My old self

 Today was too free. Took the liberty to read some of my old posts (back when blogging was an 'in' thing and etc). Wah... really... really speechless. I was so naive and immature. So emo and full of rage. Blinded by love and other small stuffs. I guess growing up and being in the working world will 'wake you up', sooner or later. I don't deny I'm still not fully 'mature' now. Still learning something new everyday. Unfortunately, that means learning both side of the coin, at the same time. One thing is for certain, the world is a much crueler place now than it used to be...

Reading my past post also made me remembered why I hated KH last time. I don't hate him now, but I don't like him either haha. He is kinda like the emo part of me that grew up into a nasty and honest but cruel me. I heard he is married now. Should have grown up like me. Good for him. We are two totally opposite side of a coin, so better if we remain apart haha

Looking back at some of the old posts, I remembered I was the 'happy go lucky' yet 'ignorant of the world' kind of kid haha. I don't understand when people was being sarcastic/real or not. I was treating everyone the way I wish them to treat me, truthful and kind. But it doesn't always work that way haha. Everyone need to wear a mask, it's just how the world move around now. It's the harsh reality, that eventually everyone have to adept... and slowly become a part of it.

I used to enjoy time with my friends everyday. Now that they are far away, I adapted to being alone or with my parents. Everyone have their own life to follow when they grow up. If I were to see my young past self, I would tell him 'Enjoy being young, for it will not last long'. Time to man up and face the world, now me...

P/S: YS confirmed have a bf now. Time to add another scar and move on, o heart of mine...

A good but sad CNY

 This CNY is good for dogs! Especially in the love department. True or not haha... Anyway, let's hope it's true (10 more months to go). A good news is a good way to start the year. But it wont be with YS. I heard she posted in Instagram with another 'mystery boy'. So should be got bf already lah. Good... very good. She f**king hates me anyway, haha.

Went to Genting during CNY. At first won 1k on the first day. Then slowly lose back on the second and third day, damn. Oh well, most important is spending time and having fun with the family. Dad lost a lot, again. Time to recuperate and DONT go Genting for a few months.

It was a good and enjoyable CNY until we got news of Uncle Lee getting really sick after CNY. Before that he even Whatsapp me like normal. So last week Sunday morning we went to see him at his house. He was bedridden and looks so pale and thin. His wife told us he cannot eat anymore. It was really sad looking at him like that. He did wake up for a few seconds to see us, before going back to sleep. 

Later we went to do our normal shopping and lunch before heading back home. But at around 2pm, they called and let us know that Uncle Lee passed away. So soon... just after we met in the morning. It was like he was waiting for us to say our last goodbye before he left. It was a really sad moment for me... RIP Uncle Lee. I know it was very painful for you those past few days. We will miss you dearly... 😭

Our bonus this year was the worse we have even received, with half a month or no salary at all (for high level management). Our workload wasn't less but why so bad? Something was wrong, and some workers could not take it. After bonus day, 3 person have resigned (2 before that). It's sad to see colleagues go, but I know it's for the best. I wish you all good luck. Waiting for my turn, 1 day haha...

CNY has passed and today is Valentine's Day. Not the best day for us singles yet I wish all couples out there Happy Valentine's Day. Please cherish your other half, else don't waste time and just break up, ok? Like they all say, better a short pain than a dragged long pain. Small arguments/disagreements don't count, so mend up! Until next time, adios~!

New year, no resolutions haha

 Maybe I'm getting old but no more new year resolutions for me haha. Better just call it goals or targets. My aim this year, like all years, is to get fit, less fat and maybe get a gf. Maybe... although the last one doesn't seem achievable, haha...

So what happened these couple of months? Started to gamble bigger (big no no) and lost 1.5k on the last trip to Genting. Must stop thinking I can win back that money that I lost, which will eventually make me lose even more. Kns... Everyone turns into a gambling ghost in the casino. Or almost everyone. Best way to win is not go into a casino at all. Period.

Bought myself a new year present, a new Samsung Galaxy Tab S9 which cost around 2k only. A steal compared to my old S7 which cost me 3k. Amoled screen baby, haha...

Last week was our company annual dinner. Last year got chosen for lucky draw (ang pow money). This year kena again, the first name to be called for the lucky draw (10th prize) Sharp Microwave. Wow, not bad, even though didn't get the chance for the grand prize TV haha. But got played on stage when I was the top 5 male best dressed contestant (dance APT, omg). Needless to say didn't win, the winner was actually not best dressed but most famous and liked (who can play too). Oh well, the prize is just a box of chocolate haha. The food sucked although the place looks nice (new hotel in Butterworth). The old Juru hotel (which we held our company dinner nearly every year) although the food was boring but actually taste better, bummer...

Last month my dad was admitted to the hospital again for lung infection and too much water in lung (that's why he kept coughing for weeks). Luckily he was better and discharged in nearly a week. I was like a zombie that week (had to work and drive 1 hour to the hospital) and had fever for 3 nights (but resumed work the next day). Lucky my dad discharged early...

Love life... lately crazy for YS, not YL. The girl who blocked me in instagram haha. I feel like the Gods are playing a prank on me for she is the only colleague I accidentally meet outside our office (in 2 restaurant, in a pharmacy and today in FM). Yes I know I'm overthinking again but this time I pressure myself to remember, she hates me, remember?!? So I will keep my cool and just appreciate her by the sidelines, like I always do. Ok maybe she dont hates me, but she will NEVER like me, pronto! Stop thinking you stupid brain, sigh... This is what loneliness do to you *facepalm*

Heard our company either didn't profit much or lose money (how can we lose money if we all work like dogs!?). So bonus will be less or none, we shall see. This year will surely sucks as an after effect of last year (budget cuts, need to save here and there). Work will be abundant (to earn more and please more customer/shareholders). Damn it, who asked this company to be listed is the most idiotic person of all! Not only did our workload increased (and caused 4 person to resign BEFORE bonus), also caused a LOT of people lose a lot of money when they bought the company shares (which now dropped more than 60%). Now almost everyone in the company is demoralized and waiting for the bonus before deciding to call it quits or continue to suffer in a not looking bright company. I expect my dad to retire this year too, so I can quit also. But then YS... sigh.

CNY is coming soon. Here's hoping everything will be better this year. Good luck everyone~!

The dangers of gambling

 Went to Genting last week. I knew gambling was bad yet I told myself to go and gamble a bit, just for fun. But when I started to play on the slot machines, it was really... irresistible. There's always that urge that says 'put in another RM100 and you will win it back and hit jackpot too!'. Well, it was always the opposite haha...

One time an aunty who sit next 3 seats to me won RM7k! walao... and it's not even a jackpot. Then later she won another 3k! That really fire me up to try again, which in the end lost all money haha. Conclusion, 1 in a million can win, but the others will lose. But when you're gambling, you will always feel you're 'the one', thus losing more. Until you cant lose no more.

When I was young, I only play RM100, because losing RM100 is really pain for me (sometimes I wont even gamble to prevent losing RM100). Now with more disposable income, I will go for a few hundred, sometimes even 1k. Now I know why my dad or friends lost so much on the gambling table. When you start gambling, you turned into another you. The 'greedy monster' you. It was fun, but cost dearly. So to everybody out there, try your best NOT to gamble ya haha... Cheers~

Restricted, not blocked, by GL on FB

 GL birthday just passed. A long time ago, this was one of the most important date for me. I wished her on her FB a few years, until I finally woke and stopped. Cause it was useless and she never wish me on my birthday. This year I don't know why I check her FB to see how she's doing lately. To my surprised, I can only view all the wishes I wrote on her wall, and nothing else. I checked and I was right, I was restricted (not blocked) by her. Adui, might as well block me lah like that *facepalm*

What made her do this? I was not stalking her, she's in Australia for God's sake. Ah... it might be because that one time I told OUR good friend that I had a dream about GL, and she told her, thus freaking her out that I might go after her one day haha. Seriously, she's really not... attractive. And I already have another crush of 20 years, she is already way past history. Damn it, I have myself to blame. People nowadays are really made of glass, tell them some dream and it blew into stalking or whatever shit. FML... 

Anyway, nice meeting you two in the past (GL and SN). I hope we will NEVER meet again. I'm sick of this, really... True friends are soooooo hard to find nowadays, sigh. Everyone is selfish, I get it. But being friends for so many years, they couldn't differentiate which is facts and which is illusions? Yup, those 5 years are my illusions... illusions of having good friends that will last. Goodbye my friends, it was fun while it lasted. Cheers~

First time in my life, a week of me time

 Last month was a long holiday for me, where I took 3 days off and it leads to a week off (including holidays). My parents should follow me to GH but mom still recovering from leg infection (admitted in the hospital) so no choice, I have to drove alone all the way there (first time). Mainly because we booked many rooms already and also promised our aunt & uncle from England a short vacation there. So, solo vacation let's goooo~!

Genting was relaxing, not really fun. First I accompany my aunt and uncle, with my bro and his wife, for 2 days. On the third day they went back down to KL, leaving me alone... staying at the luxurious Highland Hotel. Oh Yesssssss! I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, for 3 days (until Daniel comes). It's the best feeling ever (freeeeedom). Shop alone (bought me a Nike Air shoe), ate alone (ate Harry Ramsden fish and chip, delicious but expensive), gamble a bit (win then lose back) and etc. It was really nice to be away from the freaking hectic work life... and free from responsibilities for a little while. Luckily my aunt went to Pg to help take care of my parents, so I can enjoy in peace.

Thursday Daniel came up alone, live in my room (lucky it's not 1 bedded). Talk about some of the old memories of life and new. It was nice too haha. His wife was begging for his return to help take care of the kids, so we went back early on Friday afternoon. I drove him to the LRT then went to find Sum, which Daniel told me shifted to KL East Mall's Harvey Norman. His house and working place is even nearer than my PG house and office! Then later went to ate at BRJ with my cousin and bro. Stayed the night at my bro's house. They were really late back home (around 4/5am) so I watched an anime called Frieren. A very nice anime indeed (watched until finish).

Saturday night was the highlight of my trip, to meet my old friends from TARC. I think didn't meet them 3 years liao. As expected, YL didn't join, again. Which really didn't matter as we all chat and have dinner happily for 3-4 hours at Plaza Arkadia. Those joined were Daniel, WingC, Jimmy, SG and CM. On Sunday, after breakfast with my bro and his wife, I drove back alone to Pg.

Summary: I must try to make a solo trip at least once a year. It's good for the body and soul, really, haha. The perks of being solo I guess. Yeah I will feel lonely without a lifetime partner, I will live alone when old with nobody to call my own, I will have to take care of myself when sick, etc... But that's life. Not everyone can be happily married. If can I will choose to attach myself to a girl I love without needing to marry. Why? Because I have seen a lot of marriages that... doesn't go so well. Love without marriage, sounds irresponsible right? No wonder I'm single haha... Just dreaming, don't mind me. Cheers~!

Yup, I'm definitely sick again...

 Yesterday admitted my mom into the hospital again. Last time was due to leg infection, this time also the same but on another leg. Need to drip antibiotics to recover fully. So after the doctor gave the green light to be admitted, we went downstairs to register for the admission. To my surprised, I saw YL as a receptionist next to ours! I calm myself down a little, there is absolutely no way she is working here. I look closer and it was a woman who looks 80% like her, with her face mask on. Her eyes and hair was so much like hers, I just can't get my eyes off her. Why!? Why do I keep looking at her eyes!? Then I realized... I really miss YL's eyes. Shit... FML

Did you know that I once...?

 Did you know that I once had a dream, a long time ago, when I was in secondary school? It was no ordinary dream as I still remember a bit details until now. I was in love with a tomboy name GL. I was so in 'love' with her that I had a dream with her. It was in the future. I was shopping with her, happily as husband and wife while she was pregnant, in a futuristic unmanned supermarket. I remembered we just go in and out without needing to take out cash or cc. 30 years ago dream, that was pretty high tech haha... A long time ago dream, that will never come true.

The purpose of life, my life

 Sometimes I ask myself, what is the purpose of life? Of my life? Why is it I'm always thinking of YL, when I can think of somebody else? Why do I keep saving up money, when I can suddenly die and all my money can't be used? Why do I work when I should be enjoying life out there now? What if, what if, what if...?

Then I realized, we are but just a spec of dust in this universe. What we do is purely for our own benefit, our own happiness/sadness. Yes we care for other people, but we care for ourselves first. Like what the airlines people said, you can't save others without saving yourself first. So always think of yourself FIRST.

I think of YL because I feel empty inside, without somebody to think of. I imagine if I don't think of YL, what will happen to me? I may feel depressed... sad... aimless... purposeless... lonely... and this might make me breakdown. That's how depression can do to you. I stepped into darkness, and I pull myself out before it's too late. Depression is no joke, believe me. (Actually I don't think much of her lately, but I just put her inside, one part of me... just in case)

So from now onwards, I will think of anyone, as much as I want, when I want. I will not let loneliness or depression get to me. I play what I want, eat what I want, do whatever I want. I don't know when I will die, but I will live as happy as I can before I do, everyday. My purpose in life? Is to enjoy life as much as possible, with or without love. I don't need to be great, I just need to be me. And I hope you will too. Cheers~!

Happy Dragon New Year~!

 So first post of the year, hope everyone will have a Happy New Year soon. Let's recall what has happened over the past few months:

1. Company dinner at 13 Jan

This time not buffet but Chinese wedding style where each table will be presented their own set of food (halal/non-halal/vip). Still same at Iconic Hotel (food was ok). This year got special 'long service award' which I definitely will get since I work before day 1. It's a certificate and RM300 cheque, yay. Got some performances by own colleague (a way to save money and entertain all). First time get lucky draw too (RM100 ang pow). Best lucky draw prizes: hp that company get for free from signing packages with phone companies (OMG...). Overall, fun and not bad (because I got RM400) haha...

2. Sprained knee while playing badminton

Walao first time kena torn ligament. So serious until I cannot walk as 1 leg was crippled. MC for 2 days, recovered on 4th day. Was using a walking stick to see doctor, it was Hell. Now still a little pain. Doctor said no sports until after CNY. I doubt can fully recovered by then, sigh... Bad year for dog, no doubt.

3. Was hit with Covid last year December

Yup, second time covid. Fun as free off days at home. First day was Hell, high fever, couldn't eat. Then later recovered and stay in bed and gaming whole day. But got some after effects like lost taste bud and leg weakness (maybe the reason I sprained my knee). Whole family kena (including my parents). First time MC of the year, there goes my perfect record haha.

4. Still single and available

Yup, the usual. Starting to shake of YL, but for how long, who knows? Focus more on old games that have stories for entertainment (not H game). Lonely but manageable...

Busy with work (sometimes) as company already listed. More work, bonus only 1 month (less than last year's 1.5 month, shit) and everyone is working like zombies because no add man power but increased workload. IPO only made it worse, shit! The economy is getting worse, everything price increased. Sigh... let's just hope this will be a better year for all. Cheers~!

 

Damn tired of working in this company

 So we got confirmation that our TH side is getting listed (yay). It was actually all good. Until yesterday. Yesterday I got news from my friend that they already booked tickets and accommodation for ALL the HOD (EXCEPT ME) to fly to Bangkok for the ceremony on 1st Nov. I was pissed as I am in charge of CC, so considered a HOD... but my job position is STILL security exec. Then I am often handled work and responsibilities of a HOD, without officially becoming one! Now they want to save money and didn't invite me go. Bloody Hell... I vent my frustration at my dad, how can they ask all HOD go except ME?! Then he said because some is investors (I'm not) and some is 'senior' managers. I then said 'I'm not senior? I work since day ONE in this company!'. Then he got nothing to say but ask me to calm down and be patient... &^%%#@

If it wasn't because of my dad. I would have straight resigned. Stupid company controlled by stupid people (not include my dad). I then tell my dad to either promote me into a HOD or ask the company to hire one, as I'm sick and tired of being a 'nameless' HOD anymore. When want somebody responsible to do KPI or HOD stuffs, come find me. But when got HOD benefits, kick me to the side. What a damn irresponsible company. That's why my love for the company is practically zero.