The first post of the year!

Wow, so long didnt blog liao... maybe busy with life, that's why... haha. These couple of week have been going out a lot with the TARC gang, which is nice as staying at home playing LOL is not healthy. But it also means my pocket money is going thin! Luckily I got some extra cash from working with my bro else really cannot support going out, eating, yamchaing and most of all... Magic! Yup, the pre-release has passed, which is on the weekend of CNY week, walao. Got some nice mystics and rares but not exp ones. Overall ok but my bro rugi. Razif n Kel Veen most untung, haha...

Let's talk about CNY this year 1st. This new year has been good and bad. Bad I don't want to mention here la... good is we got an increment of 300% from our angpows from our parents, woohoo! RM300 baby, that's a lot for 3 of us! Thus with the new TV from last year, it is time to upgrade our video game console to... XBOX 360! Really wanted to buy PS3 but with no/rare pirated copies now, better buy XBOX 360 to save cost. If all goes well, will be taking the XBOX (buying second hand) from Jimmy tonight.

But this year CNY never seen YL before... either she balik kampung or busy. Sad to say she is now back to her old self. Doesn't reply sms and lazy to come out yamcha with us. Soon I won't even have the energy to ask her yamcha anymore. Why? Because I hate people who doesn't answer my sms whether they going or not. Not going also must reply! If you lazy, then I will also lazy to ask you out next time. I sms to A LOT while you only sms to ME. If 1 also you cannot handle than the same goes to me for you. Mr Daniel you also one of them! >(

Miss her that is why I'm mad? Haha... maybe. Well, counting back... its been 9 years that I loved her, secretly. She having a bf now is slowly making me forget her, but a 9 year love is hard to recover. Whenever I have free time or see people in love, I will think of her. I don't want to admit it but my heart is lonely, haha. So I will cure it with work and the new XBOX I'm getting soon. YL, BEGONE!!! *poof* lol

Argh, with Valentines coming, it doesn't help me neither. YL faster get married so I will not think of you or miss you anymore! Wish I could just rip my heart out...

Anyway one day during the CNY period asked Kim Hoe and Chun Siong, both which I'm not in good terms with last time, for dinner (bak kut teh). Kim Hoe I can slowly accept back as a friend but CS... no way, yet. Seeing how he never improved, I prefer to think of him as a wall/stone. I will consider him not around when he is nearby! lol...

Work... need to find work starting next month. A bit scared and no confidence... sigh, where should I start? ><

Looking back of 2011

So the year's gonna end... was it a good year for me? So so la... not very good but not bad either. This year I managed to find a new group of friends in TARC, which includes me is 4 guys. Last year was bad cause I need to find a group every time there is a group assignment, sigh. So thanks to the 3 guys, I wasn't that lonely or groupless, which I am very thankful of :)

My family life is also getting better... bought a 42 inch LCD TV, which is a big level up compared to the 2 color CRT TV which we endured for a long time already. With my bro getting more works for his co-op business, I can help him do some work which also rank me some cash. Can say this is the first time I really earn money for myself, haha. Yes, a bit too old to only start raking in money but I have no complains :)

It was sad these couple of months as I failed my FYP, the guilt and pain of letting my parents down was huge. Nonetheless they understand it and hope I will do better next time. Feel so happy and thankful when they said that, haha. I will be a better man next year and try to find some real jobs to do while awaiting to finish my Advance Diploma! XD

Love life is not good... well, it's never been good in the first place, haha. YL finally has a bf, which I am happy for her (and I am lying if I deny having that 'sadness' in my heart) but overall... I really hope her the best. She is now more lively and beautiful, due to the power of love I suppose, haha. All the best YL... me and CM will hope for nothing less. :)

Also able to meet some nice good friends in Magic... especially Razif, Amie and Ezzy. It's nice to see multi racial can still sit together and have fun without caring about what racist crap there is out there. Also started to get involved in standard again, which is better as EDH is not tournament competitive, although its fun. Will try to be more serious in Magic next year, woohoo! XD

Since I am again free next year, besides finding for work... may want to try out something new for a change. New hobby? Diet? (old story set anew, haha) Improve my drawing skills? learn to be an expert in some softwares? New magic decks? (haha) With all the time in the world, I really should do something about it... not because I'm forced to, because I want to :)

Happy New Year everybody~!

Merry Christmas 2011

It almost doesn't feel like the year is about to pass... so fast time really flies, in a blink of an eye and 2012 is already coming. Last weekend had been a very fun filled week, at least for me. And what better way to spend Christmas than with friends (also got with family la, haha).

Let's start with Sat. Last Sat took LRT to Sg Wang where we Singk, only four of us including Sam, SG and CM. Others are either busy with their own plans or just didn't respond to our invitation. I went even though wasn't feeling well cause just recovered (not fully) from diarrhea. Lucky was alright after I went there.

After Singk in redbox low yat, went to eat n yamcha again cause they not full eating the food in redbox. Spent a long time chatting there about almost everything, haha... Then called Daniel and as anticipated, he's going to find her gf at night. So I planned to follow CM to his house and then follow Daniel back, so I don't need to waste time and money travel back alone XD Anyway, was shocked cause SG also followed me. I guess CM promised will send her back, so nice of him...!

So went to YL house, watch a movie and all of us went out for dinner, which cost a bomb in Subang Parade. Daniel la... nothing to do go so far for what? He said wanted to buy something... which I'm not sure if he really did buy anything in the end. Oh well... then go to Asia Cafe to yamcha while countdown by ourselves for Christmas, lol. Daniel half way went back to fetch his gf come and join us, with 2 thingy wiggling on top of his head ROTFLOL! Looks like her gf wore the traditional santa hat while he wore the cute ver, which... supposed to be wore by girls? haha... I admire his courage to wear it and find us in Asia Cafe, where most strangers will be too (plus other mixed feelings)... lololol.

Ah... the power of love, I must say its a power nobody really can predict. After around 1am we start our journey back. CM was feeling not well, so Daniel send SG back, after sending her gf back. A tiring but happy and funny day, lol...

Sunday, which was yesterday... went out for a big eating with parents and my 2 bro in Festival City. Thought of eating Esquire Kitchen cause my bro say there's one but in the end there wasn't. So we end up eating at Seoul Garden, a buffet with grill and steamboat with a bit of Korea essence. As expected of its name, it was expensive... one person nearly RM40, thus all of us cost a wooping near RM200. But it was fun, and its been a long time since we ate like that (or is it the first? forgot, haha). Then I went to find Sam and SG which is there to find me earlier and even went for 1 hour of karaoke to wait for me lunch. So nice of them XD

It was all thanks to Sam for being so 'hyped' up and fetch me and SG go and back so we can hang out with YL them. Really nice guy, haha. After we left from Festival City we got a bit lost because I asked Sam to input into his GPS Summit Square but it was actually Summit USJ. When we reached, thought of going to Sunway Pyramid for movie but they say will be very jam with ppl... so in the end watch movie in YL's house. 3 movie in the end we watched, nice nevertheless. Oh went for a vegan dinner and bought some food back for the last movie. It was nice to be able to watch movie for free while surrounded by friends, haha. Oh ya, saw Oon for a while then he left cause he came back for his camera.

From the 2 days we chat about a lot of things. But the most memorable ones was about YL, no need say, lol... It's funny when she said she feel her time is being sucked by her bf when her bf went to see her in her home (because she cant do her past time stuffs like watching movie, haha) but she also said she will miss her if he doesn't come. YL oh YL... I can't blame you because it's your first time dating. Maybe I will feel and do the same thing when it's my time? Haha... love is such a funny and weird thing. I have no rush for it while learning from my friends about love, hehe... XD

Friend's wedding dinner

Ah... just back from a nice wedding dinner in Times Square. It's Hie Mee's wedding dinner. Although I seldom talk to her but she was nice enough to invite me also, so I went! And in our table number 18, which is quite near to the front than waaaay at the back, was YLing, CMing, WingC, Weng Foo, CYen and her husband + sister and one more dude I don't really know but seen before. 9 person instead of 10. Ah Fei, which YL loved last time, was in another table with her gf, I think. Ronnie was alone in the vegan table because SP was feeling unwell. I was lucky Hie Mee didn't put me apart from all of them, thanks Hie Mee! XD

It was fun all the way as we chat, make jokes and tease each other while cheering a lot of time (me, non alcohol, thus using Chinese tea or coke, haha). Sam somehow able to make WingC drank a lot of red wine, which she says won't make her drunk. She really is not drunk, but a bit she is... haha. I can feel that she is more happy and free when she is drunk. Smiling and laughing more, like the WingC I know last time. I guess people change when they goes into the working world, unavoidable... but most of the time make people worse than when they are happily studying. Yes, that includes you Daniel, lol... or maybe Daniel change because of her gf? Ya, I think that would be more of the case for Daniel, haha... Dont tuut me because I am just saying the truth, like what I always do in my blog, wakaka XD

Anyway, YL went too, and she was as pretty as she always is in a yellowish white dress and high heels. Her lips isn't fully recovered yet but her eyes are back to normal. She was a bit quiet and I tried to talk to her as much as possible to cheer up her spirits as I think she isn't feeling good because of the infection on her mouth. Poor YL...

The wedding dinner was awesome. The food was great, and Sam said the Shark Fin soup we drank (one person one medium sized bowl) was really the real thing. I tried it out and it doesn't taste different from the other shark fins I tasted before. Maybe I am just the type who can't appreciate luxury foods, haha. Then later the vegan table, all of them left. But food is still served on their table! Since Hie Mee coincidentally came to out table for 'yamseng', I asked her if we could have the other empty table food to not waste it. She said ok, and we asked the waiters to tapau all the food for us to bring home, since we can't finish them surely, haha. And in the end of the wedding we did bring some back, so everyone was happy with not only souvenirs (a small wedding pic of the couple and a pair of chopsticks) but food too! XD

Then Sam sent me back to Wangsa Maju LRT. He used his newly brought GPS, which I earlier accompanied him to Lowyat where he bought it. It was convenient and suitable for him as he doesn't know the way to Wangsa Maju from there (must be too long in Abu Dhabi, haha). It makes me want to buy one too so I can travel to anywhere I want without fearing of being lost! But RM420... that's quite a hefty sum. See how la. Maybe I can save enough money from helping SKY do his work to buy one myself XD

Life is still sweet, not as dark as I thought it would be...

Ah... today I feel so relieved after lifting that one ton guilt in my heart. I did the most terrifying, ok... maybe only for me, thing there is... to tell my parents I failed my FYP and I need to wait another year to resit and graduate my Advanced Diploma.

It's my fault for trying to do the impossible... to do a hand animation entirely by myself, when I am still noob in drawing animation characters properly. I was very sad and my heart was so heavy, my head filled with ache... what can I do!? Nothing... I tried my best and in the end shoot with a machine gun by that bastard Aaron n even the damn Bern shoot at me, with silly questions like 'what did you learn all this while in multimedia?'... It was damn sarcastic and I was already shivering from doing presentation, so I just shoot whatever my mind can think while smiling to keep a positive attitude. Then the damn Aaron says I am not taking it seriously... F**K?! So what do you want me to do? Cry and beg for forgiveness in front of other students?!? I keep my head high, smiling... but deep inside the scars were deeper than the depths of Hell.

But now I feel so free... so happy, with no more worries or guilt. F**K them, I don't need to see them anymore... until next year. I will stay positive like what my parents want me to be. They encouraged me and say its alright, try again next year. I know they are sad cause I already wasted so much of my time studying, but I will start working next year. I must leave my nest and try to flap my wings into the dreaded world below. Even if I fail, at least I tried... I must.

Last Sunday was also a happy day because although I went to Submit, I did not join the tournament (my bro did and he lost). So I smsed YL and CMing if they want to come out for lunch or something, and they agreed. So the 3 of us had lunch and went for window shopping with YL... it was fun, cause I got to hang out with YL, ahhh :)

One of the happiest day of my life!

Today went for dinner and yamcha with Weng Foo (which just came back last month and see him 1st time today), SG, WingC and Jimmy. It was fun and enjoyable. Then we went to Desa Park City where CM and YL joined. Now why is today one of the most happiest day of my life? Because of:

1. On the way driving to find Jimmy, YL sms-ed me and say she could not come because CM not coming. At the end of the message she added a smiley face of :P.... OMG, first time she used smiley, I am so happy to see one in MY sms! XD

2. While we were talking I forgot what I asked her... I think I asked her 'why you don't bring you bf along' or something like that. She replied with a >< and :P... she took out her lips a little while closing her eyes like that... IT WAS SO CUTE! OMG... since when she start doing all these cute stuffs!?! And she do it to ME... I was so happy and feel honored. Maybe it is because she's in love, maybe its because she's starting to change... but she doing :P to me in real life really melts my heart in an instance, so happy to see it! XD

Ah... YL has changed so much since she has a bf. I dont know if the bf is really her first and last or not, but I wish her happiness... if its with the current bf, then let it be. Be happy Yee Ling... for me... and for CM who I knows also love you a lot. You deserve non other..... :)

Thoughts for her

How come I am thinking 'what if he is not suitable for her?'... when YL's current bf have been sending her to Klang every 3 times a week from her house, and that's nearly an hour drive! How come I am scared if she will be cheated by the man, when she is already old enough to think for herself? How come I am having all these thoughts, when she does not even think about me?!?

Haha... I guess this is what people call as 'finding useless trouble for your ownself'. Maybe I am still coping with the fact... maybe I just need more time to forget her totally. 11 years, I bet I could not take that long to love another girl next time before asking her to be my gf, haha... 11 years is a long long time to love another girl secretly... 11 years thinking of her, how much time needed to forget?

I wish I could just take out that piece of heart that yearns for her everyday and throw it away... I wish I could delete the memories and thoughts I have for her, then I will not suffer anymore... I wish I could be strong enough to go through the days without thinking of her which makes me crazy and lonely... thought I do not wish I never knew her in the first place.

Give me some time and I will forget her totally... yes, time is my only medicine... time will heal.

The day I feared for 11 years has finally arrive~

Just now went for yamcha with YL, EChing, Jimmy, WingC and CMing. I was happy caused it has been weeks of not able to see her and suddenly when I first see her today, I feel something different about her. She looked prettier... way prettier than normal. Is her make up skill so good now, or did she went for some exercise programs? I nearly couldn't recognize that beautiful girl, and later I knew why...

She break up the news to us that she is now officially coupled with a boy... so now she has a bf! The moment she said that it was like a thousand, no, millions of razor sharp blade went through my heart... and my heart died in an instant. But quickly I regained my consciousnesses and said 'Good la, I'm happy for you...' Haha, actually its half true.

I'm VERY sad because the girl I have secretly in love with for 11 years are now a couple with another guy I dont know. But actually another part of my heart feel relieved... because I know now that my heart can finally be put to rest, no need to wonder if she will accept me in the future or not... the hope will die and I will wish her happiness with her new found and first accepted bf...

I am so sad... tears cannot come out of my eyes. Yet I feel relieved and happy for her... if she did not have a bf, she would not be so happy today. She will not look so much cheerful and full of energy like today. She won't be the wonderfully beautiful YL that I saw, today...

I am still very happy when she thanked me for helping her Google some stuffs for her prom night thingy in the coffeebean of desa park city. I will forever remember this night... the night she told me that she has been accepted by another man... The night I wish her eternal happiness with her love one... The night that my heart finally died......

Stressed and lonely

As I wait here aimlessly in front of my computer for the arrival of my new LCD TV (yeah, finally changed my old 10++ year TV!), I start to think what am I doing with my life. Up until now I still feel pressured by the damn FYP because my supervisor ask me do this and when I present to a panel of lecturers, they rejected it. Mostly is my fault, cause now only I realized my storyboarding skill sucks... sigh!

Still hanging, dunno what to do... sms lecturer but no reply. I feel like giving up in this fyp... but its my last sem, I should finish it and start work... too old to still studying, sigh...! So to relieve myself from all this stress I turn to Magic... it can help me release tension, use some brain power and at the same time maybe profit from it. But all are too busy with their own work so I can't test my standard decks myself. Another dead end, sigh...!

So sien and tension I am that I have no time to think about love at all... unless somehow my mind wonders there again. YL... yeah, she can't seem to disappear from my mind no matter how hard I try. Then I read some quotes which fits me perfectly. It says 'You are not giving up in love but trying to move on' and 'I feel happy to love you from afar when I know I could not get your love'. It looks like I am not the only person in this situation, where I love her so much but people see me as silly to still cling on in this love. Ya, I know she won't love me but I just couldn't stop loving her from afar... it's too irresistible, the hope is undying, I feel happy whenever I think of her... you can say it's like a drug. A mind drug that makes me feel happy and sad... but the only feeling that I will never let go... the feeling of being alive.

I have a bad vibe that I will not able to graduate again, sigh... f**k it, let me end this misery now!

Damn him!

Ah... these few weeks have been good to me. All I can do is rest, hang out with my friends, relax... nothing to worry, nothing to stress about. I am shifting my gear into 'lazy mode' at full drive because I know the next last sem will be very hard, full of despair and hatred. And it's all because of that damn emo noob younger than me lecturer, curse him... curse him with all my hatred and pain~!

Nothing can be done now but wait... and think of new ideas. I have thought of making my fav trading card game as my FYP, but I doubt it will get approved because the lecturers want something more... something 'new'. FCUK them... are we doing OUR fyp or THEIRS?!? Why do our last fyp has to be in their criteria when what we are going to work in our future depends on it!? If they pick what we do as out FYP, it means we are going to work in that field too, because our last FYP portfolio is what we are going to show to our future boss!!! Damn fcuk up system... I will surely complain after I graduate. Lecturers are there to guide us, not to force us! Curse them... curse him!!!

Argh, dont care anymore... I will try my best, if fail then fail la. At least I got a reason and not being blame for stopping half way anymore. The tension and expectation from everyone on me is building up, and I am going to explode and die soon because of it... I'm really not as strong as I thought I would be, sigh...

Another outing, just the 4 of us

Wow, slept only nearly 5 hours, then quickly rush n drive to Jimmy's house yesterday. Yeah, I was later arriving his house, where I then parked my car and followed in his new car to fetch SG and WC. Our destination? To The Curve and karaoke~! XD

As usual, I sang my heart out with SG who chooses all English songs, my fav! Now they have unlimited flow of water, just that a bit mafan need to call them come in each time we need a refill. At RM16.50 for 3 hours singing and lunch, worthy la~! :)

Then have a tiring journey of walking here n there shopping for the girls, argh my legs! But it is always fun to accompany friends in doing activities, haha. Then we went to Murni for dinner. A bit expensive but worth the amount spent with the amount of food consumed. Chat more around until nearly 9pm and we start our journey home.

Had much good conversation with SG. Yeah, I agree that YL is not what u call the 'perfect' choice as a gf, nor will she be the best wife. She asked me if I still love her and I paused a while... then answered her 'slowly diminishing feelings'. Yeah, I'm mad at her for not joining us for Karaoke today. I'm even more mad at her for not joining us at Murni. Her reasons? None... but I already know her reasons is always only 1... "lazy/ no mood". Pft~!

Slowly I regain my senses... I think I love YL for so long is because she is the ONLY girl I see, without broadening my horizons to others. No I didn't say I want to woo SG, but there is a lot more nice girls out there like SG that I should search for, not clinging to a girl like YL that I know will totally make any man beg under her knees if they marry her, haha. Too rough, not my style. Goodbye YL, you are not my target anymore. I know the remaining feelings inside me will subside if you continue to be the arrogant, lazy and ignorant girl you are now. Which is the same attitude since I fell in love with you 9 years ago, sigh... I guess something never change, do they?