Life is still sweet, not as dark as I thought it would be...

Ah... today I feel so relieved after lifting that one ton guilt in my heart. I did the most terrifying, ok... maybe only for me, thing there is... to tell my parents I failed my FYP and I need to wait another year to resit and graduate my Advanced Diploma.

It's my fault for trying to do the impossible... to do a hand animation entirely by myself, when I am still noob in drawing animation characters properly. I was very sad and my heart was so heavy, my head filled with ache... what can I do!? Nothing... I tried my best and in the end shoot with a machine gun by that bastard Aaron n even the damn Bern shoot at me, with silly questions like 'what did you learn all this while in multimedia?'... It was damn sarcastic and I was already shivering from doing presentation, so I just shoot whatever my mind can think while smiling to keep a positive attitude. Then the damn Aaron says I am not taking it seriously... F**K?! So what do you want me to do? Cry and beg for forgiveness in front of other students?!? I keep my head high, smiling... but deep inside the scars were deeper than the depths of Hell.

But now I feel so free... so happy, with no more worries or guilt. F**K them, I don't need to see them anymore... until next year. I will stay positive like what my parents want me to be. They encouraged me and say its alright, try again next year. I know they are sad cause I already wasted so much of my time studying, but I will start working next year. I must leave my nest and try to flap my wings into the dreaded world below. Even if I fail, at least I tried... I must.

Last Sunday was also a happy day because although I went to Submit, I did not join the tournament (my bro did and he lost). So I smsed YL and CMing if they want to come out for lunch or something, and they agreed. So the 3 of us had lunch and went for window shopping with YL... it was fun, cause I got to hang out with YL, ahhh :)

One of the happiest day of my life!

Today went for dinner and yamcha with Weng Foo (which just came back last month and see him 1st time today), SG, WingC and Jimmy. It was fun and enjoyable. Then we went to Desa Park City where CM and YL joined. Now why is today one of the most happiest day of my life? Because of:

1. On the way driving to find Jimmy, YL sms-ed me and say she could not come because CM not coming. At the end of the message she added a smiley face of :P.... OMG, first time she used smiley, I am so happy to see one in MY sms! XD

2. While we were talking I forgot what I asked her... I think I asked her 'why you don't bring you bf along' or something like that. She replied with a >< and :P... she took out her lips a little while closing her eyes like that... IT WAS SO CUTE! OMG... since when she start doing all these cute stuffs!?! And she do it to ME... I was so happy and feel honored. Maybe it is because she's in love, maybe its because she's starting to change... but she doing :P to me in real life really melts my heart in an instance, so happy to see it! XD

Ah... YL has changed so much since she has a bf. I dont know if the bf is really her first and last or not, but I wish her happiness... if its with the current bf, then let it be. Be happy Yee Ling... for me... and for CM who I knows also love you a lot. You deserve non other..... :)

Thoughts for her

How come I am thinking 'what if he is not suitable for her?'... when YL's current bf have been sending her to Klang every 3 times a week from her house, and that's nearly an hour drive! How come I am scared if she will be cheated by the man, when she is already old enough to think for herself? How come I am having all these thoughts, when she does not even think about me?!?

Haha... I guess this is what people call as 'finding useless trouble for your ownself'. Maybe I am still coping with the fact... maybe I just need more time to forget her totally. 11 years, I bet I could not take that long to love another girl next time before asking her to be my gf, haha... 11 years is a long long time to love another girl secretly... 11 years thinking of her, how much time needed to forget?

I wish I could just take out that piece of heart that yearns for her everyday and throw it away... I wish I could delete the memories and thoughts I have for her, then I will not suffer anymore... I wish I could be strong enough to go through the days without thinking of her which makes me crazy and lonely... thought I do not wish I never knew her in the first place.

Give me some time and I will forget her totally... yes, time is my only medicine... time will heal.

The day I feared for 11 years has finally arrive~

Just now went for yamcha with YL, EChing, Jimmy, WingC and CMing. I was happy caused it has been weeks of not able to see her and suddenly when I first see her today, I feel something different about her. She looked prettier... way prettier than normal. Is her make up skill so good now, or did she went for some exercise programs? I nearly couldn't recognize that beautiful girl, and later I knew why...

She break up the news to us that she is now officially coupled with a boy... so now she has a bf! The moment she said that it was like a thousand, no, millions of razor sharp blade went through my heart... and my heart died in an instant. But quickly I regained my consciousnesses and said 'Good la, I'm happy for you...' Haha, actually its half true.

I'm VERY sad because the girl I have secretly in love with for 11 years are now a couple with another guy I dont know. But actually another part of my heart feel relieved... because I know now that my heart can finally be put to rest, no need to wonder if she will accept me in the future or not... the hope will die and I will wish her happiness with her new found and first accepted bf...

I am so sad... tears cannot come out of my eyes. Yet I feel relieved and happy for her... if she did not have a bf, she would not be so happy today. She will not look so much cheerful and full of energy like today. She won't be the wonderfully beautiful YL that I saw, today...

I am still very happy when she thanked me for helping her Google some stuffs for her prom night thingy in the coffeebean of desa park city. I will forever remember this night... the night she told me that she has been accepted by another man... The night I wish her eternal happiness with her love one... The night that my heart finally died......

Stressed and lonely

As I wait here aimlessly in front of my computer for the arrival of my new LCD TV (yeah, finally changed my old 10++ year TV!), I start to think what am I doing with my life. Up until now I still feel pressured by the damn FYP because my supervisor ask me do this and when I present to a panel of lecturers, they rejected it. Mostly is my fault, cause now only I realized my storyboarding skill sucks... sigh!

Still hanging, dunno what to do... sms lecturer but no reply. I feel like giving up in this fyp... but its my last sem, I should finish it and start work... too old to still studying, sigh...! So to relieve myself from all this stress I turn to Magic... it can help me release tension, use some brain power and at the same time maybe profit from it. But all are too busy with their own work so I can't test my standard decks myself. Another dead end, sigh...!

So sien and tension I am that I have no time to think about love at all... unless somehow my mind wonders there again. YL... yeah, she can't seem to disappear from my mind no matter how hard I try. Then I read some quotes which fits me perfectly. It says 'You are not giving up in love but trying to move on' and 'I feel happy to love you from afar when I know I could not get your love'. It looks like I am not the only person in this situation, where I love her so much but people see me as silly to still cling on in this love. Ya, I know she won't love me but I just couldn't stop loving her from afar... it's too irresistible, the hope is undying, I feel happy whenever I think of her... you can say it's like a drug. A mind drug that makes me feel happy and sad... but the only feeling that I will never let go... the feeling of being alive.

I have a bad vibe that I will not able to graduate again, sigh... f**k it, let me end this misery now!

Damn him!

Ah... these few weeks have been good to me. All I can do is rest, hang out with my friends, relax... nothing to worry, nothing to stress about. I am shifting my gear into 'lazy mode' at full drive because I know the next last sem will be very hard, full of despair and hatred. And it's all because of that damn emo noob younger than me lecturer, curse him... curse him with all my hatred and pain~!

Nothing can be done now but wait... and think of new ideas. I have thought of making my fav trading card game as my FYP, but I doubt it will get approved because the lecturers want something more... something 'new'. FCUK them... are we doing OUR fyp or THEIRS?!? Why do our last fyp has to be in their criteria when what we are going to work in our future depends on it!? If they pick what we do as out FYP, it means we are going to work in that field too, because our last FYP portfolio is what we are going to show to our future boss!!! Damn fcuk up system... I will surely complain after I graduate. Lecturers are there to guide us, not to force us! Curse them... curse him!!!

Argh, dont care anymore... I will try my best, if fail then fail la. At least I got a reason and not being blame for stopping half way anymore. The tension and expectation from everyone on me is building up, and I am going to explode and die soon because of it... I'm really not as strong as I thought I would be, sigh...

Another outing, just the 4 of us

Wow, slept only nearly 5 hours, then quickly rush n drive to Jimmy's house yesterday. Yeah, I was later arriving his house, where I then parked my car and followed in his new car to fetch SG and WC. Our destination? To The Curve and karaoke~! XD

As usual, I sang my heart out with SG who chooses all English songs, my fav! Now they have unlimited flow of water, just that a bit mafan need to call them come in each time we need a refill. At RM16.50 for 3 hours singing and lunch, worthy la~! :)

Then have a tiring journey of walking here n there shopping for the girls, argh my legs! But it is always fun to accompany friends in doing activities, haha. Then we went to Murni for dinner. A bit expensive but worth the amount spent with the amount of food consumed. Chat more around until nearly 9pm and we start our journey home.

Had much good conversation with SG. Yeah, I agree that YL is not what u call the 'perfect' choice as a gf, nor will she be the best wife. She asked me if I still love her and I paused a while... then answered her 'slowly diminishing feelings'. Yeah, I'm mad at her for not joining us for Karaoke today. I'm even more mad at her for not joining us at Murni. Her reasons? None... but I already know her reasons is always only 1... "lazy/ no mood". Pft~!

Slowly I regain my senses... I think I love YL for so long is because she is the ONLY girl I see, without broadening my horizons to others. No I didn't say I want to woo SG, but there is a lot more nice girls out there like SG that I should search for, not clinging to a girl like YL that I know will totally make any man beg under her knees if they marry her, haha. Too rough, not my style. Goodbye YL, you are not my target anymore. I know the remaining feelings inside me will subside if you continue to be the arrogant, lazy and ignorant girl you are now. Which is the same attitude since I fell in love with you 9 years ago, sigh... I guess something never change, do they?

A weekend with friends

Last Thursday was my last exam, then I was finally free. Friday went to EM with Daniel, I drove. Was shocked and happy when I realized they installed a big LCD TV there, with X-Box 360 too! And Street Fighter was there... Omg, when can I play!? But no one was there, so I only played Magic with Daniel and opened some boosters.

Later a guy came, with his PS3! And he was playing SF too... ah, I want to play too! So after some rounds of Magic with Daniel, we stopped, he do his work and I tested SF... woot! At first I looked at them play and realized they are not so pro, which means they just mash up the button without real strategy. But having a closer look, they are quite good... so I asked them if I could play and they say ok. Sweet~!

Thus started my adrenaline... I beat the dude, and the 2nd, 3rd... a lot times, haha. I finally lost when I used some weaker characters like Vega. So I stopped and rest cause my hand is in pain because long time no touch controller liao. Played some Magic as David came. Then after too much Magic, I stopped again and went back for SF... Round 2!

This time I was serious. He (the owner of the PS3) is good, so I used my best characters. Started with Akuma and won around 12 rounds, then lost to his Sagat. Beat guys including 7 chai too, he was not bad, but I was better, haha... Then I look around and stop a while. Then took the control again, this time using Ken. Won another 7 rounds ++, nd lost to his Sagat again (after beating once). Ok enuf, only will lose to that guy with a 50% chance if we both use our best characters. But final before we go, I used Fei Long and completely pawn his Jun... wakaka XD

Daniel also got play and he won 1 round. But seing how keng that guy is (when he play serious), I told him better stop with 1 win, lol. It totally made my day, as I managed to pawn a lot of ppl in one of the earliest fighting game I ever played, when I was small. If I got PS3 at home, I will definately pawn that guy too, lol...

Then we went for dinner/yamcha at the mamak near YL's place. CMing was a bit late but nvm as we chow down our dinner 1st. When he did came, it was a let down as YL was not there. He got ask her come but she doesn't want too. I was a bit upset and mad at her, cause I came all the way there yet she still doesn't want to yamcha with us... what a letdown. But out yamcha session got interesting as we went into 'guy talk teritory' which is not possible if a girl was around, haha. So what if YL is not there? I still enjoyed my night there~!

The next day was another yamcha, this time I requested nearer as my parents don't like me travelling so far, 2 times in a roll some more. In the end it was Desa City Park, Kepong. I flew there with my car cause I was late, but only WingC and Jimmy was there when I arrived. Very late later, SG, CMing and YL came. It was strange... not because I was extremely happy because I saw YL, but I just felt 'normal' happy when I saw ALL of them came. YL wasn't in my world at all that night, haha...

We chat while drinking coffee bean. Then Daniel came, very late until the shop going to close d. So I proposed we have second round nearby, at that we did... in a mamak. Was suprised with Jimmy's new car too... nice white KIA car, looks like a luxury car but cost around RM80k+ only. Ok, its quite exp also la, haha. At the mamak we continue on with our chat. That night they got talk about their trip to Hanoi, we discussed on the coming Jimmy marriage and Choy Yen's wedding next month, and etc. It was nice, and it ended around 2.

I flew back, and luckily did not caught by speed traps as there were police road blocks, fuh~! Joined the Magic gang in Choice a while (so did Daniel) then went back home, happy and contended.

YL... seeing her has no reaction with me, I also did not have any reaction towards her. Maybe I slowly realized YL is really no queen, no fair maiden... not my perfect choice as my soul partner. She is just too 'carefree'... its ok, but not with the person you love. Looking at how she doesn't give a positive feedback to me, I don't feel any spark with her anymore = goodbye YL. I should not care or mind, cause she doesn't love me in the first place too! *Facepalm*

Ok wrote too much, nite~!

Long time absence part 2

Wow... after reading, I realized I was really emo in my last post, lol. Maybe it's what I have been keeping inside and not letting it go for a long time. Stress... everyone have it, and I released it here (games only help me soften it). Here goes part 2~!

Girls... actually I don't really miss anyone when I am busy, no time to think of love. This Monday I started to be free again. So I asked 'D' how was YL, since he sometimes find them for yamcha. He told me a story where YL saw a man from behind while they were yamcha-ing, and thought it was me. o.O'' I was stunned a little. One part I was happy because she 'somehow' thought it was me... another part was me scolding myself again, saying 'Hey, don't get any bright ideas here buster!'. It was a short lived happiness, but I know it meant nothing... and down to earth I fell, again.

YL... I think 50% of all my post in this blog are related to her, lol. I know I couldn't get her yet I still cling into that tiny winy hope that I could. I wish her to find a good boyfriend asap but I know that day will then be the saddest day in my life. I say I don't miss her but everyday I think of her. Yup, still sick... Oh well, I have been sick all these while, might as well get sick till I die? Haha...

Old news... like what I said, finish study and work. No money to love, no ability to love. G'nite YL, sorry I couldn't celebrate your bday (past)~

Long time absence

Wow... in a flash of an eye, it has already been 2 months plus that I didn't update my blog. Busy is the only word I can use to describe it. So SO soooooo busy with assignments until hardly have any time for games, not to mention yamcha with YL them. Yeah, I miss them, but what can I do? Some more cannot always drive there as I no more working as intern, parents start scolding liao. Sigh...

Life has not been easy for me these past 2 months. Friends are tested... non remain true until the end. I got a small group of friends, consisting of 4 of us... but the bond is so fragile, I feel it could be swept away whenever I do a 'mistake'. Very sad, but no choice... I must see this finish till the end.

I feel weak, depressed and tension. The kns lecturer keep giving me pressure... one time he wants this and suddenly he wants that. I am afraid that I will fail my FYP because of that sucker. Sigh... I hope I can pass and not waste another year doing nothing. Fu*k HIM!!!

Games... I indulge in it to make myself forget all the misery of this world. If not for games, I would have gone psycho a long time ago. No love, no true friends, my mind keep thinking of negative stuffs... maybe loneliness has really taken its toll on me. How long more can I stand it, I wonder? No... I must go on. For my parents... for myself!

Feeling sleepy, to be continue...

Busy, busy...

Argh... getting busier and busier d. What to do, second last sem... preparing for FYP which is next sem. Then going to work d... so busy until no time for HoN, haiz~

So how's my life so far? Well... so busy that there's hardly time to think about love, that's for sure. Last week didn't go for yamcha as Daniel was busy and I was broke, due to the damn car no petrol and stop in the middle of the road for TWO times in a week, f**k!

Do I miss YL? A little bit yes, a little bit no. Luckily I am surrounded by my course mates which cures my loneliness and shift my attention to somewhere else, lol. Although there are young and definitely would not become my gf, I am very blessed to have them as my friends nevertheless. Loneliness... it's become a part of my life already, haha.

Magic is very hot now... with commander set just released and M12 coming, definitely I will go broke but happy with the new cards. What's the use of money when you are not happy, right? Besides, I don't have to support any gf which is really a blessing in disguise for a student like me, wakakaka... Laters~!