First update of 2015

So long no touched my blog. Been busy with work and all. Started working in a new company since September last month, and still working here... with no confirmation letter in sight (although he told me confirmed already by words of mouth). Tried to join Robb's company but the company is crazy strict and requirements are damn high. I tried for the BM one, failed. Then I thought I could get the America gy one, also failed. With my standard of English also failed, I can see why there is still so many vacancy left in his office. Those that have 'superior' English skill won't even think of working as a customer service, lol... Oh well, at least I tried.

Life has been up and down for me, so far... as usual. Yup it still gets boring sometimes but I am glad I am able to accompany my parents here. A big sacrifice but I'm ok. Worked 6 months plus and already got a car and some cash in my bank account, more than my 2 bros I think, lol. Still missing YL whenever my mind is free, though starting to accept more than she's married and there's no point missing someone who doesn't miss nor give a damn about you (insert emo guy here). Stupid brain...

Slowly I feel into the trap of humanity. I thought I could live a life that is free from the norms of mankind, but no... I still fell into the trap nevertheless. I couldn't follow my dreams, I have responsibilities to bear, my legs are bounded and my hands attached... all I can do is dream. Dream is all I have left while continuing my life as a robot of society. I wonder if I there really is a red pill... and if faced with the situation, will I really swallow that red pill?

Love and life

So I started my new life here in Pg. It was very sudden at first, with only 2 weeks for me to prepare my new work life in another country. But I know I cant delay this anymore, and with her gotten married with another man, I can rest assured she will be in good hands and not in my heart anymore... or so I thought.

Work life is not as scary or hard as I thought. Everyday seems like a new challenge, with new colleges and thinking of where to eat (I love to eat, haha). Changed work place from an office to a house office (waiting for new workplace to fully renovate). And the boss is friendly too (dont even need to call them mr or sir). With not too much headache and getting paid while doing work is not bad at all. I even booked a car, my OWN car. How cool is that? Last week bought a 3ds game worth 180. Expensive but I dont feel it that much... cause I have MONEY, baby! Uh oh, I think I'm starting to have a problem that most adults have... money power problem. Comes with the territory.

YL just gave birth to a baby boy last 2 weeks I think... or 1 week. That reminds me, during her bday (this year), I smsed her and wish her happy birthday through sms. No reply, as I expected. Not even a thanks. Then Daniel, who was with me then at McD, also smsed her. He got a reply! Wtf...!? Now I know how much my friendship is 'worth' with YL... near to zero!

Why am I still so mad at her for something so trivial? F**K it, I thought starting my work life will forget her, not power it up! Maybe it's true... when you want to forget something, the harder you try, the more you will remember. The only way to forget is accept it and make it a part of yourself. Then it will slowly merge with your feelings and you will not remember it that much anymore. Why cant I accept that she's married with another, like what happened to YLin? I can forget YLin, so why not her?!? Argh... looks like this poison is more serious than I thought.....

Words of wisdom?

Saw a words of wisdom on FB today. It wrote:

If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe that person is meant to stay there.

Hmm... is that why YL still lingers in my mind no matter how hard I try to shake it out of my thick skull? Sigh... Get a hold of yourself, damnit! The feeling of wanting somebody is just to... irresistible. Bloody painful, bloody true!

Lonely girl?

Went to the morning market with my mom just now. While following her, suddenly I saw a girl. She is not too young nor too old, maybe around her 20's or 30's. What makes her different is that she is... tall. Very tall, even taller than David. She somehow looks... sweet, yet... missing something. Then it hits me... is she lonely? Tall girls usually are avoided by guys, sadly. Is she one of them?

Then it hits me back... why am I thinking for her, a complete stranger? Do I see myself in her? Lonely... sometimes it hits the heart. Sad but truthfully painful... sometimes.....

CNY 2014

Yesterday was a happy and enjoyable day. Went out with Jimmy, Wingc, SG, WF, Oon, CM, Ylin and of course... YLing. Went for lunch and gambled at WF's place. The most happiest thing is getting 2 ang pows from YLing... but it's also a bit sad cause it means she's married. She wasn't 'cheap' too (like some ppl who gives very little ang pow money or will even run away from giving one) as her angpow is rm5 each. I'm happy that she has a good life... maybe. A cheapskate husband wont give that much... or is it her own decision? Ah, there I go, thinking too much again... haha.

Looks like my feelings for her is still there. Because I see myself looking at her when I got the chance... glimpsing at her how she got a little bit more 'meaty' (pls dont go fat!)... how nice she looks in her green skirt... how happy I feel, deep inside whenever I see her... how I missed her face and smile... how fun it is to tease her or call her name... how tingly I feel when she call mine. Yes... all these little things still makes me so happy even though she's married to the guy she love. Oh well, I guess a 10 years love is hard to shake off in just a year. I am still happy she's happy... just that I missed her... everything about her.

Yes, I need to get my acts together to totally forget about her. To the movies, today!

A new beginning?

YL posted a few pics on fb just now... it's rare for her to be online on fb, let alone post pics. Whenever she post pics of herself last time, the first thing I do is to scroll and take a look at all the pics... admiring which pic makes her the most attractive of all. Then I will save some (or all) of the pics, in case I want to see them again and she deleted it, which she don't.

But weird thing is... this time, I didnt scroll at all her pics. I just have an overall view of all her new pics and just see where she's been and how she looked. She looks a bit different... a bit skinnier and somehow... not that cute compared to last time. The most weird thing of all is... I don't want to save even one of her new pics. Wh... what happened to me?!? The reason I didnt save her pic was because... I hate her? No, I dont. I think the best explanation is because... I'm starting to let her go, for real this time. It's a good sign for the new year. The feeling that has been kept inside for so long... can finally be released.

Before long, I will totally forget her from my heart. Sadness will slowly be replaced with something better. Let's hope it's soon...

Wish her happiness with her new life

Ah... while I was busy with magic competitions last week, without realizing... she actually got married on the weekends. I get to know this on Sat, but there's nothing can be done as her wedding banquet is a closed one. So the girl that I loved for more than... 13 years, is finally getting married. I wish her happiness and wealth, the things that I couldn't give her... I truly do.

No tears are wept this time, maybe as I have already get ready for this moment years ago. The pain in the heart is still there, but I know it will slowly disappear like how it did with ylin. I just need to concentrate on my life and let her live her new one, happily. I will miss seeing her smile and wish it will be mine, I will miss missing her, I will miss her for being 'her'... yes, these nice and sometimes uncomfortable feelings will slowly dissipate with time. I don't know when but I hope it will be soon.

Goodbye YLing... this maybe the last post that I will ever write about you. Without her, a big part of this blog will be gone, undoubtedly. But the final candle has finished it's job and time to turn on the lights instead. I love you and wish you a happy life with the one you love, YLing... Watashi wa sayōnara, anata o aishite

Words of wisdom

"It is not a question of do I love you or not, but what is important is that he will be able to give you happiness and financial stability for your rest of your life. I know I couldn't."

Passing time

Slowly but surely, keeping myself busy so I won't wonder my mind over to 'her' again. Today while I was surfing facebook, I somehow got redirected to a comic strip blog, which I seen before and is very entertaining. Then they were having some kind of 'meet up' with other comic strip blogger, so I visited some of them. One of them was... how can I say... an 'emo blog', like mine haha. Anyway, the comic was simple, short but the message was clear. And I unexpectedly clicked and look at some of his older comics, which shows that his comic strips was not bad!

Hmmm... have thought of this before but never really make it into a reality, but I want to make a comic strip too. Rather than just typing my feelings into my blog, I can draw it out for people to see and maybe entertain them too, haha. I know because 'reality sells', especially when its real and from your own life experience. But how ah... draw on pen and paper, scan, color then post into blog? Or draw from comp straight and color from there (I think need the com pen thingy). Somehow feel motivated but also feels lazy... scare will just be a waste of time since not much ppl visit my blog anyway, haha. Wait... I think should make a new blog so ppl can't see my private blog in here. Don't want the whole world to know about me and YL, do we?

Will have a long and deep thinking about this... if it is to be good, it needs to be updated regularly, which I'm scared will not be easy doing it alone. Who wants in? Lol... stupid idea really, but I like to draw (even if my drawing sucks). Will try to make one next week. Must... remember!

P/S: YL, I know you are not watching this, but I just want to say... "aishiteru"

The new beginning

Weird... the first person who cared and asked what makes me sad last night was Robb, a fellow magic player, rather than my other close friends. Maybe they didn't know it... or didn't care, I don't know. The sadness is still lingering inside... sometimes I have flashback of how it was we first meet. Sometimes the feeling of regret comes back. But I somehow manage to keep it all under control... which I couldn't, the last time when I was courting YLin. Is it a sign that I have grown up... or is it a sign that my feelings is not so strong for her anymore?

Last night I heard she will be marrying him 'behind closed doors'. WHAT!? She... and she agreed to that!?! Argh... that is so... not right! She deserves better than that. She deserves a wedding banquet, where she will be the main attraction of that night, her night. People will be able to see her in the most beautiful dress she will ever wear in her life, her wedding dress. But... but now all of that is not done, and she doesn't mind of that at all. A part of me is angry at the cheapskate boyfriend... but another part of me is in love with her even more, because there is rarely a girl who will do that for her future husband. She is so 'cincai', it makes me love her even more. Haha... what a joke. I didn't know she will be so 'cincai' till her wedding also like that. Way opposite of Daniel's gf, I must say... which is spreading like a 'disease' among girls nowadays, sigh.

But I can't blame 100% on her... cause the 'bf' is also like that. So 'cincai' and anti social (even more than me) that we haven't seen him even ONCE. Maybe not even after she is married! So the love of my life's husband is a 'geek'... sad but actually I don't want to see him in person either. It may make me hate him even more, even though I never seen him before, lol. I heard he's not that good looking either, so I REALLY have no intention of seeing him.

I hope and pray to God that I will at least be able to see her wedding pictures, where she will be the most beautiful princess in her life... and mine. I don't care if it sounds weird or desperate, it is my way of admiring her beauty for one...last... time, before she is officially someone's else wife.

But after all these years of loving YL secretly from the shadows, there is somethings that I learned. I learned that people can still be happy watching their love one having a happy life from afar, even for many many years, and it doesn't happen only happen in movies or mangas. I learned to be stronger, for myself and for her, even if she doesn't know or care about it. I learned that love is something that could be so beautiful like a diamond, so ugly like a witch and so 'cincai' like... YL. I learned that it is ok to love someone one-sidedly for many years and still be good friends, as long as you can control your emotions like a boss. I learned that I prefer to be alone and single till I die, if I dont find someone I love so much and so deeply like YL and definitely will not be 'queen controlled', no matter how much I love her because I know that if she will do that to me, it shows that she doesn't love me as much as I do for her (as I will not do that to her too).

It takes a lot of effort, pain, tears and time to really find the person you want to live with for the rest of your life, I know. Love is subjective and different from people to people, I know. Love is blind and there is no real explanation why he/she is so stupid enough to sacrifice so much for him/her, I know. Love changes you or may even turn you into something you despise before, I know. There are many things I learned about love from my own experience and from other people in my life, I know.

So from all the things that I have learned and now knew about, what can I do when the girl I love the most is going to get married? I will... (try) to stop loving from afar. I will... be happy for her and wish her the best in with her future husband. I will... let time heal my wounds. I will... find another girl worthy of my love and I will love her more than I did with YL. And I will first do so by concentrating on finding a job first and saving money.

People say that the mind is a strange and fickle thing. When you keep yourself busy, you will eventually forget about everything that you only think of when you are free. Undeniably true! So from now onward, I will try to keep myself busy. I know one day, my love for YL will become just another part of the pages of my life... a sweet memory. Goodbye YL... thank you for being a part... of my life......

Sadness knows no boundaries

4 moths plus have passed, wow... what have happened to me these 4 months? One good thing is I passed my final paper, the FYP. I was unlucky that my group of 4, which at first looks like a good group and I was so glad to be in it, suddenly changed into a 2 person group. 1 of them wanted to stop studying because of 'no money' or 'no mood to study anymore', whichever his reason is. The second is the girl accidentally failed her paper, which resulted in her cannot taking the FYP (shit!). Anywaaaay, fortunately the girl decided to help us in finding ppl to act in our short movie, which changed AGAIN due to the lack of ppl suddenly. People used 6 months plus to plan and shoot. We used TWO, boy... that was the shit!

To make matter worse, the 1 person in my group, was feeling 'down'... somehow 'cocky' imho. Why? Because he 'dares' to talk back to a lecturer, which is NOT good, no matter how shitty the lecturer is. Finally I realized he don't care if the project fails or not, because he doesn't NEED to get the adv dip as he got jobs already. Then Why The Tuut You Took The FYP In The First Place, You Dimwit!!??!

Fine... I take it all in. It all boils down to me. If I dont push it, the FYP is as good as D.E.A.D. And I dont want that to happen as it will waste another year of my life. So F*** that shit, I tried to push and push. Done most of the job myself. Finally passed up the video to the lecturer. I was f**king scared that I will fail, cause I honestly feel its a piece of shit myself. But like a beam of light from the heavens, the lecturer and other ppl from outside who came to judge, didn't really tuut my movie that much! And in the end, we PASSED!!! My God... that was one of the happiest day of my life, I tell you! Can't believe it... and to make it better, the girl who helped us, the teacher planned to give her a pass too. Congrats!! It feels so good when your hard work finally pays off and helped a person on the way too, haha...

Back to what happened just now, 29th of June. It has been a long time since I meet my Tarc friends. They were busy, I was busy with Magic, so it kind of stretched to a month or 2 since we meet. These few months have make me miss her so much, as usual. But finally when we meet, the bomb fell on me. Yes... the thing that I feared most has finally arrived. YL is planning to get married.

I... was... stunned...... It felt like... my world suddenly turned black. The love of my life... finally getting married. Although I know it would happen, but when it really happen... it really takes a part of my life away. One of the saddest moment in my life, yet I have to pretend nothing has happened and chit chat with them all the way that night. My heart was weeping... my mind is confused... my soul has shattered... my feelings has fall down, deep into the abyss..... It was a night where I thought I can see her again. I did, and it turned out to be the night that I will forever lose her from my heart. YL, I love you... and I hope you all the happiness in the world with him. If he ever makes you cry, I will find him. And I will kill him...

Words can't describe how much pain I am suffering right now. My tears are dry, I could not weep... why? Am I still self denying this fact? Is the pain so big, that it strikes me with too much of an impact that I feel no sadness anymore? No... the sadness is still there, but it is not bursting out... yet. I dont know why, but I have accepted this cruel fact. Now all I want to do is do well in finding a job and forgetting her, which undoubtedly takes a very, very, very long time. 13 years of love... how long will it takes to disappear? I am scared to think about it anymore. I don't want anymore tears flowing for a person who doesn't love me, again. I really will... miss her....... Goodbye YL, my love.............................