love someone one-sidedly for many years and still be good friends, as long as you can control your emotions like a boss. I learned that I prefer to be alone and single till I die, if I dont find someone I love so much and so deeply like YL and definitely will not be 'queen controlled', no matter how much I love her because I know that if she will do that to me, it shows that she doesn't love me as much as I do for her (as I will not do that to her too).

It takes a lot of effort, pain, tears and time to really find the person you want to live with for the rest of your life, I know. Love is subjective and different from people to people, I know. Love is blind and there is no real explanation why he/she is so stupid enough to sacrifice so much for him/her, I know. Love changes you or may even turn you into something you despise before, I know. There are many things I learned about love from my own experience and from other people in my life, I know.

So from all the things that I have learned and now knew about, what can I do when the girl I love the most is going to get married? I will... (try) to stop loving from afar. I will... be happy for her and wish her the best in with her future husband. I will... let time heal my wounds. I will... find another girl worthy of my love and I will love her more than I did with YL. And I will first do so by concentrating on finding a job first and saving money.

People say that the mind is a strange and fickle thing. When you keep yourself busy, you will eventually forget about everything that you only think of when you are free. Undeniably true! So from now onward, I will try to keep myself busy. I know one day, my love for YL will become just another part of the pages of my life... a sweet memory. Goodbye YL... thank you for being a part... of my life......

Sadness knows no boundaries

4 moths plus have passed, wow... what have happened to me these 4 months? One good thing is I passed my final paper, the FYP. I was unlucky that my group of 4, which at first looks like a good group and I was so glad to be in it, suddenly changed into a 2 person group. 1 of them wanted to stop studying because of 'no money' or 'no mood to study anymore', whichever his reason is. The second is the girl accidentally failed her paper, which resulted in her cannot taking the FYP (shit!). Anywaaaay, fortunately the girl decided to help us in finding ppl to act in our short movie, which changed AGAIN due to the lack of ppl suddenly. People used 6 months plus to plan and shoot. We used TWO, boy... that was the shit!

To make matter worse, the 1 person in my group, was feeling 'down'... somehow 'cocky' imho. Why? Because he 'dares' to talk back to a lecturer, which is NOT good, no matter how shitty the lecturer is. Finally I realized he don't care if the project fails or not, because he doesn't NEED to get the adv dip as he got jobs already. Then Why The Tuut You Took The FYP In The First Place, You Dimwit!!??!

Fine... I take it all in. It all boils down to me. If I dont push it, the FYP is as good as D.E.A.D. And I dont want that to happen as it will waste another year of my life. So F*** that shit, I tried to push and push. Done most of the job myself. Finally passed up the video to the lecturer. I was f**king scared that I will fail, cause I honestly feel its a piece of shit myself. But like a beam of light from the heavens, the lecturer and other ppl from outside who came to judge, didn't really tuut my movie that much! And in the end, we PASSED!!! My God... that was one of the happiest day of my life, I tell you! Can't believe it... and to make it better, the girl who helped us, the teacher planned to give her a pass too. Congrats!! It feels so good when your hard work finally pays off and helped a person on the way too, haha...

Back to what happened just now, 29th of June. It has been a long time since I meet my Tarc friends. They were busy, I was busy with Magic, so it kind of stretched to a month or 2 since we meet. These few months have make me miss her so much, as usual. But finally when we meet, the bomb fell on me. Yes... the thing that I feared most has finally arrived. YL is planning to get married.

I... was... stunned...... It felt like... my world suddenly turned black. The love of my life... finally getting married. Although I know it would happen, but when it really happen... it really takes a part of my life away. One of the saddest moment in my life, yet I have to pretend nothing has happened and chit chat with them all the way that night. My heart was weeping... my mind is confused... my soul has shattered... my feelings has fall down, deep into the abyss..... It was a night where I thought I can see her again. I did, and it turned out to be the night that I will forever lose her from my heart. YL, I love you... and I hope you all the happiness in the world with him. If he ever makes you cry, I will find him. And I will kill him...

Words can't describe how much pain I am suffering right now. My tears are dry, I could not weep... why? Am I still self denying this fact? Is the pain so big, that it strikes me with too much of an impact that I feel no sadness anymore? No... the sadness is still there, but it is not bursting out... yet. I dont know why, but I have accepted this cruel fact. Now all I want to do is do well in finding a job and forgetting her, which undoubtedly takes a very, very, very long time. 13 years of love... how long will it takes to disappear? I am scared to think about it anymore. I don't want anymore tears flowing for a person who doesn't love me, again. I really will... miss her....... Goodbye YL, my love.............................