A memoriable David bday celebration

Woke up early morning, wore smartly as today is David's bday! To make it even more fun, LG maybe joining (2 weeks no go out with her liao)...! So went to school early to give thumb drive to Robin and ask him develop the pics for tomorrow's presentation. LG was there, so I asked if she confirm going or not... Looking like unsure, still she said ok, so I was happy... then.

After the last class, I realised my photography partner was sick, so I can't present the photography tomorrow. I can actually, but then it will be ME doing all the work, again. Sigh... see how la tomorrow. Anyway, after class I went to find Danny, who said he was in his car lending LG's laptop to use. Shocked, LG was in the van too. Just then David called and said he's on the way, so I told LG and she took her laptop back into the hostel first.

So I sit inside Danny's van, asking him what they talked about earlier. Looks like some of my ex-classmate who viewed my blog was betting 10 lollipops... to guess who I like, LG or W. WTF!?!? How the heck did they know!? Then some bet it was LG, but LG said there's no way I would like her, saying we are just friends. When Danny told me this, I was sad, but I know it has always been like that. LG soon came, but didn't even dressed for the occasion, saying 'cincailah'. I was disappointed, again...

We went to TBR to buy some stuff for our assignments. David arrived and of we go to Mid Valley after fetching her sis from church. But as we were nearer to our destination, LG keep getting calls... and I had a bad feeling. More and more of her society members are calling to push her into going for the gathering which she cancelled because she doesn't want to go for the buffet (becoming a vegetarian for 2 weeks).

I was getting irritated when she start asking me how to go back by LRT and stuff, if she wants to go back later after the dinner. I answered... but with a sad heart. After we reached Mid Valley and parked the car, she was getting even more nervous. She told David of her problem and when she knew our dinner would be so late, she decided to go back alone to her society friends, skipping our dinner.

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Yes, I was totally infuriated... hyper-mad and so sadly disappointed in her!!! It was bad enough to FFK me last minute, but now she's FFKing me when she is ALREADY THERE!!!! Without even asking if we mind and totally wanting to go meet her society friends which she didn't see for 3 months, she kept asking David how to go to Sg. Wang. Although I know the way, I told her once... and she like doesn't believe I'm right, keep asking David the way. Furious, I kept quiet the whole time... while walking up and down Mid Valley to find a way back for her.

Luckily there was David to be the 'middleman', else I really don't know what to do. A part of me was telling me to be a gentleman, forgive her, understand her and help her out... while another part of me was superb-ly in 'boiling' mode, cannot understand how she could FFK me when she promised me in the first place, hate her for putting her society friends in front of us, mad at her to unable to turn them down, sad she didn't care if we would mind, totally 'exploding' inside like gila babi.....

But I must keep it cool. I will not let this girl make me miserable anymore. She doesn't care about my feelings, so why should I care about her? I just followed David and LG around, sounding only when the time needs. My face totally didn't show how furious I was, and soon LG was away in the bus. I hated that a part of me still worries about her getting lost in KL, when I was still mad.

She broke her promise and went with another group when we were already out, wouldn't you be mad?!? Maybe normal people won't, but since I have feelings for her, I definitely would. This will go down in history as BETRAYAL.....! Out to the planks yer scum!!

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Ok, I'm totally emoing, but I will let it stop there, since she's gone. So I go with David back to MPH to fetch her sis n friend, then we waited for Daniel and a couple more of other friends. Soon, the gang went from 4 into 8 people. We choose to eat at a Thailand restaurant as the food was cheaper and doesn't look bad. But after eating the food, really disappointed...! -_-;

Played some games after eating, chat, joked around for some time before leaving the dining table and went sight seeing... and cam whoring. Later we split up, Daniel sent his friend home and David sent us home. Daniel called to yamcha and we continue another round until around 1am.

A truly fun day, David's friend was really friendly, so was Daniel's. I was a bit dull and shy, thus being silent most of the time. Although earlier was furious atLG, my feelings started to subsided and eventually became just 'pissed'. It wasn't entirely her fault... for instance, you can't blame the person who accidentally knocked you into a longkang with his car too, can you? lol...

Although David and Daniel was having a better time than I am, I am still happy and grateful that we had an enjoyable night together. Although already late, HAPPY BDAY DAVID!!! Friends Forever! XD

p/s: Listened to David's advice, I SMSed LG on her condition earlier. She safely reached her friends there and was having fun... hooray... for her. From now on I vow to forget her as a 'special' person. But we will still be friends... Yup, I think... we will.

One step at a time, again...

Took the initiative (and bold) step and tried to communicate with LG today. When she finished talking to everyone and leaving, I looked back at her, secretly. Coincidence that she looked at me too, smiling. So I smiled back and waved goodbye to her, and she did the same to me. Ah, the first step to recovery...!

Later we got a chance to talk outside the classroom too, but my friend suddenly go asked her a question, thus making me lost the chance. -_-; But luckily I was given another chance when she went for the last lecture of the day. Before she came in, I lend a note to copy from a friend, which sat next to her. So after lecture was done, I went to her place...

Me: Mhing Chen sit here r? (pura-pura donno, haha)
LG: Ya, why?
Me: Nola, just want to pass her back her notes (put the note on the table)
LG: Oh, ok...
Me: (Walking and trying to think what to say...) Not going home?
LG: Yeah, soon... how about you?
Me: Me? Same, going back later with Danny them all...
LG: Oh...
Me: Ok, bye bye.
LG: Bye bye.

It was not long, but I'm happy we DID communicate. Later I received a call from David asking me to ask LG out tomorrow to celebrate his bday in Mid Valley. I was shocked... cause I just started talking back to her today, after like 2 weeks (felt like months) of silent treatment...! Back at home I laid on my bed and think... to ask, or not to ask? That is the question...

Finally my conscience told me 'This is the time to go back to the good old days! Treat her as a friend and ask!!' Feeling nervous and don't know how she will think and reply, I sent the sms to her asking if she's free tomorrow. Within 10 seconds she replied, 'Ya, y?'... o.O So fast she replied!? As I felt more interested, I SMS her back, so we keep exchanging SMS. My heart was pumping fast, thinking if she's going or not... Finally she agreed! Woohoo!! XD

Ok, I should not be so happy... We are just friends, and nothing more, why should I be so happy? I wonder how will I react when I am alone, just the two of us, tomorrow... while waiting for David. And how will tomorrow outing's be? Can't wait! :P

Apologize

I have been advised to apologize... but did I really do wrong? It's not I couldn't but... somehow I don't feel I did anything wrong! But they say you sometimes need to apologize to girls, even if you are not in the wrong... That sounds a bit right and wrong to me. Apologizing is a big word in my life, and I don't use it unnecessarily except when I'm really on the wrong side.

But asking another friend's opinion, he says that I don't need to apologize... Just that I need to start and communicate back with her. Said that I should be open-minded and tell her the truth, that I like her and been avoiding her and now it's all over. Immediately I was stunned... why?!? Because of saying the 'like' word to a girl is like a phobia to me! I don't think I will do that in a loooooong while.

Maybe I will start back with the first step and say hi whenever I meet her... if she still look at me, that is. Argh, cleaning up my mess is very mafan ahh...!!! >.<;

Sad...

Today she just walk by me without a hi or a bye... that's how bad our friendship has deteriorated. Or am I thinking too much again...?

The level of kindness

There's very few kind people left in this world... or I could be wrong. Not to exaggerate, but I was once what they call 'kind till come out sauce' type (sound so wrong translated). But over the years becoming a human being, I slowly adept to the cruel and harsh world called 'reality'. Where crime does not pay, kindness have no value and kind ppl end up last in line...

Sure you need kindness, but how kind will you be 'kind'? From my observation, there's a couple of kindness. Giving an example:

There's a girl carrying a lot of baggage who seem to be lost. She ask you for directions. So what will a kind person do?

Level 1 kindness
You will tell her the way in detail if you know the way, else you will say sorry cause you also don't know where and leave...

Level 2 kindness
You will tell her the way and follow her halfway, in case she doesn't know the way. If you don't know the way, you will help ask people around and take her halfway there.

Level 3 kindness
You will help take her stuff and bring her to the place without asking anything in return. If you don't know the way, you will help take her baggage and ask around then walk until the destination before returning back her baggage.

How frequent will any of us reach level 3 kindness? Rare, because we are too busy with our own 'stuffs'. Many will think 'Why should I help her so much when I don't know her?' or 'What if she's a con-woman? I better mind my own business', etc... Isn't it sad to see how the world have developed until a stage where you need to think twice before helping somebody out?

Most will think it is better not to help and let her/him be independent. Some will think helping is a waste of time and may danger themselves. Others will think kindness is only for the ones you know, not for everyone or anyone on the streets...!

I was once lvl 2 or 3, but now turned to lvl 1, sadly. I can only say that many 'bad' incidents turned me around... many people affected me to 'downgrade'... many examples that shattered my feelings. What I hate most is that kindness are always taken for granted and not appreciated, turning my heart darker and darker. How I wish I could be like my mom, who did the above in kindness level 3... but I doubt so I could. Maybe in the far future... but not anytime soon.....

Super fun Ee Fan bday celebration!

Yesterday went to school as usual... a lot of ppl skipped the class because it was early, lasted for only an hour and no more class after that. After that I joined LG class, as usual... Maybe it's a ironic twist of fate that when LG presented her photos, teacher only chooses me, which is not her classmate (anymore) to comment about their photos (it's a group project). I just said I like the 3rd photo, and she explained it was taken from Bukit Tabur (yes, I already know that, thx for explaining, haha...). It was even so coincidental that she wore a green turtle neck shirt, with her necklace sticking out... while I wore my white turtle neck shirt, and my necklace sticking out. But no one noticed it except me :P Then she was gone, without a trace.....

So after class finished, we went for breakfast. Then Robin need to take care of something in the school, so I waited in the car. Heading Daniel's advice, I took a bold step and SMS her if she's going for the karaoke later. Surprised, she couldn't go, saying she need to be back around 4-5pm to go Genting, and afraid nobody will teman her back if she go. Knowing I couldn't offer to help, I just said next time then... and the SMS stopped there >.<

So with that out of my mind, we head towards Times Square. Me, ALvin and Danny went jalan2 while the others go karaoke (tattoo boy, Robin, Ee Fan and her boy fren, Ee Chun, Spiky hair boy, quiet boy, and the guy I hate, a Kit). Actually I also wanted to sing, but then it will be Alvin and Danny all alone... so I sacrificed a bit. Thought of shopping present for Ee Fan bday and LG's Christmas present, but could not find any suitable ones. Walked to Pavilion, Alvin belanja makan JCo Donuts, then walked to Sg Wang.

Soon they joined us, and we went to the arcade center. Danny went back, afraid of traffic jam. After playing some games, head towards Times Square. Me and Robin split back home there while the others continue jalan2. Reached home around 8.30pm, siao...! After eating dinner and bath, terus prepared to go out again. This time yamcha with the same gang at Feeling Cafe.

Besides Danny, everyone was there including Yee Chen, quiet girl, Wang Tien and Ee Chun's bf. It was crazy and wacky as there was a singer promoting her album there coincidentally, and she invited Ee Fan and A Kit up the stage (and 2 more bday boy). After teasing them a bit, they were each given a poster. Later they even went to take portrait shoot of her for assignment (backstage)! lol... The gang was fun and even communicate with the later 3 singers, making it a crazy place rather than the normal and calm Feeling Cafe. After that they brought a cake, which was a Secret Recipe cake. The bad thing is, they keep using the cake to smear ppl's faces... and I was hit one time by the naughty Ee Chun! It all soon ended around 1.30am. Then, they were playing pool, so I took my leave back home. A crazy and fun day, it feels good to be young again, haha... XD

P/S: It was actually also A Kit's bday, on 14th... kns, why so near!?

A part of me is lost

Tried my best not to talk to LG or even looked at her the past 2 days. Yes, I did manage to do that, but somehow I feel a part of me is gone... I know she is looking my way, wanted me to look back at her and at least give her a smile like I usually do. But I could not... as much pain of a thousand needles, I resisted. I do not want to spark my feelings once again... I want to end it once and for all, I know I must...

Yesterday I did the first step by not attending her class like I usually do (cause I want to see her, so I will attend her class, just for fun... last time). Today I could have done the same thing, but I got some home works to do and wanted to hang out with my friends there, so I give it a try. And as expected, it was so unbearable... she sat 2 sits away from me, with no one in between, to show the teacher some stuff on her laptop. All I did was doing my own work, as hardworking as possible, to not look her way. Soon, I could not stand it anymore and stop doing my work, walked behind her and hang around the class, chatting with other friends.

Soon she finished discussing with the teacher. She had a walk, and it was past me. I did not look, not even a glimpse or a hi... and she just walked by me like a stranger. Did she try to say hi to me, I did not know... Later she left with another guy friend, and I rushed out to see her slowly moving away from the building, with the guy. As her image becomes smaller and smaller, my heart becomes lonelier and lonelier... she was out of sight, and my heart just stopped. How could I be so cruel to do this? Am I doing the right thing?? Is making her a stranger in my life ever going to heal the pain and loneliness??? I..... I....... don't know..........

Just two days and it is already killing me inside out. Two days seems like two decades... Tomorrow I decided to take a day off and concentrate on the assignments that is rushing in, and to heal my soul from this unbearable loneliness in the heart. I curse myself for being so weak, so fragile, when it comes to these feelings... Am I too immature as unable to control my feelings as I desire? Is love such a poison that will stay in me for a longer time than everyone else? How can I dispose of these... emotions? When will I turn into a man, a man that will not let love conquer him but himself?

Nobody to answer me... but this 4 empty walls..........

No more LG for me...

As sad I know I will feel in the future, I decided to avoid LG... period. Yes, we couldn't be lovers but we could be friend, but I don't know when did my feelings grew so deep, so much... in such a short time. This so 'powerful' feelings was only felt when I meet YL, never would I imagine it coming back so soon and leaving such a huge impact on me... like a bullet train ramming on a ton of bricks.

Really sad... as I was just introducing her to the gang too. Maybe later when I don't feel so down, my heart don't miss her day and night, my eyes don't want to find her everyday in the lecture hall, my mind don't generate dreams of her... maybe then, will I become good friends with her, once again.

Looking back on how we once looked at each other in the lecture hall, not knowing each other and soon becoming such good friends now... How she once was a girl that barely anyone in the class knew, and now even chased by another guy except me... And how foolish of me thinking that this could be 'the one', with an age gap of 8 years. Haha, stupid me.....

So here is one of the last moment I had with LG which was tiring, full of pain... yet worth all the money in the world to see her happy and enjoying the trip up that blasted hill call Bukit Tabur. I will not endure another one of those moments again, because it will only make my heart hunger for her more, which in the end will give me Hell of misery and loneliness, again.

Rare photo... cause I never post my pic on my blog!

I will keep myself busy to forget the pain. There's always my friends to cure my 'sickness'. And soon, time will heal me once again... Maybe it's a good thing that she isn't in my class, else it will be FAR harder for me to resist. Hope she will have a happy life with whoever she wants to be with, just don't hang out with me so often anymore. I'm sorry... I love you.

P/S: In this moment of sadness, I REALLY don't want any bad/ sarcastic/ annoying comments, especially from you Eith! And I... MEAN... IT!!!

Nice gathering for Choy Yen

Yesterday went for yamcha at 8pm++, Daniel fetch me. Didn't know that what I thought was a small yamcha to see CY that has long went to S'pore, became a big gathering. A lot of us was there, which was me, Daniel, CY, WingC, Jimmy, KHoe, Sam, Sum, Sum's GF, SG, SG's bf, CMing, YL, Ah Ming and Chean Jeat. We drank and ate at Feeling's cafe, but the tables can't fit us all. So we split into 2 groups, and YL was in the other... ><

We also play cards and joke around, hanging around as good friends. It ended around 12am, but we hang around for second round which only consist of me, Daniel, Ah Ming, Chean Jeat, YL and CMing. YL sat next to me, which makes me kinda... uncomfortable (yet happy, lol). She even knows about me bringing LG that day for karaoke, haha. Although I don't love her anymore, I still like her as a friend. Looking at her makes me forget LG, a bit... which is a good thing, cause I don't want to miss her that much anymore. Friends really can cure your sadness, haha...

Bottomline... not good, lay low, stop thinking too much.....

Life is making me mad

Since I forgot how to make the words backwards, I will put it into minimize size. Don't need to read cause it's one of those self babbling moments of my life... again. Sigh..........

Sigh... The more I try to avoid, the more I think of her. Then my heart keeps calling out her name... suddenly I'm crazy for her and want to see her immediately, as long as I could. I keep telling myself there is no way for it to happen... then my eyes starts to play tricks on me. Everywhere I look, if there's a girl who looks like her or have short hair, I would think it is her. My mind is going crazy, I have never felt like this for a long time.....

But with this two weak hands, I know I can't... No matter how hard I try, how much I did, how many times I cared, how many times I tried... it all comes to the same answer. Should I avoid her now, before I can't stand it anymore? Maybe I don't need to, cause she will avoid me herself. Taking some time off is what my friend ask me to do... but that may take another 7 years to heal. WHY... DO... I... KEEP... TORTURING... MYSELF... LIKE... THIS!?!

I wish I could pull out my heart and smash to bits the part which controls my feelings for her... I don't want to miss her, I don't want to think of her... nor do I want to love her. I want all this feelings of pain to stop... stop for once and for all... please.....!!!

Sadness comes one by one

Since after the exam, it seems like I talk to LG less and less... She doesn't look my way anymore, I need to take the initiative to always go meet her or 'bump' into her, she doesn't talk to me that much anymore... sigh, donno la. Since she DOESN'T like me, why should I even care?! And to make my day worse, while I was talking to her and trying to make her happy, she told me 'Eh, the modal one I dowan liao... you find another to be your modal ok?'

My heart was like squashed with a thousand pieces of glass shards... I keep a low voice and answered 'Ok... nvm' while doing a fake smile. Then I leave, doing my own things... how could she do this to me after all I have done for her?!? No justice, no gratefulness... only a simple 'Don't care/ Don't mind/ Don't want... BB'. How can my day be worse?!

But it DID get worse... Since I wasn't feeling well (cough and sore throat), I did a lousy presentation in the morning, LG treated me badly and FFK from being my model, I skipped a class to have lunch with my former classmates. (Yes, I'm human and I DO bad things sometimes!) It was happy to know that your friends are there for you when your heart isn't beating as happy as usual...

Suddenly when I came back for the next lecture, a friend told me that the class I skipped has actually started the second assignment. Some of the people there has already chosen their groups. Suddenly W told me that the 2 classmates that is usually in my team BETRAYED and went into her team! I was shockes... and FURIOUS. How could they do that to me!?

I went for an answer... and the so called 'friend' told me all kind of excuse, and in the end asked 'Eh, I didn't know you mind. Do you mind?' I was so F**KING pissed I thought of hitting back right at him! How will you feel if I suddenly do that to YOU!?! And I could have do that a day earlier, but didn't cause I wanted to remain faithful to the gang. And THIS is what I get in reply...

After I asked some other classmates, only did I realised that he is a selfish a**hole, who would do anything to save his own skin! Yes, I feel stupid that NOW only I realised... some say they already dislike him when they saw his face, the course rep HATED him... and now ADD ME to the list! I vowed to take revenge for this insult and mockery... one day, YOU... WILL...PAY!!!

So tell me... is my day today one of the worse days of my life, or is it not? It DEFINATELY is...! >.< T_T X_X -_-;