A random post Vol.1

What am I doing? Why am I lost?... What is the purpose of my existence? What do I long for?... Is it a fact or an illusion? To what extend will I sacrifice for it?... Is it worth it? Am I worthy of it?

So many questions sometimes pop in my mind. I guess being lonely has its downs after all, not that I didn't realized it a long time ago... But to cope with it is a challenge. To endure it is a test of wits. To surpass it is a long, long way from home...

Numb, soulless and chaotic... I walk along the path of life, not knowing what will come, not expecting what must be done. In illusions I drown myself to feel better, in pain I endure man's life. Sometimes I feel ready to be gone, sometimes I feel there is much I must do, before I am...

Too weak to struggle, too big to survive. Will I be a man, or a speck of dust in this world called earth?... I am not without feelings nor brains, yet I see nothing shining brightly in the tunnel of life. I am grateful of my surroundings but my heart yearns more... Is more better, or far worse?

Let it be, said the wise one. So let it be, I shall... I will work my way while letting fate takes it course. Will I live long enough to see it happens? I hope I will... because my heart is beating, my mind is wondering. Slowly but surely, only for her...........

By,

Ichitaka

I thought of writing a "letter" to YL here... I even drafted the letter in the office on what I wanted to say, yesterday (cause there was NOTHING to do in the office). But I changed my mind. Why you ask? Cause first, I know YL won't read it. Second, it's a waste of time writing it. It will only look sucky, emo and well... stupid too, lol.

Since life is about learning from stupid mistakes, I might as well write down some of what I intended to write in the letter. I wanted to first tell her how I first started to fell in love with her when we first met each other in college. It wasn't a made up story, but in my heart that time, I really felt happy, just the two of us... relaxing and talking in yum yum park. And it was also the truth when I had an instinct then that I know that it will not last, and you will sure leave me soon... and it did.

Heartbroken, envious, mad and sad because you were in love with 'ah fai', I swifted my emotions when ylin become nice to me. And it ended in a tragedy too... it was also my first time to shed tears for a girl cause I put all my soul into it and thinking "this is the one".

After years, I finally forgotten ylin... but my heart was still with you. Yes it usually goes up and down, like the tides of tsunami (means rarely super high, usually down), but I REALLY cannot shake the feeling off. I drown myself in games, food, studies, friends... but whenever I saw you or have any free time of my mind, the feeling keeps haunting me again...!

I'm writing this not ask you to love me... just to voice out what I hid inside all this years. I REALLY want you to find a better guy than me and get married, because I know I will never be qualified to be with you... not to say I have no self confidence but since I am still studying, I know where I stand. 10 years, and I still can't forget you... what a sucker right? haha~

Last words: If you ever feel down or when I am gone, just know that there was once a guy who loved you for over 10 years, secretly but truthfully in the shadows and he did for a long, long, long time.....

Work life

So this is what work life feels like... I felt it once doing my intern last time, but have already thrown the bad past away thus forgetting it. Now living afresh, I can feel the meaning of 'working' again...

How does it feel doing intern in FNM but not getting paid? Good... maybe not the best, but I can say here is way better than when I am doing intern as a graphic designer in that stupid company in Cheras. Although 90% is Malay, that doesn't stop me from knowing new friends. I am quite happy studying while working in FNM, and hope I can work here one day, haha... XD

Getting less time for games and need to sleep early every night to prevent myself from feeling sleepy in the office. One good thing about working is I am too busy to think about love related stuffs. Wait... is that a good thing or a bad one? lol...

CNY has passed, and I wonder if YL have gotten a bf since that day she went for the other group of friends than ours. Useless to think about it, but you know I can't control myself when it comes to her, haha... Must try self hypnosis to myself one day! >.<

Hope by the end of the intern I really can become a successful director... or at least someone who can make good films, one way or another. I want to be different... not weird like Daniel, but different in a good way... cause non of my friends are involved in this field! Must be because of the crazy working hours or low pay? Hmm...

First day of internship in FNM

Yah, now I am blogging in Filem Negara Malaysia. This time must do private browsing, in case this 'secret' blog is discovered, haha...

2 days ago was the best day for this year. Had a bunch of joy and happiness with my old TARC friends. Although YL didn't go, Daniel also didn't go, it was still full of fun and laughter all the way... Heard YL dressed up very prettily for a gathering with her colleagues. Why she doesn't do like that for our group, I wonder...?

Looking back at some old post and pictures make me feel what a fool I am last time... maybe still am, right now. I know I am not perfect to complain about other people's weaknesses... so I won't. So I will just say it out as a whole, as a general...

Today is Valentine's Day. It is a day where people go out to celebrate with their love ones. I don't have one, so I will save money and celebrate it alone at home... haha. Anyway, love has always been the issue of debate, talks, arguments and gossip. Some of my friends are getting more 'intimate' with their love ones, thus I now understand the phrase 'love changes a person'. Some of my friends are heartbroken or broke up with their pair, thus the phrase 'love is fragile'. Then there are people who are still single or just having fun without being comitted, and they looked highly to the phrase 'give me freedom or give me death!'. LOL... so I'm the last one, wakakaka...

I think I fall in love too easily... maybe cause I am lonely, or maybe because I am easily swerved by people of the opposite sex that treated me well. Whatever the reason, I will remain single until the day I have a fix income. Because with no money comes no love... It's a harsh fact of life used by the famous 'Weird Dan'. I also uses it because I know with the current pocket money, there is no way I can go out dating, haha...

Signing off now. Happy CNY and Valentines Day to all my readers. Ciaoz~! ^^

Commitment

Long time have I not write a post on s specific topic, and one I shall write, now...


Commitment... a strong word to some, a word of no meaning to others. What is commitment? Commitment can be of various forms, but now I am just concentrated to one. And that one is the commitment to the person you love (your life partner).


It's not easy being in love... and it's harder to maintain love. Love is a special feeling meant to be shared among two seperate individuals that found 'the other half' by coincidence... or by fate. Why must be cherished love? Because if the love is true, think of the possibilities of how you could find him/ her among millions of people in this world?! Not all are as lucky, and those who are... should be grateful.


But why are there still people who are not committed to love, even when they have found their true half? There's a lot of reasons... sometimes excuses... sometimes due to problems... but I am now talking about those who are just plain 'guilty'.


These 'guilty' people are not committed because they... just don't have enough time. They are busy working to earn a better living for all (including him/her self) until they forgot what is more important. Yes, this include you and me. You have time for clubbing, vacations, hobbbies and relaxation... but you don't have time for you love one? Excuses... lame excuses.


Another reason is because of 'feelings'. When you found your true love, will you ever get bored of him/ her? If you're still thinking of the answer rather than say 'NO!' instantly, then there's something wrong with your relationship. A true couple will not get bored of each other no matter how long or how frequently you see each other! Your 'other half' is not your parents nor your friends... Your other half is someone you wish to see every morning and night next to you, on your bed. You will feel happy when he/she is and vice versa, and he/she feels the same when you are down/ up. If this doesn't happen in your life... and would not happen till the day you die with that special person, then what's the point of marrying and till death till you part?


As I stated before... when you found your true love, the 'fire' or 'spark' will not die. It will keep on burning, and burns stronger as you live together. If there is no compromise... no commitment, then there is no real 'love'. Yes, it's love that could have lasted for months or years... but it's just 'love', not 'true love'.


So it all comes back to the root. You will not know it that person is your 'true love' until you have dated him/her and hang out for a couple of months, before marriage. If you feel he/she is not the one, then stop it before its too late. Don't make life more misery for him/her... and yourself, in the future. Think about it...

Updates Nov 2010

Lately feeling a lot of pressure from studies. First part, which field am I heading for my future...? After much consideration, I feel that making movies is my interest. Since I did quite well for my FYP (got an A and I was the Director) and I have interest in making video, so production is my choice. I gave the demo reel assignment to the lecturer and she recommended me 2 production companies, which is good compared to some others who didn't have any recommended companies as their demo reel wasn't concentrated in which field they are interested in. Poor MC...

Then there is another assignment this semester which is linked to my coming FYP. I need to find a partner which is in the same interest as me, but none interested in production. The ones who did are not closed to me and have their own partners in mind. So, another assignment I need to solo... and I sent the proposal to the lecturer. Lucky I'm not the only one, so I'm allowed to solo in this min 2 person assignment.

Last week just finished a presentation. It was a role-playing presentation, where I am the chairman and we are discussing about the production of a movie in a meeting. My group of 5, I was the only guy. They made the presentation fun (in one part I was singing Oh My God, rather than saying it out), which I scared was too un-serious for a presentation. But the teacher like it very much! Our group got the highest among the whole class as we were fun, grab attention from the audience as well as loud enough to be heard. I was the best too, as the teacher only gave me good commenta, none bad ones (all the others have at least one bad comment). And he said I was a good chairperson as I was in control of the meeting and loud enough to be heard. Yay! Happy la... cause so long no praised by teacher liao ^^

In the love department... LG is definitely going out with that new pro guy. Always see her with him, wherever she goes. Sad? A bit... but more towards happy. Happy cause I am not 'tied' to her anymore, after that bad incident... Whenever a girl I like is 'possessed' by another guy, my feelings for her will automatically die (100%). Now I wonder if the guy can stand her, cause she barely have any skills while he has all of it (means he will do a lot of assignment for her, no doubt, haha). Sucks being him I bet, lol... I see a little bit of me in him, where we are too kind until we can't say no to helping people. I see him helping a lot of people doing this and that assignment, until being used also dont know. Maybe he wants it that way? I donno... good luck to him anyway.

Here's hoping I will be a successful Director in the future! (now that I think of it, none of my friends or family are involved in productions except me... which makes me scared and proud at the same time, haha) CHEERS~! XD

Bad start of new semester

It's been 2 weeks since the new sem started... Last week was fun as me, my bro and my mom went for vacation in Genting. We have a lot of free rooms coupon to use, so we stayed for 3 days 2 night (can be another night but we decided to left around 6pm). Applied for the Genting card, got RM20 in my card to be used to play those jackpot machine for free. Overall learn a lot from the gambling scene in Genting... :x

But then disaster strike as soon as I come back down... opened the computer, play for some time, then suddenly it went *ka poot*. Cannot open back, keep making those beeping sound. Found out from Daniel should be graphic card problem (died). Sigh...

Then started college in a new environment, new class. A lot of friends are in the other class, which is a good and bad thing. When the going gets though, the though gets going... die also must go on! But sadness wraps the heart.

Bro also went to Penang for his practicals, 3 month will be back. Still with this incident, there are pros and cons (mostly pros, haha). Most significant is I dont need to worry much anymore (about his bad doings) XD

Love life... nothing much. Seem like LG really going out much with the new talented guy, maybe bf liao? Not my business, just feel a tiny weeny itsy bitsy envy, haha... YL on the other hand I missed more... especially when I saw her vacation pics on FB. Oh well, can't do much about it either.

Thinking about it as a whole, feels like being single has its good traits too. No responsibility to another... more time and money for myself, can do whatever I like without being nagged of one thing or another. Ya I know life will go on and eventually I need to find a life partner, but no rush needed, right? ^^

Now holiday!

Wow so long no update d, haha... finally free from all those assignments and exams. I think will get my first fail this sem, as the teacher even posted the answer on FB and I know I didn't do well. Oh well, at least pass assignments, if fail also need to repeat exam only. I hate assignments when you need to do it alone! ><

Love life have been dull these couple of days... A good sign maybe, since I know all my love is one sided, haha. The only time I miss her is when I saw her picture of face in FB. Cannot run, usually sure saw her picture de cause her sister using her account to play a FB game that I still play (RC). Miss only..... yes, just a missing feeling...

Have been active in the world of Magic lately. Not only does it use my mind power to create a good deck, it can really de-stress and make me forget all the worries of the world... just concentrate to eliminate your opponents! Actually I am easily troubled and worried about all the smallest things, for a long time... so being happy will make me think less.

Next sem worry again cause split class again. In one aspect I cannot see most of my friends... but in another I can meet and find new friends. Since I know I have no one really to team up with in the old class, maybe the new change will make it all better... I hope. Argh, don't want to think about it anymore... nothing can be done to change it. Just live my life the way I want, as good as I can!

Dead busy!

Assignments, assignments, assignments! So damn many freaking assignments that I hardly have any time for games... which is really bad!

Lately maybe influence by Daniel, had some dreams of dating YL. In the dream she is already my gf, lol... it was a nice dream, although not perfect. I am still wondering if we have any chance together... nah!

LG is still being cold at me, as usual. I don't really mind at first, cause I was mad at her too. But now I am starting to be a bit forgiving... yet she still behaves the same. Looking back at old photos on how we used to yamcha whenever we are free does make me feel a bit... sayang. Oh well, better late than never! (in knowing her real attitude)

W is totally out the picture... cause now I know my 'love' for her was actually a feeling of affection, when I was feeling lonely and down last time. After clearing up my mind, I discover she is not my type I would spend the rest of my life with, haha. So must think clearly before choosing a gf... cause I want 'her' to be my first, and my last (not anything in between).

Cant really say that this is a nice semester... cause I have to go solo on a two person project. Hopefully I can still find a group where I belong next semester, but it will be hard... since most people have their own 'groups' liao. For the first time I wish they will never be anymore group assignments... solo is best! No need care if the other members got do their job or not... people cannot 'leech' your marks if they do badly (or nothing!).



Sigh, where is the fun of college life!?! T_T

Life in college

Who says life in college is all about fun? Yes, it should be... better than the future and coming work life. But STILL... it's not that fun for me. Why? Cause I'm having problems communicating with the younger generations... BIG problem.

I still feel a bit 'pain' in my heart when I see LG with the new dude... But I tell myself, it is time to let her go. She is not mine to begin with... and why should I feel for a girl that treats me so cruel, after all the things I have sacrificed for her? Stupid me... never learn, sigh!

That day convo saw her eye to eye, then I look another way... I didn't take any picture with her too, sad.

Oh well... life is like that I guess ><

Lately...

Lately life in college has been busy. A lot of assignments, one of them involving finding a real client and make a website (for free) for then. The client is our choice but must be in the category of charity house. First time need to do these kind of stuffs, wow...

And since I am in a new semester, I don't have a partner that will always be with me when we do group assignments. Don't have a partner of 2, sometimes have a partner when in groups of 4-5. I wonder why is it this way? When I asked one of my best friends (girl), she told me it's not my fault but due to the age gap thingy. I was shocked... and sad. Shouldn't have told some of my friends my age back then... now it's too late to take it back, sigh!

No matter... if the tide comes, I shall swim against it! If there's a group of 2, I believe I can do it solo! Yes... that's the only choice I have, for now... T_T

On the news with LG... she still haven't un-ban me in FB. Either she didn't know how to do it (highly doubt so) or she still don't want to do it. I even got to know that she banned me in her MSN too, haha. Fine... if you don't want peace, I don't give a damn too. Don't say I didn't try though, haha...

No, I will not feel sad because of this. It's so normal for me that in college, she cease to exist in my world. I don't look at her anymore (unless she's in my line of sight) nor do I consider she's around even if she's standing beside me. 99% cured of LG, yay!!!

So busy even no time for magic... and with the World Cup on now, I'm only able to watch some of it (cause most of it is being aired on midnights). Nearly all of my classes starts at 8 or 9am too, sigh...!