Long time absence

Wow... in a flash of an eye, it has already been 2 months plus that I didn't update my blog. Busy is the only word I can use to describe it. So SO soooooo busy with assignments until hardly have any time for games, not to mention yamcha with YL them. Yeah, I miss them, but what can I do? Some more cannot always drive there as I no more working as intern, parents start scolding liao. Sigh...

Life has not been easy for me these past 2 months. Friends are tested... non remain true until the end. I got a small group of friends, consisting of 4 of us... but the bond is so fragile, I feel it could be swept away whenever I do a 'mistake'. Very sad, but no choice... I must see this finish till the end.

I feel weak, depressed and tension. The kns lecturer keep giving me pressure... one time he wants this and suddenly he wants that. I am afraid that I will fail my FYP because of that sucker. Sigh... I hope I can pass and not waste another year doing nothing. Fu*k HIM!!!

Games... I indulge in it to make myself forget all the misery of this world. If not for games, I would have gone psycho a long time ago. No love, no true friends, my mind keep thinking of negative stuffs... maybe loneliness has really taken its toll on me. How long more can I stand it, I wonder? No... I must go on. For my parents... for myself!

Feeling sleepy, to be continue...

Busy, busy...

Argh... getting busier and busier d. What to do, second last sem... preparing for FYP which is next sem. Then going to work d... so busy until no time for HoN, haiz~

So how's my life so far? Well... so busy that there's hardly time to think about love, that's for sure. Last week didn't go for yamcha as Daniel was busy and I was broke, due to the damn car no petrol and stop in the middle of the road for TWO times in a week, f**k!

Do I miss YL? A little bit yes, a little bit no. Luckily I am surrounded by my course mates which cures my loneliness and shift my attention to somewhere else, lol. Although there are young and definitely would not become my gf, I am very blessed to have them as my friends nevertheless. Loneliness... it's become a part of my life already, haha.

Magic is very hot now... with commander set just released and M12 coming, definitely I will go broke but happy with the new cards. What's the use of money when you are not happy, right? Besides, I don't have to support any gf which is really a blessing in disguise for a student like me, wakakaka... Laters~!

Port Dickson trip

Last Sat went to PD for 2 days, 1 night. Sum and her gf should actually followed but due to miscommunication with Daniel, he cancel. So in the end 2 cars were drove there, including CMing's car. The people went were me, Daniel, his gf CY, Andrew, CMing, Jimmy and WC. On the way there we were stuck in terrible traffic due to public holiday + school holiday.

As soon as we reached there we straight went for lunch as it were nearly 3pm then. Jimmy them also came when they realized we were there cause they were in the apartment waiting for us lunch too (I thought they ate d, haha). It was nice but a bit expensive (call seafood).

Then we went back into the apartment, load off and get ready for the beach. It was quite hot so we delayed it until 5pm++. When we reached, it was already high tide... so we only took some pics and have a walk on the seaside.

Dinner, seafood again. The food was nice but super expensive (for me only cause I am the only one not working). Damn... looks like I can't go out more often with them in the future unless I started work cause the budget is killing me. I honestly rather save money than eat like a king, haha...

Then back at the apartment, rest for a while. Some went for a swim while some took turns to bath. After all were ready, it was already too late to go out (cause we also watched Anaconda until the movie was finished at 12am). Jimmy, CY and WC slept while the rest of us went out for a midnight yamcha and snack, before going back and sleep.

Sunday morning, I was amazed that they woke up early, cause last night I asked who wanted to go to the beach early morning but no one wanted too. In the end we went out for breakfast, come back and then get ready for the beach. 8am+ woke up for breakfast, 10am+ went for beach.

Because it was late, so most spots were already filled with ppl. So we have to manage with 1 of the okok beach only (no parking). Had fun there and took some pics.

Then went back to apartment, bath, pack and get ready to leave. RM280 for a night of 3 so-so rooms... okla. The food we ate were killing me more than the money for accommodation. We left and went to buy for ayam panggang, which we waited for a long time to buy (the boss was so good that he belanja me n Andrew a drink while we were waiting, nice!). Then went to fetch Daniel's cousin (girl, forgot her name) who were taking intern there. Went to a beach and eat chicken there.

Then send her back and we went for the famous Seremban siew pau empayer that me, WC, Jimmy and SG went on our last vacation in Malacca. We ate another time there, but luckily no seafood so not so expensive but the food was still awesome. Then bought some biscuits and siew pau before we parted our ways home.

I followed them back to Daniel's home, took CY's stuff and followed him to send CY back (without Andrew). Then yamcha with CM and YL. Went back feeling dead tired and a little sunburned. The whole trip was fun, except the money part. Luckily Daniel belanja the petrol and Andrew belanja the toll, else more pain. Their next trip to PD will be even more expensive, so I doubt I will be following them then. Oh well... student ma~! ><

Problems getting solved, heart getting less frustrated...

Ah... this week has been quite a good week for me. First of my assignment which cannot find group members because of the b***h YC paid off when Bernard, my lecturer, actually remembers me well and is a understand person. When I asked him if I could make my group into 7 person (actually 6 is max), he thinks about it and then said 'err... okla, but the workload must be sufficient for 7 ppl). Yay! Then I tell my friend to tell YC, which she shows 'bad' face of not happy... which makes me even more happy! Wakakaka... In your face B***H!!! Steal my group member and still not happy when I join back with them, you are such a selfish pig you damn a**hole!

Then for my FYP, I suddenly have no members because they guy I should team with suddenly jump ship and wanted to do webpage design with my other group member. This time I did not feel angry nor wanted to jump ship with him because webpage is totally not my call... and he is more buddy with the other guy, so I understand if he joins him more than he joins me. So being solo, I thought of doing animation, cult animation, for my FYP. When I presented my idea to the lecturer, he was impressed and asked me to go along with it. But he warns me I need to make a creative character and storyline to sell the idea well, then I may even sell it later when I'm in the working world... wow, cool! haha XD

Two good news... I could not ask anything more. YL did not reply me in my FB that day... thus it must be unimportant for her to pm me in the first place. This semester I maybe too busy to even think of her anymore... a good thing I suppose. Time... all I need is time. ~END~

Her, again...

Yesterday watched Bones, the series drama. There was one part where a guy who sees the person he loves being with another guy... who admits to them he has already long forgotten her... but deep inside, he still loves her and just cant let her go. So he went to see a psychiatrist, and ask for a solution. When he did, I immediately wanted the answer too... cause I was totally like the guy, wanting to forget YL but just can't. Unfortunately, there is NO remedy or solution.

The psychiatrist only suggested 'time'... which I already know is the ONLY answer to my problem too... Sigh~! Then I went to sleep early for today's class. When I woke up, I saw a pm from her, which is from last night in FB... har!? I was shocked, but I replied 'Yes?'... but she was offline already. Then my mind goes all crazy again, thinking what is it she wants me for... which I know is maybe 'nothing' at all. To make matters worse, she post up some pics of her on FB of her vacation in Bangkok. How could I forget her if I keep clicking open to see the pics? Argh~!

Busy... I must keep myself busy and forget her. Time will heal... Time Must Heal... Time DEFINITELY will HEAL!!!

One more weekend full of Q&A

Yesterday I thought of going to yamcha with Daniel as it has been a routine for our gang to yamcha every Sat, but he said he was sick. Then suddenly he called up and said he was on the way to find his gf, which is more sick than he is. Why don't wait for me!? Then I don't need to waste my petrol going to USJ so far, which then lead me to 'kena' from my parents for driving so far just to yamcha. Sigh... maybe he was desperado and speedy Gonzales, haha...

Raining freaking heavy, I drove to Murni and ate with WingC and Jimmy. They suddenly tell me the bad news in which YL will be super late and may even cancel coming as she's on the way from Bukit Tinggi (French Village that place). I don't mind actually, but it kinda sucks coming so damn far just for a dinner, haha... While we are eating suddenly KH called Jimmy and said he was at Taipan already. So the yamcha is still on, and we went there.

KH still behaves like the KH I know, just that less 'tuut' me on stuffs which I REALLY don't like to hear, even if it was meant as a joke. So that's considered an improvement that I can accept, haha... As we were talking and playing with the IPad & IPad2, YL called and said she was coming. I don't mind if she comes or not, but more is always merrier, haha...

Then when she comes, dressing all pretty like that (maybe because a guy she fancied was also with her to BT), my heart skips a beat. WTF!? I told myself not to love her anymore and here my heart feels all squishy again... argh! Time... I need more time and avoid seeing her, then I will be cured... maybe, haha. She sounds happy when we teased her a 'special' person went to BT with her. My brain is saying 'yes, good for her!' but my heart feels a 'sting' when her face looks happy by it... Argh, FML~!

Anyway, we were discussing a lot of stuffs... and there was a part which involved me, on the topic of being too 'honest' again. Yeah, I realized being too honest sometimes hurt ppl too... which I didn't really noticed until people told me that. Cause honest is the best policy~! For me at least, haha... Taking their advice into consideration, I think I should sometimes hide the truth... just for the better between me and the person I talk to, in the future. But still I will be as honest as possible, cause honesty is my middle name~! Wakaka... -_-;

Tomorrow starts school again... and I need to find a lecturer to request if my group can exceed by 1 person or not... else I will be groupless, again. F**K IT, I hate moments like this the most!!! FML...

Love partner

Last weekend I went to Darren's wedding in Jalan Imbi with my bro, the two D's, Sum and his gf, WL, Dioz, Edmund and Wee. It was a happy and fun day. The food was ok... some quite bad because of the flour they used.

What kept me thinking is... am I ready to love? Yes, its been a long time since I loved YL... but if someday if I were really to have the option to woo her, will I do it? At first I would definitely said yes... but now, when I really took some time off and clear my mind to think... the answer is 'I don't know'.

I guess its because she's not the type of girl I really wanted as my wife. Her attitude is quite rough while I wanted a really gentle and cute girl. She is not romantic while I wanted a partner who loves the small and special things I do, just for her. YL... I think she should find someone who loves her more than I do. It will not benefit me or her if we were together, thus I should just forget this dream and be a bachelor for life... or until I am fit to love.

My mindset now is still too young... too naive. No it is not affected by the environment I'm in but it's just my natural characteristics. Somehow I like being 'nice', although most of the time I will be used or bullied by others. But sometimes the stress is too great for me to bear, and I will turn evil... but mostly in my thinking or talking but I do not make any movement for revenge or pay back. Yeah, I'm weak and a coward... why do I let people trample over me yet I do nothing to stop them? Maybe it's because I look myself down too much that helping those 'evil' people seems like a responsibility to me. Stupid and foolish... that's me, haha...

21/5/2011

I feel more and more tired of life. Again I'm having the same problem of finding a teammate for my assignment. &#)*&)*$! I know I am not weak but my communication skills must really sucks until no one wants me in their group. What I hated most is some bitches who only think about themselves but never think how I will feel when they took away my group member, leaving me alone. It's the f**king YC, MC's good friend. It's not the first time she did it, yet I forgive her and even help her pass her car sticker form that day. I should have throw her paper away so she can't apply for a car sticker this sem... that selfish pig!

All are selfish... only 2 person or 3 really treated me as a friend in the whole class. Yes, when they ask for your help they will smile and talk with you nicely. But when it comes to you needing their help, they quickly dodge you faster than a speeding bullet. Wow... humans are pathetic sometimes. I hope one day all the selfish ppl in the world will die of a disease or an act of God, even if it includes me. I don't want to see the world continue being tainted and effecting our future generations... DIE, SCUMS!!!

Fri night yamcha... the last one I will be driving due to intern

Ah... so today (Friday) was finally the last day in FNM. There are ups and downs in FNM... but more downs than ups. But I am very grateful for the nice supervisor who treated me to eat and drink a lot of times, although she was a bit TOO straight-forward and mean when talking. The 2 more colleague I worked with was at first really nice... but then somehow they started to neglect me or treated me bad. Maybe it's me or something I did... but sad to see the last good memory turned bad.

I treated then KFC (worth RM40) and Puan treated us with a lot of jambu and air jambu, which tasted like apple juice... nice! Tuan Haji was somehow 'forced' by Puan to treat us Secret Recipe cake, which himself could not eat because of old sickness... poor Tuan. But we ate until full and were happy. Mission accomplished!

Then I went to EM to find the two D's. David was 'persuaded' to buy a box, and the contents was not bad... can cover back. Daniel will buy one box too, later. I did not buy any box or boosters, just single cards. Then went back to FNM late. Luckily was able to pass back my card key then leave FNM for good... I doubt I will have a future there later. Sad...

After that me, the fool, sms YL to ask if she wanted to yamcha. She said yes. So AGAIN I stupidly drive all the way there with Daniel to her house, waited for CM, go to Station 1 in Taipan and yamcha. The conversation was good... but somehow bad too. In the end I felt more 'hatred' than love for YL. Maybe because I was mad at her... but thinking it over again, is she REALLY the one I love and will marry in the future? I don't want to do the same mistake as somebody, thus must open my eye BIG BIG before choosing. I think it's good that I finally 'hate' her and dont see her as my future lover... haha.

Soon I will be busy with studies and won't have time to think about her anymore. Come to think of it, studies DO eat more of my time than working... else why don't I think of YL when I'm studying but always, when I am doing my interns!? Facts... I believe in facts and proofs!

Feeling down

Tomorrow is the last day of my intern in FNM. I will miss FNM... the nice people (some)... the slacking... the new stuff to learn... and most of all, the freedom. Now that I don't work there anymore, my parents will sure complain everytime I go to PJ area, cause my place is too far from there and waste a lot of petrol. It is not nice to hear them complain not enough money once, and if they keep repeating it everytime I go out, it would be worse. Mom just now also called, and told me not to 'belanja' my collegues so much food tomorrow because it is last day... again say no money, sigh! Feeling so down because of that... argh!

It's not I want to blame anyone but... becoming a human is so hard. Sometimes I wish I am 'nothing'... no need to think and feel... no need to suffer and become sad. If I suddenly become rich, all of these will dissapear. I can start a small cafeteria and enjoy my life there. If my friends are free, they could come and visit me and I will buy them drinks... haha. No luxury without sufferings, huh? Just dreaming... XD

I am already confused now... what more when I have a gf? It will become worst! Lucky I'm still single now... but I hope to see YL (who just came back from Bangkok today) this weekend~! ^^

Yet another educational yamcha

Today was pre-release in the morning... we rushed to EM because we were late after sending aunt to work. Luckily reached and haven't started. But then found out that David put our lucky draw into box D, which is 36 boosters but only drew it on the last round of the last day! SO I asked the Malay guy to help us get it IF we kena... dunno if he can be trusted or not but it is our last hope. Please kena! Haha...

Then we ate. David was the luckiest, with 3 mystic rare which exceeds the RM70 he paid for the pre-release. Lucky Devil him~! I only got one expensive card while my bro's card was worst. Me and David won 3 while my bro won only 2. Daniel came for a while to join us for dinner and then went to see her gf.

After reaching home, my bro went out. I later fetch my aunt and bring her to the clinic for a check up. Then we ate and I sent her back. After changing clothes I straight head over to Jimmy's house because I was late. Mana tau I reached, he not yet reach... waste my petrol speeding only >.>

Followed his car to a new yamcha place... forgot the name liao. With only me, SG, Jimmy and WC, we went for Coffee Bean and yamcha while chatting on various topics. There was a part when Jimmy asked me if I was still in love with YL. I said yes, and this 'feeling' is hard to disappear unless 1)she is married or 2)I am married. He said I could make it go away if I wanted to, but believe me... I tried and tried, so many times. You can see the whole process in my blog if you don't believe it, haha...

But it always come back to her... my heart just couldn't let her go. Maybe the love is too strong... maybe I am a lovefool... maybe I am cursed like this for a long long time..... Whatever the reason, believe me... I just want to love her from far away. I will not think any further as I know I am not worthy nor does she love me. But love is like that... sometimes it is enough just to see her happy... cause it makes me happy too.

It was an enjoyable yamcha... although there was time when it hurts talking about YL (yes, the pain is inside the heart only, you can't see it from outside, only I can feel it myself... haha). Mr. CS that I hate was also there... but I seldom look at him and never greeted him at all. Heard that he recently break up with his long gf (but I bet I love YL longer than she love her gf... only difference is mine is unsuccessful but he is, haha), which is a sad thing because break ups are never good. He must be hiding the pain real good cause he don't look like a person who is heartbroken at all. Oh well... some ppl are strong in handling these rejections... I know I'm NOT.

Finally it was time to leave (we were shooed away by the security ppl). Strangely Jimmy and WC asked me to send WC home. Aik... isn't that Jimmy's job? lol... But she said it was near, so ok, fine with me. She paid all the toll to her house but the journey is NOT near at all, lol. Used a lot of my fuel, ouch~ I don't want to complain but I need to cause I only got a limited amount of fuel money per week. Anymore then I need to use my pocket money to cover it up, which is also very limited, haha... I guess once or twice per month is ok, cause I know it is hard for them to yamcha that far away from their home too. I get to know how to go to Wingc's place, roughly. As long as everyone is happy, I am happy... XD

YL... I am still missing her since meeting her yesterday. Need to focus on my work and forget her... Yosh~!!! ~The End~

No matter what

No matter how I tried, no matter how long or where... I still could not forget YL. Argh...! Yesterday was my first FNM in EM. While playing, suddenly YL called. I accepted the call normally, but deep inside I was very happy. Listening to her voice on the phone was so rare, as though I could only here her voice in the noisy room... I was even happier when she asked me if I want to yamcha with them later. Earlier I actually told WL that we are going to meet him after Magic, but when she asked me... I totally forget and said 'YES', haha. My words didn't say it out but my heart was yearning to see her every week. Shhhh~! ><''

As we talk, I keep looking at her and her beautiful eyes... last time I was too shy to even look at her eyes, honest! But now I have the courage to look into her eyes and talk to her. Why? Maybe because deep inside I know, this girl I loved so much for so long will soon fall into the hand of another... if I don't admire it now, I may never be able to in the future... when she found her other half. Yeah, she didn't comb her hair, it was a bit messy but I still love her as much, lol...

Ah... but I also saw another good quote from Jess's blog, or whatever they call it... It says something like this: "Although I love you very much, it is better if we keep our distance and remain as friends". So sad... yet describe my situation perfectly. She deserve a better man, and I am very happy and grateful just able to see her every week, even though I am not the one.....

She have to stop making jokes to me...! My heart skipped a beat when she said "I am old already... If I don't make a move now and no one wants me later, you want me ah?". Inside my heart, I wanted to say "YES, 100% I will!" but instead I said "Won't one la... don't worry. Love cannot be rushed". Sad right? Haha... ~To be continued?~