Apologize

I have been advised to apologize... but did I really do wrong? It's not I couldn't but... somehow I don't feel I did anything wrong! But they say you sometimes need to apologize to girls, even if you are not in the wrong... That sounds a bit right and wrong to me. Apologizing is a big word in my life, and I don't use it unnecessarily except when I'm really on the wrong side.

But asking another friend's opinion, he says that I don't need to apologize... Just that I need to start and communicate back with her. Said that I should be open-minded and tell her the truth, that I like her and been avoiding her and now it's all over. Immediately I was stunned... why?!? Because of saying the 'like' word to a girl is like a phobia to me! I don't think I will do that in a loooooong while.

Maybe I will start back with the first step and say hi whenever I meet her... if she still look at me, that is. Argh, cleaning up my mess is very mafan ahh...!!! >.<;

Sad...

Today she just walk by me without a hi or a bye... that's how bad our friendship has deteriorated. Or am I thinking too much again...?

The level of kindness

There's very few kind people left in this world... or I could be wrong. Not to exaggerate, but I was once what they call 'kind till come out sauce' type (sound so wrong translated). But over the years becoming a human being, I slowly adept to the cruel and harsh world called 'reality'. Where crime does not pay, kindness have no value and kind ppl end up last in line...

Sure you need kindness, but how kind will you be 'kind'? From my observation, there's a couple of kindness. Giving an example:

There's a girl carrying a lot of baggage who seem to be lost. She ask you for directions. So what will a kind person do?

Level 1 kindness
You will tell her the way in detail if you know the way, else you will say sorry cause you also don't know where and leave...

Level 2 kindness
You will tell her the way and follow her halfway, in case she doesn't know the way. If you don't know the way, you will help ask people around and take her halfway there.

Level 3 kindness
You will help take her stuff and bring her to the place without asking anything in return. If you don't know the way, you will help take her baggage and ask around then walk until the destination before returning back her baggage.

How frequent will any of us reach level 3 kindness? Rare, because we are too busy with our own 'stuffs'. Many will think 'Why should I help her so much when I don't know her?' or 'What if she's a con-woman? I better mind my own business', etc... Isn't it sad to see how the world have developed until a stage where you need to think twice before helping somebody out?

Most will think it is better not to help and let her/him be independent. Some will think helping is a waste of time and may danger themselves. Others will think kindness is only for the ones you know, not for everyone or anyone on the streets...!

I was once lvl 2 or 3, but now turned to lvl 1, sadly. I can only say that many 'bad' incidents turned me around... many people affected me to 'downgrade'... many examples that shattered my feelings. What I hate most is that kindness are always taken for granted and not appreciated, turning my heart darker and darker. How I wish I could be like my mom, who did the above in kindness level 3... but I doubt so I could. Maybe in the far future... but not anytime soon.....

Super fun Ee Fan bday celebration!

Yesterday went to school as usual... a lot of ppl skipped the class because it was early, lasted for only an hour and no more class after that. After that I joined LG class, as usual... Maybe it's a ironic twist of fate that when LG presented her photos, teacher only chooses me, which is not her classmate (anymore) to comment about their photos (it's a group project). I just said I like the 3rd photo, and she explained it was taken from Bukit Tabur (yes, I already know that, thx for explaining, haha...). It was even so coincidental that she wore a green turtle neck shirt, with her necklace sticking out... while I wore my white turtle neck shirt, and my necklace sticking out. But no one noticed it except me :P Then she was gone, without a trace.....

So after class finished, we went for breakfast. Then Robin need to take care of something in the school, so I waited in the car. Heading Daniel's advice, I took a bold step and SMS her if she's going for the karaoke later. Surprised, she couldn't go, saying she need to be back around 4-5pm to go Genting, and afraid nobody will teman her back if she go. Knowing I couldn't offer to help, I just said next time then... and the SMS stopped there >.<

So with that out of my mind, we head towards Times Square. Me, ALvin and Danny went jalan2 while the others go karaoke (tattoo boy, Robin, Ee Fan and her boy fren, Ee Chun, Spiky hair boy, quiet boy, and the guy I hate, a Kit). Actually I also wanted to sing, but then it will be Alvin and Danny all alone... so I sacrificed a bit. Thought of shopping present for Ee Fan bday and LG's Christmas present, but could not find any suitable ones. Walked to Pavilion, Alvin belanja makan JCo Donuts, then walked to Sg Wang.

Soon they joined us, and we went to the arcade center. Danny went back, afraid of traffic jam. After playing some games, head towards Times Square. Me and Robin split back home there while the others continue jalan2. Reached home around 8.30pm, siao...! After eating dinner and bath, terus prepared to go out again. This time yamcha with the same gang at Feeling Cafe.

Besides Danny, everyone was there including Yee Chen, quiet girl, Wang Tien and Ee Chun's bf. It was crazy and wacky as there was a singer promoting her album there coincidentally, and she invited Ee Fan and A Kit up the stage (and 2 more bday boy). After teasing them a bit, they were each given a poster. Later they even went to take portrait shoot of her for assignment (backstage)! lol... The gang was fun and even communicate with the later 3 singers, making it a crazy place rather than the normal and calm Feeling Cafe. After that they brought a cake, which was a Secret Recipe cake. The bad thing is, they keep using the cake to smear ppl's faces... and I was hit one time by the naughty Ee Chun! It all soon ended around 1.30am. Then, they were playing pool, so I took my leave back home. A crazy and fun day, it feels good to be young again, haha... XD

P/S: It was actually also A Kit's bday, on 14th... kns, why so near!?

A part of me is lost

Tried my best not to talk to LG or even looked at her the past 2 days. Yes, I did manage to do that, but somehow I feel a part of me is gone... I know she is looking my way, wanted me to look back at her and at least give her a smile like I usually do. But I could not... as much pain of a thousand needles, I resisted. I do not want to spark my feelings once again... I want to end it once and for all, I know I must...

Yesterday I did the first step by not attending her class like I usually do (cause I want to see her, so I will attend her class, just for fun... last time). Today I could have done the same thing, but I got some home works to do and wanted to hang out with my friends there, so I give it a try. And as expected, it was so unbearable... she sat 2 sits away from me, with no one in between, to show the teacher some stuff on her laptop. All I did was doing my own work, as hardworking as possible, to not look her way. Soon, I could not stand it anymore and stop doing my work, walked behind her and hang around the class, chatting with other friends.

Soon she finished discussing with the teacher. She had a walk, and it was past me. I did not look, not even a glimpse or a hi... and she just walked by me like a stranger. Did she try to say hi to me, I did not know... Later she left with another guy friend, and I rushed out to see her slowly moving away from the building, with the guy. As her image becomes smaller and smaller, my heart becomes lonelier and lonelier... she was out of sight, and my heart just stopped. How could I be so cruel to do this? Am I doing the right thing?? Is making her a stranger in my life ever going to heal the pain and loneliness??? I..... I....... don't know..........

Just two days and it is already killing me inside out. Two days seems like two decades... Tomorrow I decided to take a day off and concentrate on the assignments that is rushing in, and to heal my soul from this unbearable loneliness in the heart. I curse myself for being so weak, so fragile, when it comes to these feelings... Am I too immature as unable to control my feelings as I desire? Is love such a poison that will stay in me for a longer time than everyone else? How can I dispose of these... emotions? When will I turn into a man, a man that will not let love conquer him but himself?

Nobody to answer me... but this 4 empty walls..........

No more LG for me...

As sad I know I will feel in the future, I decided to avoid LG... period. Yes, we couldn't be lovers but we could be friend, but I don't know when did my feelings grew so deep, so much... in such a short time. This so 'powerful' feelings was only felt when I meet YL, never would I imagine it coming back so soon and leaving such a huge impact on me... like a bullet train ramming on a ton of bricks.

Really sad... as I was just introducing her to the gang too. Maybe later when I don't feel so down, my heart don't miss her day and night, my eyes don't want to find her everyday in the lecture hall, my mind don't generate dreams of her... maybe then, will I become good friends with her, once again.

Looking back on how we once looked at each other in the lecture hall, not knowing each other and soon becoming such good friends now... How she once was a girl that barely anyone in the class knew, and now even chased by another guy except me... And how foolish of me thinking that this could be 'the one', with an age gap of 8 years. Haha, stupid me.....

So here is one of the last moment I had with LG which was tiring, full of pain... yet worth all the money in the world to see her happy and enjoying the trip up that blasted hill call Bukit Tabur. I will not endure another one of those moments again, because it will only make my heart hunger for her more, which in the end will give me Hell of misery and loneliness, again.

Rare photo... cause I never post my pic on my blog!

I will keep myself busy to forget the pain. There's always my friends to cure my 'sickness'. And soon, time will heal me once again... Maybe it's a good thing that she isn't in my class, else it will be FAR harder for me to resist. Hope she will have a happy life with whoever she wants to be with, just don't hang out with me so often anymore. I'm sorry... I love you.

P/S: In this moment of sadness, I REALLY don't want any bad/ sarcastic/ annoying comments, especially from you Eith! And I... MEAN... IT!!!

Nice gathering for Choy Yen

Yesterday went for yamcha at 8pm++, Daniel fetch me. Didn't know that what I thought was a small yamcha to see CY that has long went to S'pore, became a big gathering. A lot of us was there, which was me, Daniel, CY, WingC, Jimmy, KHoe, Sam, Sum, Sum's GF, SG, SG's bf, CMing, YL, Ah Ming and Chean Jeat. We drank and ate at Feeling's cafe, but the tables can't fit us all. So we split into 2 groups, and YL was in the other... ><

We also play cards and joke around, hanging around as good friends. It ended around 12am, but we hang around for second round which only consist of me, Daniel, Ah Ming, Chean Jeat, YL and CMing. YL sat next to me, which makes me kinda... uncomfortable (yet happy, lol). She even knows about me bringing LG that day for karaoke, haha. Although I don't love her anymore, I still like her as a friend. Looking at her makes me forget LG, a bit... which is a good thing, cause I don't want to miss her that much anymore. Friends really can cure your sadness, haha...

Bottomline... not good, lay low, stop thinking too much.....

Life is making me mad

Since I forgot how to make the words backwards, I will put it into minimize size. Don't need to read cause it's one of those self babbling moments of my life... again. Sigh..........

Sigh... The more I try to avoid, the more I think of her. Then my heart keeps calling out her name... suddenly I'm crazy for her and want to see her immediately, as long as I could. I keep telling myself there is no way for it to happen... then my eyes starts to play tricks on me. Everywhere I look, if there's a girl who looks like her or have short hair, I would think it is her. My mind is going crazy, I have never felt like this for a long time.....

But with this two weak hands, I know I can't... No matter how hard I try, how much I did, how many times I cared, how many times I tried... it all comes to the same answer. Should I avoid her now, before I can't stand it anymore? Maybe I don't need to, cause she will avoid me herself. Taking some time off is what my friend ask me to do... but that may take another 7 years to heal. WHY... DO... I... KEEP... TORTURING... MYSELF... LIKE... THIS!?!

I wish I could pull out my heart and smash to bits the part which controls my feelings for her... I don't want to miss her, I don't want to think of her... nor do I want to love her. I want all this feelings of pain to stop... stop for once and for all... please.....!!!

Sadness comes one by one

Since after the exam, it seems like I talk to LG less and less... She doesn't look my way anymore, I need to take the initiative to always go meet her or 'bump' into her, she doesn't talk to me that much anymore... sigh, donno la. Since she DOESN'T like me, why should I even care?! And to make my day worse, while I was talking to her and trying to make her happy, she told me 'Eh, the modal one I dowan liao... you find another to be your modal ok?'

My heart was like squashed with a thousand pieces of glass shards... I keep a low voice and answered 'Ok... nvm' while doing a fake smile. Then I leave, doing my own things... how could she do this to me after all I have done for her?!? No justice, no gratefulness... only a simple 'Don't care/ Don't mind/ Don't want... BB'. How can my day be worse?!

But it DID get worse... Since I wasn't feeling well (cough and sore throat), I did a lousy presentation in the morning, LG treated me badly and FFK from being my model, I skipped a class to have lunch with my former classmates. (Yes, I'm human and I DO bad things sometimes!) It was happy to know that your friends are there for you when your heart isn't beating as happy as usual...

Suddenly when I came back for the next lecture, a friend told me that the class I skipped has actually started the second assignment. Some of the people there has already chosen their groups. Suddenly W told me that the 2 classmates that is usually in my team BETRAYED and went into her team! I was shockes... and FURIOUS. How could they do that to me!?

I went for an answer... and the so called 'friend' told me all kind of excuse, and in the end asked 'Eh, I didn't know you mind. Do you mind?' I was so F**KING pissed I thought of hitting back right at him! How will you feel if I suddenly do that to YOU!?! And I could have do that a day earlier, but didn't cause I wanted to remain faithful to the gang. And THIS is what I get in reply...

After I asked some other classmates, only did I realised that he is a selfish a**hole, who would do anything to save his own skin! Yes, I feel stupid that NOW only I realised... some say they already dislike him when they saw his face, the course rep HATED him... and now ADD ME to the list! I vowed to take revenge for this insult and mockery... one day, YOU... WILL...PAY!!!

So tell me... is my day today one of the worse days of my life, or is it not? It DEFINATELY is...! >.< T_T X_X -_-;

Nearly DIED... first try on mountain climbing

Yesterday really 'loh mheng'... I did suggested to LG to go up a hill call Bukit Tabur on my bday, but didn't know she took it seriously. It was for the landscape photography assignment. So since I SUGGESTED it, I need to see it to the end. She smsed me on Sunday, asking if the mountain climbing still on. After sms-ing here n there, confirmed ON... So after lecture at 4pm on Monday, we head towards there after fetching Daniel's bro as a 'mountain guide'...

I thought there were stairs up the hill... mana tau 100% JUNGLE and ROCKS!!! Gila babi susah!!! In 15 minute of climbing, I was already sweating like a pig... non-stop! Huffing, puffing... I know it was a bad idea to do it because of HER! I totally forgot I am not fit for mountain climbing + my ibu kaki still pain + I forget to bring water!!!

I finally bite the dust when I climbed the 75 degree slope of the mountain, full of rocks. It took all my remaining energy away... and to make it worse, as I was climbing up, I was chatting with my friend as I thought LG and Robin was far ahead. As I huff and puff, I said 'If... it's not... because of... her... then..... I would... not have... come!'. Then I looked at the top and there she was, LG, Andrew and Robin... sitting on the rocks looking at us. Totally shocked and dead tired, I asked 'Oh Shi~ Did you all heard what we were talking just now?!?' And LG replied sinisterly 'Hehehe, yala...!'. I thought of dying right that instant...!!! X(

Somehow I managed to out-live that part. As I sit on the rocks, looking down on the beautiful view and LG sitting somewhere behind me, I feel happy and relaxed, although still sweating non-stop. Soon I feel a bit of headache and nauseous, nearly think of puking too. But I shall not show my weakness, I stick it all up inside like a man... and slowly, slowly recovered. Then I told them I could not go up anymore, luckily Danny and Alvin agreed! Robin went up ahead then came back down, while I drank some of my friends water to recover myself from the headache...

We went down the same way we go up. Andrew say we have only reached 25% of the whole trip to the top... WTF!? As we head down, we took some group photos to commemorate our trip there. My whole body was really shaking and nearly fully-depleted of any energy as I go down... but LG was my 'power' to move on (and water), haha. We finally survived HELL and went back home after that. Slept at 10pm, dead tired!!

I hope she appreciate what I have done for her, for that maybe the LAST time I'm going up that freaking hill!!! >.<;

Happy Weekend has passed... thx to all that made it happened!

WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD!

Ah, the days I anticipated every year has finally ended yesterday. Last Friday I went to yamcha at night with LG at BRJ, to find Daniel and Devince (for the first time). Actually I just asked her earlier if she wants to yamcha in school, didn't know she really want and SMS me at night asking if I want to go. So since she was the one asking, I, feeling lazy, still took the motivation and go... We couldn't stay long as I was getting 'sleepy' and Sat morning I need to go for exam! Send LG back at 1am++...



Sat morning, after sleeping for 5 hours, I woke up and dad sent me to college before he goes for work. Studied a bit then took the exam in the computer lab again. This time the question were easier, thus I passed with 30/50. But since I resited the exam, max I can get is 26. Since I passed and feeling happy, I smsed LG asking if she wants to go with me to Pavilion. Earlier she shows signs of want and don't want to go, so I tried my luck and 'pushed' a bit. Eventually she give the green light, and I was happy-ier! lol...



While waiting for Daniel to fetch us, she keep saying 'Why you call me to go? I'm feeling lazy, it's a Sat, I should be sleeping and watching movies in the hostel...!' Swt betul... so young but think like that, reminds me of Daniel (again), haha. His two bro was also in the car when we took off to Sg Wang. There, Daniel went for his Japanese class while me and LG heads for Pavilion. Room 25 it is, so we went in...



Saw the gang which I missed so much (more than a month no see them liao) and Mr Eith that I didn't see for almost a year was there too (so that's the suprise Jimmy was telling me earlier). I also gave them a suprise by bringing LG along, although she is not my GF >.<... We ate and sing our hearts out, they were even so considerate to choose half English songs, half Chinese songs, instead of the usual 90% Chinese songs... LG finally sang for the first time, and I... was..... stunned. Her voice was beautiful and full of feelings, the best singer of the room! I will never get tired of listening her sing... lame, hahaha XD



They treated me the karaoke, but I feel bad for LG to pay for my part too since she already gave me a bday present earlier and need to pay for me again. I promised I will buy her a bigger present on her coming bday...! :P Anyway, after karaoke Daniel joined us and we have a scroll around Pavilion, Sg Wang and Lowyat. We stop at lowyat to yamcha and chat (although we were feeling so full from the karaoke buffet earlier, which comes with unlimited drink refills). I even called Robin to join in as LG wants it too. We chat a lot but I feel a bit envy that LG speak mostly in Mandarin to Robin and Daniel, so I chat with my other friends. I gotta kill the green monster, someday...!



Finally we split for dinner at Jalan Alor. Only me, LG, Daniel, WingC, Jimmy and SG joined as the others are busy or have their own plan. We ordered food with rice. The food was expensive, a bit tasty only and the air-cond was lousy! Totally a rip off, now I know why I seldom come here... haha. Then I feel a stomach ache coming, shouldn't have drank 4 1/2 cups of Milo in Red Box Plus!! >.<'''


After dinner we split back home. David called earlier for yamcha, so we agreed and went straight for Choice and chat the night away. I was still holding my stomach ache and the yamcha wasn't that fun for me because of the topics we were talking about (and it was in MANDARIN). Later, Daniel sent LG back and me, and then I lend his camera. A fabulous night, and it was even better with LG. She mix with the gang well too! A very 'special' good friend indeed... XD