Passing time

Slowly but surely, keeping myself busy so I won't wonder my mind over to 'her' again. Today while I was surfing facebook, I somehow got redirected to a comic strip blog, which I seen before and is very entertaining. Then they were having some kind of 'meet up' with other comic strip blogger, so I visited some of them. One of them was... how can I say... an 'emo blog', like mine haha. Anyway, the comic was simple, short but the message was clear. And I unexpectedly clicked and look at some of his older comics, which shows that his comic strips was not bad!

Hmmm... have thought of this before but never really make it into a reality, but I want to make a comic strip too. Rather than just typing my feelings into my blog, I can draw it out for people to see and maybe entertain them too, haha. I know because 'reality sells', especially when its real and from your own life experience. But how ah... draw on pen and paper, scan, color then post into blog? Or draw from comp straight and color from there (I think need the com pen thingy). Somehow feel motivated but also feels lazy... scare will just be a waste of time since not much ppl visit my blog anyway, haha. Wait... I think should make a new blog so ppl can't see my private blog in here. Don't want the whole world to know about me and YL, do we?

Will have a long and deep thinking about this... if it is to be good, it needs to be updated regularly, which I'm scared will not be easy doing it alone. Who wants in? Lol... stupid idea really, but I like to draw (even if my drawing sucks). Will try to make one next week. Must... remember!

P/S: YL, I know you are not watching this, but I just want to say... "aishiteru"

The new beginning

Weird... the first person who cared and asked what makes me sad last night was Robb, a fellow magic player, rather than my other close friends. Maybe they didn't know it... or didn't care, I don't know. The sadness is still lingering inside... sometimes I have flashback of how it was we first meet. Sometimes the feeling of regret comes back. But I somehow manage to keep it all under control... which I couldn't, the last time when I was courting YLin. Is it a sign that I have grown up... or is it a sign that my feelings is not so strong for her anymore?

Last night I heard she will be marrying him 'behind closed doors'. WHAT!? She... and she agreed to that!?! Argh... that is so... not right! She deserves better than that. She deserves a wedding banquet, where she will be the main attraction of that night, her night. People will be able to see her in the most beautiful dress she will ever wear in her life, her wedding dress. But... but now all of that is not done, and she doesn't mind of that at all. A part of me is angry at the cheapskate boyfriend... but another part of me is in love with her even more, because there is rarely a girl who will do that for her future husband. She is so 'cincai', it makes me love her even more. Haha... what a joke. I didn't know she will be so 'cincai' till her wedding also like that. Way opposite of Daniel's gf, I must say... which is spreading like a 'disease' among girls nowadays, sigh.

But I can't blame 100% on her... cause the 'bf' is also like that. So 'cincai' and anti social (even more than me) that we haven't seen him even ONCE. Maybe not even after she is married! So the love of my life's husband is a 'geek'... sad but actually I don't want to see him in person either. It may make me hate him even more, even though I never seen him before, lol. I heard he's not that good looking either, so I REALLY have no intention of seeing him.

I hope and pray to God that I will at least be able to see her wedding pictures, where she will be the most beautiful princess in her life... and mine. I don't care if it sounds weird or desperate, it is my way of admiring her beauty for one...last... time, before she is officially someone's else wife.

But after all these years of loving YL secretly from the shadows, there is somethings that I learned. I learned that people can still be happy watching their love one having a happy life from afar, even for many many years, and it doesn't happen only happen in movies or mangas. I learned to be stronger, for myself and for her, even if she doesn't know or care about it. I learned that love is something that could be so beautiful like a diamond, so ugly like a witch and so 'cincai' like... YL. I learned that it is ok to love someone one-sidedly for many years and still be good friends, as long as you can control your emotions like a boss. I learned that I prefer to be alone and single till I die, if I dont find someone I love so much and so deeply like YL and definitely will not be 'queen controlled', no matter how much I love her because I know that if she will do that to me, it shows that she doesn't love me as much as I do for her (as I will not do that to her too).

It takes a lot of effort, pain, tears and time to really find the person you want to live with for the rest of your life, I know. Love is subjective and different from people to people, I know. Love is blind and there is no real explanation why he/she is so stupid enough to sacrifice so much for him/her, I know. Love changes you or may even turn you into something you despise before, I know. There are many things I learned about love from my own experience and from other people in my life, I know.

So from all the things that I have learned and now knew about, what can I do when the girl I love the most is going to get married? I will... (try) to stop loving from afar. I will... be happy for her and wish her the best in with her future husband. I will... let time heal my wounds. I will... find another girl worthy of my love and I will love her more than I did with YL. And I will first do so by concentrating on finding a job first and saving money.

People say that the mind is a strange and fickle thing. When you keep yourself busy, you will eventually forget about everything that you only think of when you are free. Undeniably true! So from now onward, I will try to keep myself busy. I know one day, my love for YL will become just another part of the pages of my life... a sweet memory. Goodbye YL... thank you for being a part... of my life......

Sadness knows no boundaries

4 moths plus have passed, wow... what have happened to me these 4 months? One good thing is I passed my final paper, the FYP. I was unlucky that my group of 4, which at first looks like a good group and I was so glad to be in it, suddenly changed into a 2 person group. 1 of them wanted to stop studying because of 'no money' or 'no mood to study anymore', whichever his reason is. The second is the girl accidentally failed her paper, which resulted in her cannot taking the FYP (shit!). Anywaaaay, fortunately the girl decided to help us in finding ppl to act in our short movie, which changed AGAIN due to the lack of ppl suddenly. People used 6 months plus to plan and shoot. We used TWO, boy... that was the shit!

To make matter worse, the 1 person in my group, was feeling 'down'... somehow 'cocky' imho. Why? Because he 'dares' to talk back to a lecturer, which is NOT good, no matter how shitty the lecturer is. Finally I realized he don't care if the project fails or not, because he doesn't NEED to get the adv dip as he got jobs already. Then Why The Tuut You Took The FYP In The First Place, You Dimwit!!??!

Fine... I take it all in. It all boils down to me. If I dont push it, the FYP is as good as D.E.A.D. And I dont want that to happen as it will waste another year of my life. So F*** that shit, I tried to push and push. Done most of the job myself. Finally passed up the video to the lecturer. I was f**king scared that I will fail, cause I honestly feel its a piece of shit myself. But like a beam of light from the heavens, the lecturer and other ppl from outside who came to judge, didn't really tuut my movie that much! And in the end, we PASSED!!! My God... that was one of the happiest day of my life, I tell you! Can't believe it... and to make it better, the girl who helped us, the teacher planned to give her a pass too. Congrats!! It feels so good when your hard work finally pays off and helped a person on the way too, haha...

Back to what happened just now, 29th of June. It has been a long time since I meet my Tarc friends. They were busy, I was busy with Magic, so it kind of stretched to a month or 2 since we meet. These few months have make me miss her so much, as usual. But finally when we meet, the bomb fell on me. Yes... the thing that I feared most has finally arrived. YL is planning to get married.

I... was... stunned...... It felt like... my world suddenly turned black. The love of my life... finally getting married. Although I know it would happen, but when it really happen... it really takes a part of my life away. One of the saddest moment in my life, yet I have to pretend nothing has happened and chit chat with them all the way that night. My heart was weeping... my mind is confused... my soul has shattered... my feelings has fall down, deep into the abyss..... It was a night where I thought I can see her again. I did, and it turned out to be the night that I will forever lose her from my heart. YL, I love you... and I hope you all the happiness in the world with him. If he ever makes you cry, I will find him. And I will kill him...

Words can't describe how much pain I am suffering right now. My tears are dry, I could not weep... why? Am I still self denying this fact? Is the pain so big, that it strikes me with too much of an impact that I feel no sadness anymore? No... the sadness is still there, but it is not bursting out... yet. I dont know why, but I have accepted this cruel fact. Now all I want to do is do well in finding a job and forgetting her, which undoubtedly takes a very, very, very long time. 13 years of love... how long will it takes to disappear? I am scared to think about it anymore. I don't want anymore tears flowing for a person who doesn't love me, again. I really will... miss her....... Goodbye YL, my love.............................

Valentines Day 2012

Ah, another Valentine day spent alone... not entirely alone cause I got my new XBOX 360 d, mwahahaha! Anyway, last week I went for wedding with my best friends from TARC. Two cars went there, which is driven by Sam and CM. Sam's car got me, Oon and SG while CM's car got Jimmy, WingC, YLing. First we meet up at the Jalan Ipoh famous dim sum area. Then we started our journey for Sophiya's wedding lunch. Went early to find the place by GPS. Found it liao then went for yamcha at a nearby mamak.

We did a mistake by eating too much for breakfast and thus did not eat a lot for the wedding lunch. The food was ok, and most of us only pau RM60 cause kampung area + we need travel so far + no wedding card + not that 'close'. Wow, need to take these into considerations when pau the next wedding lunch/dinner, haha.

Finish d then we went to pray a bit at a nearby small temple which is just nearby the restaurant. Then did some 'chau jim' and I asked for relationship question. The paper I got said something about me pretending to be a hero and need to buckle up more in order to get one. I got pretend to be hero meh!? But the second one was right... sigh! T_T

Then took some photos with Sophiya before heading back. Thought of going for a short Dota session but Oon need to be back early, thus we all headed back then. Sad... A fun filled day with my friends nevertheless.

Now on the story of YL... it's the first time I think I meet up with YL this year, and to confirm it I asked Sam and he said yeah. No wonder feels like a thousand years didn't meet her liao. Then when we sat down on the table in Sophiya's wedding lunch, I did not expect her to sit next to me, which makes me even more happy, haha. SG and CM sit next table as YLin's son and maid occupied liao the table. Good for them, hehe... XD

Anyway regardless to say, although we just sit next to each other, my heart is far from reaching her. The happiest moment was when she sits near to my side when taking pictures. Not VERY near, just nearer, but enough to make me happy for a long while, haha. We did talk more than usual and Sam beside me helps me to gain courage in making conversations with her. Damn I miss her so much deep inside, more than I thought I would. F*** it, stop feeling like this la! Get married soon YL and kill this feeling I have for you for so long, PLEASE! It's killing me!! T_T

Happy SAD To All! (Single Awareness Day, haha)

The first post of the year!

Wow, so long didnt blog liao... maybe busy with life, that's why... haha. These couple of week have been going out a lot with the TARC gang, which is nice as staying at home playing LOL is not healthy. But it also means my pocket money is going thin! Luckily I got some extra cash from working with my bro else really cannot support going out, eating, yamchaing and most of all... Magic! Yup, the pre-release has passed, which is on the weekend of CNY week, walao. Got some nice mystics and rares but not exp ones. Overall ok but my bro rugi. Razif n Kel Veen most untung, haha...

Let's talk about CNY this year 1st. This new year has been good and bad. Bad I don't want to mention here la... good is we got an increment of 300% from our angpows from our parents, woohoo! RM300 baby, that's a lot for 3 of us! Thus with the new TV from last year, it is time to upgrade our video game console to... XBOX 360! Really wanted to buy PS3 but with no/rare pirated copies now, better buy XBOX 360 to save cost. If all goes well, will be taking the XBOX (buying second hand) from Jimmy tonight.

But this year CNY never seen YL before... either she balik kampung or busy. Sad to say she is now back to her old self. Doesn't reply sms and lazy to come out yamcha with us. Soon I won't even have the energy to ask her yamcha anymore. Why? Because I hate people who doesn't answer my sms whether they going or not. Not going also must reply! If you lazy, then I will also lazy to ask you out next time. I sms to A LOT while you only sms to ME. If 1 also you cannot handle than the same goes to me for you. Mr Daniel you also one of them! >(

Miss her that is why I'm mad? Haha... maybe. Well, counting back... its been 9 years that I loved her, secretly. She having a bf now is slowly making me forget her, but a 9 year love is hard to recover. Whenever I have free time or see people in love, I will think of her. I don't want to admit it but my heart is lonely, haha. So I will cure it with work and the new XBOX I'm getting soon. YL, BEGONE!!! *poof* lol

Argh, with Valentines coming, it doesn't help me neither. YL faster get married so I will not think of you or miss you anymore! Wish I could just rip my heart out...

Anyway one day during the CNY period asked Kim Hoe and Chun Siong, both which I'm not in good terms with last time, for dinner (bak kut teh). Kim Hoe I can slowly accept back as a friend but CS... no way, yet. Seeing how he never improved, I prefer to think of him as a wall/stone. I will consider him not around when he is nearby! lol...

Work... need to find work starting next month. A bit scared and no confidence... sigh, where should I start? ><

Merry Christmas 2011

It almost doesn't feel like the year is about to pass... so fast time really flies, in a blink of an eye and 2012 is already coming. Last weekend had been a very fun filled week, at least for me. And what better way to spend Christmas than with friends (also got with family la, haha).

Let's start with Sat. Last Sat took LRT to Sg Wang where we Singk, only four of us including Sam, SG and CM. Others are either busy with their own plans or just didn't respond to our invitation. I went even though wasn't feeling well cause just recovered (not fully) from diarrhea. Lucky was alright after I went there.

After Singk in redbox low yat, went to eat n yamcha again cause they not full eating the food in redbox. Spent a long time chatting there about almost everything, haha... Then called Daniel and as anticipated, he's going to find her gf at night. So I planned to follow CM to his house and then follow Daniel back, so I don't need to waste time and money travel back alone XD Anyway, was shocked cause SG also followed me. I guess CM promised will send her back, so nice of him...!

So went to YL house, watch a movie and all of us went out for dinner, which cost a bomb in Subang Parade. Daniel la... nothing to do go so far for what? He said wanted to buy something... which I'm not sure if he really did buy anything in the end. Oh well... then go to Asia Cafe to yamcha while countdown by ourselves for Christmas, lol. Daniel half way went back to fetch his gf come and join us, with 2 thingy wiggling on top of his head ROTFLOL! Looks like her gf wore the traditional santa hat while he wore the cute ver, which... supposed to be wore by girls? haha... I admire his courage to wear it and find us in Asia Cafe, where most strangers will be too (plus other mixed feelings)... lololol.

Ah... the power of love, I must say its a power nobody really can predict. After around 1am we start our journey back. CM was feeling not well, so Daniel send SG back, after sending her gf back. A tiring but happy and funny day, lol...

Sunday, which was yesterday... went out for a big eating with parents and my 2 bro in Festival City. Thought of eating Esquire Kitchen cause my bro say there's one but in the end there wasn't. So we end up eating at Seoul Garden, a buffet with grill and steamboat with a bit of Korea essence. As expected of its name, it was expensive... one person nearly RM40, thus all of us cost a wooping near RM200. But it was fun, and its been a long time since we ate like that (or is it the first? forgot, haha). Then I went to find Sam and SG which is there to find me earlier and even went for 1 hour of karaoke to wait for me lunch. So nice of them XD

It was all thanks to Sam for being so 'hyped' up and fetch me and SG go and back so we can hang out with YL them. Really nice guy, haha. After we left from Festival City we got a bit lost because I asked Sam to input into his GPS Summit Square but it was actually Summit USJ. When we reached, thought of going to Sunway Pyramid for movie but they say will be very jam with ppl... so in the end watch movie in YL's house. 3 movie in the end we watched, nice nevertheless. Oh went for a vegan dinner and bought some food back for the last movie. It was nice to be able to watch movie for free while surrounded by friends, haha. Oh ya, saw Oon for a while then he left cause he came back for his camera.

From the 2 days we chat about a lot of things. But the most memorable ones was about YL, no need say, lol... It's funny when she said she feel her time is being sucked by her bf when her bf went to see her in her home (because she cant do her past time stuffs like watching movie, haha) but she also said she will miss her if he doesn't come. YL oh YL... I can't blame you because it's your first time dating. Maybe I will feel and do the same thing when it's my time? Haha... love is such a funny and weird thing. I have no rush for it while learning from my friends about love, hehe... XD

One of the happiest day of my life!

Today went for dinner and yamcha with Weng Foo (which just came back last month and see him 1st time today), SG, WingC and Jimmy. It was fun and enjoyable. Then we went to Desa Park City where CM and YL joined. Now why is today one of the most happiest day of my life? Because of:

1. On the way driving to find Jimmy, YL sms-ed me and say she could not come because CM not coming. At the end of the message she added a smiley face of :P.... OMG, first time she used smiley, I am so happy to see one in MY sms! XD

2. While we were talking I forgot what I asked her... I think I asked her 'why you don't bring you bf along' or something like that. She replied with a >< and :P... she took out her lips a little while closing her eyes like that... IT WAS SO CUTE! OMG... since when she start doing all these cute stuffs!?! And she do it to ME... I was so happy and feel honored. Maybe it is because she's in love, maybe its because she's starting to change... but she doing :P to me in real life really melts my heart in an instance, so happy to see it! XD

Ah... YL has changed so much since she has a bf. I dont know if the bf is really her first and last or not, but I wish her happiness... if its with the current bf, then let it be. Be happy Yee Ling... for me... and for CM who I knows also love you a lot. You deserve non other..... :)

Thoughts for her

How come I am thinking 'what if he is not suitable for her?'... when YL's current bf have been sending her to Klang every 3 times a week from her house, and that's nearly an hour drive! How come I am scared if she will be cheated by the man, when she is already old enough to think for herself? How come I am having all these thoughts, when she does not even think about me?!?

Haha... I guess this is what people call as 'finding useless trouble for your ownself'. Maybe I am still coping with the fact... maybe I just need more time to forget her totally. 11 years, I bet I could not take that long to love another girl next time before asking her to be my gf, haha... 11 years is a long long time to love another girl secretly... 11 years thinking of her, how much time needed to forget?

I wish I could just take out that piece of heart that yearns for her everyday and throw it away... I wish I could delete the memories and thoughts I have for her, then I will not suffer anymore... I wish I could be strong enough to go through the days without thinking of her which makes me crazy and lonely... thought I do not wish I never knew her in the first place.

Give me some time and I will forget her totally... yes, time is my only medicine... time will heal.

The day I feared for 11 years has finally arrive~

Just now went for yamcha with YL, EChing, Jimmy, WingC and CMing. I was happy caused it has been weeks of not able to see her and suddenly when I first see her today, I feel something different about her. She looked prettier... way prettier than normal. Is her make up skill so good now, or did she went for some exercise programs? I nearly couldn't recognize that beautiful girl, and later I knew why...

She break up the news to us that she is now officially coupled with a boy... so now she has a bf! The moment she said that it was like a thousand, no, millions of razor sharp blade went through my heart... and my heart died in an instant. But quickly I regained my consciousnesses and said 'Good la, I'm happy for you...' Haha, actually its half true.

I'm VERY sad because the girl I have secretly in love with for 11 years are now a couple with another guy I dont know. But actually another part of my heart feel relieved... because I know now that my heart can finally be put to rest, no need to wonder if she will accept me in the future or not... the hope will die and I will wish her happiness with her new found and first accepted bf...

I am so sad... tears cannot come out of my eyes. Yet I feel relieved and happy for her... if she did not have a bf, she would not be so happy today. She will not look so much cheerful and full of energy like today. She won't be the wonderfully beautiful YL that I saw, today...

I am still very happy when she thanked me for helping her Google some stuffs for her prom night thingy in the coffeebean of desa park city. I will forever remember this night... the night she told me that she has been accepted by another man... The night I wish her eternal happiness with her love one... The night that my heart finally died......

Stressed and lonely

As I wait here aimlessly in front of my computer for the arrival of my new LCD TV (yeah, finally changed my old 10++ year TV!), I start to think what am I doing with my life. Up until now I still feel pressured by the damn FYP because my supervisor ask me do this and when I present to a panel of lecturers, they rejected it. Mostly is my fault, cause now only I realized my storyboarding skill sucks... sigh!

Still hanging, dunno what to do... sms lecturer but no reply. I feel like giving up in this fyp... but its my last sem, I should finish it and start work... too old to still studying, sigh...! So to relieve myself from all this stress I turn to Magic... it can help me release tension, use some brain power and at the same time maybe profit from it. But all are too busy with their own work so I can't test my standard decks myself. Another dead end, sigh...!

So sien and tension I am that I have no time to think about love at all... unless somehow my mind wonders there again. YL... yeah, she can't seem to disappear from my mind no matter how hard I try. Then I read some quotes which fits me perfectly. It says 'You are not giving up in love but trying to move on' and 'I feel happy to love you from afar when I know I could not get your love'. It looks like I am not the only person in this situation, where I love her so much but people see me as silly to still cling on in this love. Ya, I know she won't love me but I just couldn't stop loving her from afar... it's too irresistible, the hope is undying, I feel happy whenever I think of her... you can say it's like a drug. A mind drug that makes me feel happy and sad... but the only feeling that I will never let go... the feeling of being alive.

I have a bad vibe that I will not able to graduate again, sigh... f**k it, let me end this misery now!

Another outing, just the 4 of us

Wow, slept only nearly 5 hours, then quickly rush n drive to Jimmy's house yesterday. Yeah, I was later arriving his house, where I then parked my car and followed in his new car to fetch SG and WC. Our destination? To The Curve and karaoke~! XD

As usual, I sang my heart out with SG who chooses all English songs, my fav! Now they have unlimited flow of water, just that a bit mafan need to call them come in each time we need a refill. At RM16.50 for 3 hours singing and lunch, worthy la~! :)

Then have a tiring journey of walking here n there shopping for the girls, argh my legs! But it is always fun to accompany friends in doing activities, haha. Then we went to Murni for dinner. A bit expensive but worth the amount spent with the amount of food consumed. Chat more around until nearly 9pm and we start our journey home.

Had much good conversation with SG. Yeah, I agree that YL is not what u call the 'perfect' choice as a gf, nor will she be the best wife. She asked me if I still love her and I paused a while... then answered her 'slowly diminishing feelings'. Yeah, I'm mad at her for not joining us for Karaoke today. I'm even more mad at her for not joining us at Murni. Her reasons? None... but I already know her reasons is always only 1... "lazy/ no mood". Pft~!

Slowly I regain my senses... I think I love YL for so long is because she is the ONLY girl I see, without broadening my horizons to others. No I didn't say I want to woo SG, but there is a lot more nice girls out there like SG that I should search for, not clinging to a girl like YL that I know will totally make any man beg under her knees if they marry her, haha. Too rough, not my style. Goodbye YL, you are not my target anymore. I know the remaining feelings inside me will subside if you continue to be the arrogant, lazy and ignorant girl you are now. Which is the same attitude since I fell in love with you 9 years ago, sigh... I guess something never change, do they?

A weekend with friends

Last Thursday was my last exam, then I was finally free. Friday went to EM with Daniel, I drove. Was shocked and happy when I realized they installed a big LCD TV there, with X-Box 360 too! And Street Fighter was there... Omg, when can I play!? But no one was there, so I only played Magic with Daniel and opened some boosters.

Later a guy came, with his PS3! And he was playing SF too... ah, I want to play too! So after some rounds of Magic with Daniel, we stopped, he do his work and I tested SF... woot! At first I looked at them play and realized they are not so pro, which means they just mash up the button without real strategy. But having a closer look, they are quite good... so I asked them if I could play and they say ok. Sweet~!

Thus started my adrenaline... I beat the dude, and the 2nd, 3rd... a lot times, haha. I finally lost when I used some weaker characters like Vega. So I stopped and rest cause my hand is in pain because long time no touch controller liao. Played some Magic as David came. Then after too much Magic, I stopped again and went back for SF... Round 2!

This time I was serious. He (the owner of the PS3) is good, so I used my best characters. Started with Akuma and won around 12 rounds, then lost to his Sagat. Beat guys including 7 chai too, he was not bad, but I was better, haha... Then I look around and stop a while. Then took the control again, this time using Ken. Won another 7 rounds ++, nd lost to his Sagat again (after beating once). Ok enuf, only will lose to that guy with a 50% chance if we both use our best characters. But final before we go, I used Fei Long and completely pawn his Jun... wakaka XD

Daniel also got play and he won 1 round. But seing how keng that guy is (when he play serious), I told him better stop with 1 win, lol. It totally made my day, as I managed to pawn a lot of ppl in one of the earliest fighting game I ever played, when I was small. If I got PS3 at home, I will definately pawn that guy too, lol...

Then we went for dinner/yamcha at the mamak near YL's place. CMing was a bit late but nvm as we chow down our dinner 1st. When he did came, it was a let down as YL was not there. He got ask her come but she doesn't want too. I was a bit upset and mad at her, cause I came all the way there yet she still doesn't want to yamcha with us... what a letdown. But out yamcha session got interesting as we went into 'guy talk teritory' which is not possible if a girl was around, haha. So what if YL is not there? I still enjoyed my night there~!

The next day was another yamcha, this time I requested nearer as my parents don't like me travelling so far, 2 times in a roll some more. In the end it was Desa City Park, Kepong. I flew there with my car cause I was late, but only WingC and Jimmy was there when I arrived. Very late later, SG, CMing and YL came. It was strange... not because I was extremely happy because I saw YL, but I just felt 'normal' happy when I saw ALL of them came. YL wasn't in my world at all that night, haha...

We chat while drinking coffee bean. Then Daniel came, very late until the shop going to close d. So I proposed we have second round nearby, at that we did... in a mamak. Was suprised with Jimmy's new car too... nice white KIA car, looks like a luxury car but cost around RM80k+ only. Ok, its quite exp also la, haha. At the mamak we continue on with our chat. That night they got talk about their trip to Hanoi, we discussed on the coming Jimmy marriage and Choy Yen's wedding next month, and etc. It was nice, and it ended around 2.

I flew back, and luckily did not caught by speed traps as there were police road blocks, fuh~! Joined the Magic gang in Choice a while (so did Daniel) then went back home, happy and contended.

YL... seeing her has no reaction with me, I also did not have any reaction towards her. Maybe I slowly realized YL is really no queen, no fair maiden... not my perfect choice as my soul partner. She is just too 'carefree'... its ok, but not with the person you love. Looking at how she doesn't give a positive feedback to me, I don't feel any spark with her anymore = goodbye YL. I should not care or mind, cause she doesn't love me in the first place too! *Facepalm*

Ok wrote too much, nite~!

Long time absence part 2

Wow... after reading, I realized I was really emo in my last post, lol. Maybe it's what I have been keeping inside and not letting it go for a long time. Stress... everyone have it, and I released it here (games only help me soften it). Here goes part 2~!

Girls... actually I don't really miss anyone when I am busy, no time to think of love. This Monday I started to be free again. So I asked 'D' how was YL, since he sometimes find them for yamcha. He told me a story where YL saw a man from behind while they were yamcha-ing, and thought it was me. o.O'' I was stunned a little. One part I was happy because she 'somehow' thought it was me... another part was me scolding myself again, saying 'Hey, don't get any bright ideas here buster!'. It was a short lived happiness, but I know it meant nothing... and down to earth I fell, again.

YL... I think 50% of all my post in this blog are related to her, lol. I know I couldn't get her yet I still cling into that tiny winy hope that I could. I wish her to find a good boyfriend asap but I know that day will then be the saddest day in my life. I say I don't miss her but everyday I think of her. Yup, still sick... Oh well, I have been sick all these while, might as well get sick till I die? Haha...

Old news... like what I said, finish study and work. No money to love, no ability to love. G'nite YL, sorry I couldn't celebrate your bday (past)~

Problems getting solved, heart getting less frustrated...

Ah... this week has been quite a good week for me. First of my assignment which cannot find group members because of the b***h YC paid off when Bernard, my lecturer, actually remembers me well and is a understand person. When I asked him if I could make my group into 7 person (actually 6 is max), he thinks about it and then said 'err... okla, but the workload must be sufficient for 7 ppl). Yay! Then I tell my friend to tell YC, which she shows 'bad' face of not happy... which makes me even more happy! Wakakaka... In your face B***H!!! Steal my group member and still not happy when I join back with them, you are such a selfish pig you damn a**hole!

Then for my FYP, I suddenly have no members because they guy I should team with suddenly jump ship and wanted to do webpage design with my other group member. This time I did not feel angry nor wanted to jump ship with him because webpage is totally not my call... and he is more buddy with the other guy, so I understand if he joins him more than he joins me. So being solo, I thought of doing animation, cult animation, for my FYP. When I presented my idea to the lecturer, he was impressed and asked me to go along with it. But he warns me I need to make a creative character and storyline to sell the idea well, then I may even sell it later when I'm in the working world... wow, cool! haha XD

Two good news... I could not ask anything more. YL did not reply me in my FB that day... thus it must be unimportant for her to pm me in the first place. This semester I maybe too busy to even think of her anymore... a good thing I suppose. Time... all I need is time. ~END~

Her, again...

Yesterday watched Bones, the series drama. There was one part where a guy who sees the person he loves being with another guy... who admits to them he has already long forgotten her... but deep inside, he still loves her and just cant let her go. So he went to see a psychiatrist, and ask for a solution. When he did, I immediately wanted the answer too... cause I was totally like the guy, wanting to forget YL but just can't. Unfortunately, there is NO remedy or solution.

The psychiatrist only suggested 'time'... which I already know is the ONLY answer to my problem too... Sigh~! Then I went to sleep early for today's class. When I woke up, I saw a pm from her, which is from last night in FB... har!? I was shocked, but I replied 'Yes?'... but she was offline already. Then my mind goes all crazy again, thinking what is it she wants me for... which I know is maybe 'nothing' at all. To make matters worse, she post up some pics of her on FB of her vacation in Bangkok. How could I forget her if I keep clicking open to see the pics? Argh~!

Busy... I must keep myself busy and forget her. Time will heal... Time Must Heal... Time DEFINITELY will HEAL!!!

One more weekend full of Q&A

Yesterday I thought of going to yamcha with Daniel as it has been a routine for our gang to yamcha every Sat, but he said he was sick. Then suddenly he called up and said he was on the way to find his gf, which is more sick than he is. Why don't wait for me!? Then I don't need to waste my petrol going to USJ so far, which then lead me to 'kena' from my parents for driving so far just to yamcha. Sigh... maybe he was desperado and speedy Gonzales, haha...

Raining freaking heavy, I drove to Murni and ate with WingC and Jimmy. They suddenly tell me the bad news in which YL will be super late and may even cancel coming as she's on the way from Bukit Tinggi (French Village that place). I don't mind actually, but it kinda sucks coming so damn far just for a dinner, haha... While we are eating suddenly KH called Jimmy and said he was at Taipan already. So the yamcha is still on, and we went there.

KH still behaves like the KH I know, just that less 'tuut' me on stuffs which I REALLY don't like to hear, even if it was meant as a joke. So that's considered an improvement that I can accept, haha... As we were talking and playing with the IPad & IPad2, YL called and said she was coming. I don't mind if she comes or not, but more is always merrier, haha...

Then when she comes, dressing all pretty like that (maybe because a guy she fancied was also with her to BT), my heart skips a beat. WTF!? I told myself not to love her anymore and here my heart feels all squishy again... argh! Time... I need more time and avoid seeing her, then I will be cured... maybe, haha. She sounds happy when we teased her a 'special' person went to BT with her. My brain is saying 'yes, good for her!' but my heart feels a 'sting' when her face looks happy by it... Argh, FML~!

Anyway, we were discussing a lot of stuffs... and there was a part which involved me, on the topic of being too 'honest' again. Yeah, I realized being too honest sometimes hurt ppl too... which I didn't really noticed until people told me that. Cause honest is the best policy~! For me at least, haha... Taking their advice into consideration, I think I should sometimes hide the truth... just for the better between me and the person I talk to, in the future. But still I will be as honest as possible, cause honesty is my middle name~! Wakaka... -_-;

Tomorrow starts school again... and I need to find a lecturer to request if my group can exceed by 1 person or not... else I will be groupless, again. F**K IT, I hate moments like this the most!!! FML...

Love partner

Last weekend I went to Darren's wedding in Jalan Imbi with my bro, the two D's, Sum and his gf, WL, Dioz, Edmund and Wee. It was a happy and fun day. The food was ok... some quite bad because of the flour they used.

What kept me thinking is... am I ready to love? Yes, its been a long time since I loved YL... but if someday if I were really to have the option to woo her, will I do it? At first I would definitely said yes... but now, when I really took some time off and clear my mind to think... the answer is 'I don't know'.

I guess its because she's not the type of girl I really wanted as my wife. Her attitude is quite rough while I wanted a really gentle and cute girl. She is not romantic while I wanted a partner who loves the small and special things I do, just for her. YL... I think she should find someone who loves her more than I do. It will not benefit me or her if we were together, thus I should just forget this dream and be a bachelor for life... or until I am fit to love.

My mindset now is still too young... too naive. No it is not affected by the environment I'm in but it's just my natural characteristics. Somehow I like being 'nice', although most of the time I will be used or bullied by others. But sometimes the stress is too great for me to bear, and I will turn evil... but mostly in my thinking or talking but I do not make any movement for revenge or pay back. Yeah, I'm weak and a coward... why do I let people trample over me yet I do nothing to stop them? Maybe it's because I look myself down too much that helping those 'evil' people seems like a responsibility to me. Stupid and foolish... that's me, haha...

21/5/2011

I feel more and more tired of life. Again I'm having the same problem of finding a teammate for my assignment. &#)*&)*$! I know I am not weak but my communication skills must really sucks until no one wants me in their group. What I hated most is some bitches who only think about themselves but never think how I will feel when they took away my group member, leaving me alone. It's the f**king YC, MC's good friend. It's not the first time she did it, yet I forgive her and even help her pass her car sticker form that day. I should have throw her paper away so she can't apply for a car sticker this sem... that selfish pig!

All are selfish... only 2 person or 3 really treated me as a friend in the whole class. Yes, when they ask for your help they will smile and talk with you nicely. But when it comes to you needing their help, they quickly dodge you faster than a speeding bullet. Wow... humans are pathetic sometimes. I hope one day all the selfish ppl in the world will die of a disease or an act of God, even if it includes me. I don't want to see the world continue being tainted and effecting our future generations... DIE, SCUMS!!!

Fri night yamcha... the last one I will be driving due to intern

Ah... so today (Friday) was finally the last day in FNM. There are ups and downs in FNM... but more downs than ups. But I am very grateful for the nice supervisor who treated me to eat and drink a lot of times, although she was a bit TOO straight-forward and mean when talking. The 2 more colleague I worked with was at first really nice... but then somehow they started to neglect me or treated me bad. Maybe it's me or something I did... but sad to see the last good memory turned bad.

I treated then KFC (worth RM40) and Puan treated us with a lot of jambu and air jambu, which tasted like apple juice... nice! Tuan Haji was somehow 'forced' by Puan to treat us Secret Recipe cake, which himself could not eat because of old sickness... poor Tuan. But we ate until full and were happy. Mission accomplished!

Then I went to EM to find the two D's. David was 'persuaded' to buy a box, and the contents was not bad... can cover back. Daniel will buy one box too, later. I did not buy any box or boosters, just single cards. Then went back to FNM late. Luckily was able to pass back my card key then leave FNM for good... I doubt I will have a future there later. Sad...

After that me, the fool, sms YL to ask if she wanted to yamcha. She said yes. So AGAIN I stupidly drive all the way there with Daniel to her house, waited for CM, go to Station 1 in Taipan and yamcha. The conversation was good... but somehow bad too. In the end I felt more 'hatred' than love for YL. Maybe because I was mad at her... but thinking it over again, is she REALLY the one I love and will marry in the future? I don't want to do the same mistake as somebody, thus must open my eye BIG BIG before choosing. I think it's good that I finally 'hate' her and dont see her as my future lover... haha.

Soon I will be busy with studies and won't have time to think about her anymore. Come to think of it, studies DO eat more of my time than working... else why don't I think of YL when I'm studying but always, when I am doing my interns!? Facts... I believe in facts and proofs!

Feeling down

Tomorrow is the last day of my intern in FNM. I will miss FNM... the nice people (some)... the slacking... the new stuff to learn... and most of all, the freedom. Now that I don't work there anymore, my parents will sure complain everytime I go to PJ area, cause my place is too far from there and waste a lot of petrol. It is not nice to hear them complain not enough money once, and if they keep repeating it everytime I go out, it would be worse. Mom just now also called, and told me not to 'belanja' my collegues so much food tomorrow because it is last day... again say no money, sigh! Feeling so down because of that... argh!

It's not I want to blame anyone but... becoming a human is so hard. Sometimes I wish I am 'nothing'... no need to think and feel... no need to suffer and become sad. If I suddenly become rich, all of these will dissapear. I can start a small cafeteria and enjoy my life there. If my friends are free, they could come and visit me and I will buy them drinks... haha. No luxury without sufferings, huh? Just dreaming... XD

I am already confused now... what more when I have a gf? It will become worst! Lucky I'm still single now... but I hope to see YL (who just came back from Bangkok today) this weekend~! ^^

Yet another educational yamcha

Today was pre-release in the morning... we rushed to EM because we were late after sending aunt to work. Luckily reached and haven't started. But then found out that David put our lucky draw into box D, which is 36 boosters but only drew it on the last round of the last day! SO I asked the Malay guy to help us get it IF we kena... dunno if he can be trusted or not but it is our last hope. Please kena! Haha...

Then we ate. David was the luckiest, with 3 mystic rare which exceeds the RM70 he paid for the pre-release. Lucky Devil him~! I only got one expensive card while my bro's card was worst. Me and David won 3 while my bro won only 2. Daniel came for a while to join us for dinner and then went to see her gf.

After reaching home, my bro went out. I later fetch my aunt and bring her to the clinic for a check up. Then we ate and I sent her back. After changing clothes I straight head over to Jimmy's house because I was late. Mana tau I reached, he not yet reach... waste my petrol speeding only >.>

Followed his car to a new yamcha place... forgot the name liao. With only me, SG, Jimmy and WC, we went for Coffee Bean and yamcha while chatting on various topics. There was a part when Jimmy asked me if I was still in love with YL. I said yes, and this 'feeling' is hard to disappear unless 1)she is married or 2)I am married. He said I could make it go away if I wanted to, but believe me... I tried and tried, so many times. You can see the whole process in my blog if you don't believe it, haha...

But it always come back to her... my heart just couldn't let her go. Maybe the love is too strong... maybe I am a lovefool... maybe I am cursed like this for a long long time..... Whatever the reason, believe me... I just want to love her from far away. I will not think any further as I know I am not worthy nor does she love me. But love is like that... sometimes it is enough just to see her happy... cause it makes me happy too.

It was an enjoyable yamcha... although there was time when it hurts talking about YL (yes, the pain is inside the heart only, you can't see it from outside, only I can feel it myself... haha). Mr. CS that I hate was also there... but I seldom look at him and never greeted him at all. Heard that he recently break up with his long gf (but I bet I love YL longer than she love her gf... only difference is mine is unsuccessful but he is, haha), which is a sad thing because break ups are never good. He must be hiding the pain real good cause he don't look like a person who is heartbroken at all. Oh well... some ppl are strong in handling these rejections... I know I'm NOT.

Finally it was time to leave (we were shooed away by the security ppl). Strangely Jimmy and WC asked me to send WC home. Aik... isn't that Jimmy's job? lol... But she said it was near, so ok, fine with me. She paid all the toll to her house but the journey is NOT near at all, lol. Used a lot of my fuel, ouch~ I don't want to complain but I need to cause I only got a limited amount of fuel money per week. Anymore then I need to use my pocket money to cover it up, which is also very limited, haha... I guess once or twice per month is ok, cause I know it is hard for them to yamcha that far away from their home too. I get to know how to go to Wingc's place, roughly. As long as everyone is happy, I am happy... XD

YL... I am still missing her since meeting her yesterday. Need to focus on my work and forget her... Yosh~!!! ~The End~