CNY 2014

Yesterday was a happy and enjoyable day. Went out with Jimmy, Wingc, SG, WF, Oon, CM, Ylin and of course... YLing. Went for lunch and gambled at WF's place. The most happiest thing is getting 2 ang pows from YLing... but it's also a bit sad cause it means she's married. She wasn't 'cheap' too (like some ppl who gives very little ang pow money or will even run away from giving one) as her angpow is rm5 each. I'm happy that she has a good life... maybe. A cheapskate husband wont give that much... or is it her own decision? Ah, there I go, thinking too much again... haha.

Looks like my feelings for her is still there. Because I see myself looking at her when I got the chance... glimpsing at her how she got a little bit more 'meaty' (pls dont go fat!)... how nice she looks in her green skirt... how happy I feel, deep inside whenever I see her... how I missed her face and smile... how fun it is to tease her or call her name... how tingly I feel when she call mine. Yes... all these little things still makes me so happy even though she's married to the guy she love. Oh well, I guess a 10 years love is hard to shake off in just a year. I am still happy she's happy... just that I missed her... everything about her.

Yes, I need to get my acts together to totally forget about her. To the movies, today!

A new beginning?

YL posted a few pics on fb just now... it's rare for her to be online on fb, let alone post pics. Whenever she post pics of herself last time, the first thing I do is to scroll and take a look at all the pics... admiring which pic makes her the most attractive of all. Then I will save some (or all) of the pics, in case I want to see them again and she deleted it, which she don't.

But weird thing is... this time, I didnt scroll at all her pics. I just have an overall view of all her new pics and just see where she's been and how she looked. She looks a bit different... a bit skinnier and somehow... not that cute compared to last time. The most weird thing of all is... I don't want to save even one of her new pics. Wh... what happened to me?!? The reason I didnt save her pic was because... I hate her? No, I dont. I think the best explanation is because... I'm starting to let her go, for real this time. It's a good sign for the new year. The feeling that has been kept inside for so long... can finally be released.

Before long, I will totally forget her from my heart. Sadness will slowly be replaced with something better. Let's hope it's soon...

Wish her happiness with her new life

Ah... while I was busy with magic competitions last week, without realizing... she actually got married on the weekends. I get to know this on Sat, but there's nothing can be done as her wedding banquet is a closed one. So the girl that I loved for more than... 13 years, is finally getting married. I wish her happiness and wealth, the things that I couldn't give her... I truly do.

No tears are wept this time, maybe as I have already get ready for this moment years ago. The pain in the heart is still there, but I know it will slowly disappear like how it did with ylin. I just need to concentrate on my life and let her live her new one, happily. I will miss seeing her smile and wish it will be mine, I will miss missing her, I will miss her for being 'her'... yes, these nice and sometimes uncomfortable feelings will slowly dissipate with time. I don't know when but I hope it will be soon.

Goodbye YLing... this maybe the last post that I will ever write about you. Without her, a big part of this blog will be gone, undoubtedly. But the final candle has finished it's job and time to turn on the lights instead. I love you and wish you a happy life with the one you love, YLing... Watashi wa sayōnara, anata o aishite

Words of wisdom

"It is not a question of do I love you or not, but what is important is that he will be able to give you happiness and financial stability for your rest of your life. I know I couldn't."

Passing time

Slowly but surely, keeping myself busy so I won't wonder my mind over to 'her' again. Today while I was surfing facebook, I somehow got redirected to a comic strip blog, which I seen before and is very entertaining. Then they were having some kind of 'meet up' with other comic strip blogger, so I visited some of them. One of them was... how can I say... an 'emo blog', like mine haha. Anyway, the comic was simple, short but the message was clear. And I unexpectedly clicked and look at some of his older comics, which shows that his comic strips was not bad!

Hmmm... have thought of this before but never really make it into a reality, but I want to make a comic strip too. Rather than just typing my feelings into my blog, I can draw it out for people to see and maybe entertain them too, haha. I know because 'reality sells', especially when its real and from your own life experience. But how ah... draw on pen and paper, scan, color then post into blog? Or draw from comp straight and color from there (I think need the com pen thingy). Somehow feel motivated but also feels lazy... scare will just be a waste of time since not much ppl visit my blog anyway, haha. Wait... I think should make a new blog so ppl can't see my private blog in here. Don't want the whole world to know about me and YL, do we?

Will have a long and deep thinking about this... if it is to be good, it needs to be updated regularly, which I'm scared will not be easy doing it alone. Who wants in? Lol... stupid idea really, but I like to draw (even if my drawing sucks). Will try to make one next week. Must... remember!

P/S: YL, I know you are not watching this, but I just want to say... "aishiteru"

The new beginning

Weird... the first person who cared and asked what makes me sad last night was Robb, a fellow magic player, rather than my other close friends. Maybe they didn't know it... or didn't care, I don't know. The sadness is still lingering inside... sometimes I have flashback of how it was we first meet. Sometimes the feeling of regret comes back. But I somehow manage to keep it all under control... which I couldn't, the last time when I was courting YLin. Is it a sign that I have grown up... or is it a sign that my feelings is not so strong for her anymore?

Last night I heard she will be marrying him 'behind closed doors'. WHAT!? She... and she agreed to that!?! Argh... that is so... not right! She deserves better than that. She deserves a wedding banquet, where she will be the main attraction of that night, her night. People will be able to see her in the most beautiful dress she will ever wear in her life, her wedding dress. But... but now all of that is not done, and she doesn't mind of that at all. A part of me is angry at the cheapskate boyfriend... but another part of me is in love with her even more, because there is rarely a girl who will do that for her future husband. She is so 'cincai', it makes me love her even more. Haha... what a joke. I didn't know she will be so 'cincai' till her wedding also like that. Way opposite of Daniel's gf, I must say... which is spreading like a 'disease' among girls nowadays, sigh.

But I can't blame 100% on her... cause the 'bf' is also like that. So 'cincai' and anti social (even more than me) that we haven't seen him even ONCE. Maybe not even after she is married! So the love of my life's husband is a 'geek'... sad but actually I don't want to see him in person either. It may make me hate him even more, even though I never seen him before, lol. I heard he's not that good looking either, so I REALLY have no intention of seeing him.

I hope and pray to God that I will at least be able to see her wedding pictures, where she will be the most beautiful princess in her life... and mine. I don't care if it sounds weird or desperate, it is my way of admiring her beauty for one...last... time, before she is officially someone's else wife.

But after all these years of loving YL secretly from the shadows, there is somethings that I learned. I learned that people can still be happy watching their love one having a happy life from afar, even for many many years, and it doesn't happen only happen in movies or mangas. I learned to be stronger, for myself and for her, even if she doesn't know or care about it. I learned that love is something that could be so beautiful like a diamond, so ugly like a witch and so 'cincai' like... YL. I learned that it is ok to love someone one-sidedly for many years and still be good friends, as long as you can control your emotions like a boss. I learned that I prefer to be alone and single till I die, if I dont find someone I love so much and so deeply like YL and definitely will not be 'queen controlled', no matter how much I love her because I know that if she will do that to me, it shows that she doesn't love me as much as I do for her (as I will not do that to her too).

It takes a lot of effort, pain, tears and time to really find the person you want to live with for the rest of your life, I know. Love is subjective and different from people to people, I know. Love is blind and there is no real explanation why he/she is so stupid enough to sacrifice so much for him/her, I know. Love changes you or may even turn you into something you despise before, I know. There are many things I learned about love from my own experience and from other people in my life, I know.

So from all the things that I have learned and now knew about, what can I do when the girl I love the most is going to get married? I will... (try) to stop loving from afar. I will... be happy for her and wish her the best in with her future husband. I will... let time heal my wounds. I will... find another girl worthy of my love and I will love her more than I did with YL. And I will first do so by concentrating on finding a job first and saving money.

People say that the mind is a strange and fickle thing. When you keep yourself busy, you will eventually forget about everything that you only think of when you are free. Undeniably true! So from now onward, I will try to keep myself busy. I know one day, my love for YL will become just another part of the pages of my life... a sweet memory. Goodbye YL... thank you for being a part... of my life......

Sadness knows no boundaries

4 moths plus have passed, wow... what have happened to me these 4 months? One good thing is I passed my final paper, the FYP. I was unlucky that my group of 4, which at first looks like a good group and I was so glad to be in it, suddenly changed into a 2 person group. 1 of them wanted to stop studying because of 'no money' or 'no mood to study anymore', whichever his reason is. The second is the girl accidentally failed her paper, which resulted in her cannot taking the FYP (shit!). Anywaaaay, fortunately the girl decided to help us in finding ppl to act in our short movie, which changed AGAIN due to the lack of ppl suddenly. People used 6 months plus to plan and shoot. We used TWO, boy... that was the shit!

To make matter worse, the 1 person in my group, was feeling 'down'... somehow 'cocky' imho. Why? Because he 'dares' to talk back to a lecturer, which is NOT good, no matter how shitty the lecturer is. Finally I realized he don't care if the project fails or not, because he doesn't NEED to get the adv dip as he got jobs already. Then Why The Tuut You Took The FYP In The First Place, You Dimwit!!??!

Fine... I take it all in. It all boils down to me. If I dont push it, the FYP is as good as D.E.A.D. And I dont want that to happen as it will waste another year of my life. So F*** that shit, I tried to push and push. Done most of the job myself. Finally passed up the video to the lecturer. I was f**king scared that I will fail, cause I honestly feel its a piece of shit myself. But like a beam of light from the heavens, the lecturer and other ppl from outside who came to judge, didn't really tuut my movie that much! And in the end, we PASSED!!! My God... that was one of the happiest day of my life, I tell you! Can't believe it... and to make it better, the girl who helped us, the teacher planned to give her a pass too. Congrats!! It feels so good when your hard work finally pays off and helped a person on the way too, haha...

Back to what happened just now, 29th of June. It has been a long time since I meet my Tarc friends. They were busy, I was busy with Magic, so it kind of stretched to a month or 2 since we meet. These few months have make me miss her so much, as usual. But finally when we meet, the bomb fell on me. Yes... the thing that I feared most has finally arrived. YL is planning to get married.

I... was... stunned...... It felt like... my world suddenly turned black. The love of my life... finally getting married. Although I know it would happen, but when it really happen... it really takes a part of my life away. One of the saddest moment in my life, yet I have to pretend nothing has happened and chit chat with them all the way that night. My heart was weeping... my mind is confused... my soul has shattered... my feelings has fall down, deep into the abyss..... It was a night where I thought I can see her again. I did, and it turned out to be the night that I will forever lose her from my heart. YL, I love you... and I hope you all the happiness in the world with him. If he ever makes you cry, I will find him. And I will kill him...

Words can't describe how much pain I am suffering right now. My tears are dry, I could not weep... why? Am I still self denying this fact? Is the pain so big, that it strikes me with too much of an impact that I feel no sadness anymore? No... the sadness is still there, but it is not bursting out... yet. I dont know why, but I have accepted this cruel fact. Now all I want to do is do well in finding a job and forgetting her, which undoubtedly takes a very, very, very long time. 13 years of love... how long will it takes to disappear? I am scared to think about it anymore. I don't want anymore tears flowing for a person who doesn't love me, again. I really will... miss her....... Goodbye YL, my love.............................

Blogging is not yet... dead??

Wow... 6 months no post. I'm amazed blogging still exists, lol. Practically what I always do last 2 years (blogging) now turns to Facebook-ing. The only reason why I post this time is just to paste an interesting article which I saw from the internet, to remind me myself, not to be as honest as I was, last time. Cause let's be true to ourselves, honest ppl doesn't survive anymore in this society. It a sad and sickening truth, and I learned it the hard way. Still I'm trying to be as honest as possible, most of the time. When I don't, you know it's because I'm FORCED to. Let's read on:

WHAT WILL HONESTY GET YOU?

#1: PEOPLE WILL STOP SPEAKING TO YOU

Forget personal branding. Start to dip your toes into personal  honesty. Let me tell you what will happen. Your family might stop speaking to you.
I have experienced this not just from myself but all of the bloggers I  consider “honest bloggers”. Some of your friends will also stop speaking to you. Some of your colleagues will avoid you. Some investors will shun you. Your personal “network” will transform and shift.

My own personal motto is: honesty to a point. I will never harm anyone. I believe in what Buddha said to his son Rahula the day after he showed upafter abandoning his son for 7 years: before, during, and even AFTER you say something, make sure it doesn’t hurt anyone.

But even despite that rule, people will stop speaking to you because not every hurt you can control. Historical is hysterical for many people.

#2 PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF

The next thing that will happen is people will ask “are you killing yourself?” Because every blog post almost seems like a suicide note. 

#3 PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE CRAZY

Then people will send emails to your friends, “is he as crazy as he  sounds?” And that’s how I make friends now because introductions will be  made and people will have to find out for themselves.

#4 PEOPLE WILL GET FRIGHTENED

So they will call you names. Oh, that guy is just trying to be a  “contrarian”, for instance. Or an “idiot”. Or worse. I’ve been called  everything. I had to call the Brown University Public Safety office the  other day because I got emailed a death threat and the guy didn’t think I  could track him. The guy was a senior and had also apparently  threatened the life of a librarian there.

They need to understand why you are telling the truth. Why you are  being honest about what you really think. In meetings at the office  everyone is quiet. You’re not supposed to speak up. So people will  dislike you, try to put you down, post comments, whatever. In many cases (but not all) these are what I call “crappy people”. And here’s how to deal with them. 

#5 PEOPLE WILL FIND YOU ENTERTAINING

Then finally, people will come back to you. Because you’re  entertaining – if 20000 people are lying and only 1 person is telling  the truth then that 1 person is going to stand taller than anyone. At  first people will come back to you for voyeuristic reasons. Why? Because they know if they watch Real Housewives they aren’t watching anything “Real” and they aren’t watching “Housewives”. But you’re real. So they want to know what you’ll do next.

#6 PEOPLE WILL TRUST YOUR ADVICE

People will also come back for advice. Not always because they agree  with you. But because they know the advice is coming from the heart and  not because there is anything for sale. It’s like Google can’t cure  anything. But they can direct you to all the people who can. So you go  back to Google because you might not always find what you want but at  least you know they are trying hard to direct you to the right place.

We’ve all hidden our failures in dark comets orbiting the peripheral  edges  of the solar system, where the sun is dark and faded. But when  someone brings their orbit close  to the sun we want to land there for a  brief moment and see if actual living conditions exist. And if so, then  maybe a small settlement can be formed, advice can be asked, a failure  can be related to, a friendship can be formed.

#7 YOU BECOME FREE

At first we hug our boundaries in chains. We think “if we tell the girl we like her, she might not like me back”. We think, “If I say I like this candidate, my friends might hate me.” If I say X, everyone else might say Y. And so on. But more and more we start to feel where those boundaries are and we push them out. We push them further and further away from ourselves. Until finally they are so far away it’s as  if they don’t exist at all. You don’t need money for that. Or a big house. Or a fancy degree or car. Every day, just push out those boundaries a little further.

We reach for that freedom. We never truly get there. We’re always striving to see how far they can go, just like a little child with her parents. But eventually, the boundaries are so far away we begin to feel the pleasures of true freedom.

And it feels good.


The article above I get it from http://jamesaltucher.quora.com, which I get from... u know it, FB. I wonder what will happen in the next 2 years? Will FB still be the 'in' thing? Only time can tell...

Dead blog!?

Omg... so long didn't update blog liao, last one was in February!? Wow... how time flies! Many things have happened in the past few months... Good ones, sad ones, happy ones, bad ones... most of the time is bad, but I try to keep my hopes up and live life as much as possible before I die, as best as I can.

Forgotten what month already but I tried to go for an interview in TARC for the post of admin. I thought there was a light of hope when they called me for an interview there. I was damn nervous while waiting in the room for my turn (only 1 girl before me). But sadly the one interviewed me was an old hag... keep asking me this and that as what I did for all the times wasted earlier (yes I know I'm not young anymore, so what!?). In the end dunno gave me an excuse or really their policy, saying they can't hire somebody who is still studying in the college, as I am waiting to repeat my FYP. The feeling of rejection wasn't nice, as expected. It's like I felled off a 12 floor building... splat! But I again keep up a positive attitude, and just live on life and push my troubles behind me.

So spent most of the time doing my bro's lawyer transcription thingy, which earns me really little. But at least for the first time I dont need to take any pocket money from my parents. Lately it gets even less and I couldn't bear it anymore, need to take some pocket money back else I really cant survive, damn...!

Watched a lot of manga and some animes lately, cause got so much time in my hands. One thing I learned from those are that life is always full of downs, although more ups in virtue life. So what can we do to go on with this hardship called life? Just do your best, life happily and with no regrets. I don't care if I suddenly die tomorrow, because I know I have done what I want to do with my life, and the future are extras in my 'what I want to do with my life' book. The world is getting too crazy, hard and brutal. I wonder when will the world really destroy itself, if they keep messing up like this?

A lot of news of ppl getting rob in bright daylight. Worse is it happens in public or at the most safe/un-thought of places. Damn they're brave! Ppl can't help the victims as they scare they will fall victim to them too, as some ppl died helping others in the news. Wish I can be Superman and whack kao all these suckers into jail for hurting or even killing ppl, just to get quick cash! Damn it, this world sucks!!!

Another 1 thing I learned is 'if you dont have a big head, dont wear a big hat'. It means we should only do whatever we can, not overdoing it. Like ppl who doesn't earn much but go on buying expensive items. Are they called shopaholics or just damn spoiled!? They should just be left alone without any help, thus eventually will lose their spending urge, or go bankrupt for not paying their credit cards, haha. All ppl have their own weaknesses, I know... cause I too got many weaknesses. But if you dont solve it yourself, nobody can help you, even if they try. Cause the main power is in your own hands! Not only shopaholics, but also drug addicts, bullies, rapist, murderer, thieves, etc...

I'm getting more and more philosophical lately, haha. Been playing much magic, and lately got into an argument with andy cause I was trying to help make more house rules, suitable for new players. But I got blamed and he deleted me from the McD magic group, then sendiri left my fb group. Then got the nerve to tell Razif I deleted him, big fat stinking liar! F**k him, I don't want a stupid fake liar as my friend. Lucky I noticed it earlier than later. He was a gangster in the first place too (knows a lot of bad friends). Better stay away from this kind of ppl else will drag me down with him one day!

I am very frank, and very truthful. If it's not nice, I will say it's not nice. I may upset a few ppl, but if they can't accept my truthfulness and rather I lie to them, then good riddance to you. Cause I dont want any fake friends either! I want long lasting, good and real friends. Those that will be with me through ups and downs, as I will for them. I will not use them, neither will them to me. That is why I kicked some fake friends away from my life... because my life will be much better without a few rotten apples to ruin it for me. If they turned for the better, I will accept them back. But if they remain the same, asta la vista baby!

Whenever I got free time and feel lonely, I will think of her, yes... yling, again. But luckily I kept myself busy with magic, games, FB and houseworks. The feeling of missing her, the pain of not having her, still lingers around... Stop it mind! Stop it heart! Somebody ask them to get married, fast!!! ><''

Finally got the call from Jimmy... thank God they ok, cause keep calling them but no answer. The plan is delayed but still on, so now going to celebrate WingC bday! Adios~! XD

Valentines Day 2012

Ah, another Valentine day spent alone... not entirely alone cause I got my new XBOX 360 d, mwahahaha! Anyway, last week I went for wedding with my best friends from TARC. Two cars went there, which is driven by Sam and CM. Sam's car got me, Oon and SG while CM's car got Jimmy, WingC, YLing. First we meet up at the Jalan Ipoh famous dim sum area. Then we started our journey for Sophiya's wedding lunch. Went early to find the place by GPS. Found it liao then went for yamcha at a nearby mamak.

We did a mistake by eating too much for breakfast and thus did not eat a lot for the wedding lunch. The food was ok, and most of us only pau RM60 cause kampung area + we need travel so far + no wedding card + not that 'close'. Wow, need to take these into considerations when pau the next wedding lunch/dinner, haha.

Finish d then we went to pray a bit at a nearby small temple which is just nearby the restaurant. Then did some 'chau jim' and I asked for relationship question. The paper I got said something about me pretending to be a hero and need to buckle up more in order to get one. I got pretend to be hero meh!? But the second one was right... sigh! T_T

Then took some photos with Sophiya before heading back. Thought of going for a short Dota session but Oon need to be back early, thus we all headed back then. Sad... A fun filled day with my friends nevertheless.

Now on the story of YL... it's the first time I think I meet up with YL this year, and to confirm it I asked Sam and he said yeah. No wonder feels like a thousand years didn't meet her liao. Then when we sat down on the table in Sophiya's wedding lunch, I did not expect her to sit next to me, which makes me even more happy, haha. SG and CM sit next table as YLin's son and maid occupied liao the table. Good for them, hehe... XD

Anyway regardless to say, although we just sit next to each other, my heart is far from reaching her. The happiest moment was when she sits near to my side when taking pictures. Not VERY near, just nearer, but enough to make me happy for a long while, haha. We did talk more than usual and Sam beside me helps me to gain courage in making conversations with her. Damn I miss her so much deep inside, more than I thought I would. F*** it, stop feeling like this la! Get married soon YL and kill this feeling I have for you for so long, PLEASE! It's killing me!! T_T

Happy SAD To All! (Single Awareness Day, haha)

The first post of the year!

Wow, so long didnt blog liao... maybe busy with life, that's why... haha. These couple of week have been going out a lot with the TARC gang, which is nice as staying at home playing LOL is not healthy. But it also means my pocket money is going thin! Luckily I got some extra cash from working with my bro else really cannot support going out, eating, yamchaing and most of all... Magic! Yup, the pre-release has passed, which is on the weekend of CNY week, walao. Got some nice mystics and rares but not exp ones. Overall ok but my bro rugi. Razif n Kel Veen most untung, haha...

Let's talk about CNY this year 1st. This new year has been good and bad. Bad I don't want to mention here la... good is we got an increment of 300% from our angpows from our parents, woohoo! RM300 baby, that's a lot for 3 of us! Thus with the new TV from last year, it is time to upgrade our video game console to... XBOX 360! Really wanted to buy PS3 but with no/rare pirated copies now, better buy XBOX 360 to save cost. If all goes well, will be taking the XBOX (buying second hand) from Jimmy tonight.

But this year CNY never seen YL before... either she balik kampung or busy. Sad to say she is now back to her old self. Doesn't reply sms and lazy to come out yamcha with us. Soon I won't even have the energy to ask her yamcha anymore. Why? Because I hate people who doesn't answer my sms whether they going or not. Not going also must reply! If you lazy, then I will also lazy to ask you out next time. I sms to A LOT while you only sms to ME. If 1 also you cannot handle than the same goes to me for you. Mr Daniel you also one of them! >(

Miss her that is why I'm mad? Haha... maybe. Well, counting back... its been 9 years that I loved her, secretly. She having a bf now is slowly making me forget her, but a 9 year love is hard to recover. Whenever I have free time or see people in love, I will think of her. I don't want to admit it but my heart is lonely, haha. So I will cure it with work and the new XBOX I'm getting soon. YL, BEGONE!!! *poof* lol

Argh, with Valentines coming, it doesn't help me neither. YL faster get married so I will not think of you or miss you anymore! Wish I could just rip my heart out...

Anyway one day during the CNY period asked Kim Hoe and Chun Siong, both which I'm not in good terms with last time, for dinner (bak kut teh). Kim Hoe I can slowly accept back as a friend but CS... no way, yet. Seeing how he never improved, I prefer to think of him as a wall/stone. I will consider him not around when he is nearby! lol...

Work... need to find work starting next month. A bit scared and no confidence... sigh, where should I start? ><